


About Our First Times.

by DirtyMartini (Zetaii)



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M, it goes from angstcity to fluff city so um, it's markjin for a while, jinyoung and jb are childhood friends, read the notes lol, uhhhh mentions of drugs n stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-07-28 13:25:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 59,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7642336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zetaii/pseuds/DirtyMartini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Their relationship was founded on lies about catching mermaids that didn't exist and building birdhouses for the birds Jaebum didn't have."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One.

 

_"Their relationship was founded on lies about catching mermaids that didn't exist and building birdhouses for the birds Jaebum didn't have."_

 

**I should probably warn yall just in case lol since using slurs and homophobia as a topic is very unlike me but it's here. Also mention of alcohol and later drugs play a role. And I think that's it for the warning??**

-

The first time Jaebum saw Jinyoung, it was during early spring where the dark brown leaves would crack and droop from the trees down to the muddy, swampy and dirty ground or concrete and wearing winter gloves was both comfortable but not a hundred percent necessary - young Jinyoung was sat by the riverside with a fishingrod as old as his grandfather and hopes as young as himself because his older brother had tricked him into thinking that if Jinyoung waited long enough, if Jinyoung had just a _little_ more patience, Jinyoung could catch a mermaid just like the ones he saw in the movies.

With an undeniable patience and optimism to find the mermaids, meanwhile he was busy catching mackerel, Jaebum sat on the other side of the river building a beautiful birdhouse with his father for the birds they didn't yet have, and their eyes met one another and Jinyoung could _swear_ the river turned to ice and the leaves turned into stone and neither one of them would have noticed.

They were eight and nine years old at the time.

Just like the leaves and the river, their relationship shifted with the season.

The next time they had had any sort of interaction, it was the first time they spoke to each other, or rather Jaebum spoke to Jinyoung. It was on the first week of fourth grade of primary school, and Jinyoung had missed the first few days because he came down with the flu and he was red and dizzy and constantly thirsty, his mother deemed it irresponsible for her son to go to school in that state. However, that also meant he missed important classes, and when Jinyoung came back, he was the only kid who didn’t know how to divide with two numbers.

Going up to the chalkboard was a bad experience.

Jaebum was the one who whispered the answer in his ear when he stood up with the excuse of sharpening his bitten-down pencil.

That same day, Jinyoung approached Jaebum, handsome, smart Jaebum from the football team to thank him.

That was also the first time Jaebum dropped football to play with another kid.

There was a pattern in their first times ever since they saw each other on the riverbank which froze from the cold in the winters. Everything that happened after that, Jaebum felt like they were happening in reverse of how it should have been, they began with a foundation of lies and fantasies of catching mermaids which didn't exist and building birdhouses for the birds they didn't have. 

Their first time was analogy for the rest.

 

-

"My daddy is very good at drawing you know?" Jaebum smiled wide with a tenderness exclusive to when he spoke about his parents and nodded at the rest of the class, big letters spelling out 'football player' in the background. "So I want to draw just as good as him and my mother - but I promised I'd go to the World Cup too."

Their teacher nodded and asked him if he could show them some drawings they made sometime, and Jaebum said he'd try before sitting next to Jinyoung.

"Will you come to our match today?" He whispered.

Jinyoung nodded. "Of course."

"Park Jinyoung!" Their teacher's boisterous voice beamed through the classroom. "What do you want to be when you're older?"

Jinyoung thought about it. "I'd like to be an artist too, teacher."

"He could work with my daddy!" Jaebum exclaimed. 

Honestly, Jinyoung did not exactly know what it meant to be an artist, but Jaebum said it was cool so he believed him.

 

-

 

Jaebum and Jinyoung were in the sixth grade now, and as the oldest of the school, the teachers told them they should act their part and be role models for the other students in the dusty rusty and definitely almost unusable primary school they attended - Jaebum still played football, and Jinyoung still cheered him on during the matches. Afterwards, they would still go the same house, and they’d still eat together.

But sixth grade came to an end, and even in a small town like theirs many of their peers were moving away to different middle schools in bigger cities because their parents thought it’d give them better chances for the future.

So the classrooms which normally wasn't neither too comfortable or hateful towards each other became somewhat unaturally worried for one another as if it would really make a difference who would stay and who would leave. With the anxiety came the summer warmth and Jaebum felt pressured and stressed wondering if Jinyoung was going to move or stay. 

He assumed he would stay, until Jaebum's mother asked him if he knew why a foreign car keeps riding around their streets (yes, it was that small of a city) and suddenly Jaebum imagined a hundred and one scenarios in his mind thinking Jinyoung might actually leave him. Moreover, everytime he brought the topic up, Jinyoung would shift the topic and that made him all the more nervous.

But everytime he stepped into the others house, he got so distracted by everything that was Jinyoung, his worries would dissapear with a smile and a walk on the stairs.

It was Jinyoung who ultimately brought it up.

"I'm not moving away, you know." He had said, wiggling on the swings by the riverbank which was old and rusty and not made all that great and it would definitely collapse on some poor child sooner or later.

Jaebum bit his tongue, gripped the metal a little harder and lied. "I didn't think you were."

Jinyoung nodded. “My dad is leaving. He says mom doesn’t love _love_ him anymore.”

Jaebum gulped, his sweaty dirty palms gripping the metal a little harder than before and the air was chilly and awkward and he did not want to have this conversation.

“Are you sad?”

Jinyoung took a very long time to respond, so long Jaebum thought he wasn’t going to answer him at all.

“A little.”

So he nodded. 

Everything that happened felt like it happened in reverse - when Jaebum should've been sad and angry for his friend, he did his best to hold his happy laughther in before giggling and screaming and hugging his pillow out of happiness once he got home, because Jinyoung wasn't going anywhere and Jinyoung was going to stay with him.

That same night, between the mist and a two weather-affected car crashes in the capital, Jinyoung's father left and his older brother was preparing his bags to study in Seoul.

Suddenly, Jinyoung was the only man in the house.

 

-

 

Shortly thereafter, Jaebum had his first kiss.

It was during the end year trip of school in the middle of the woods.

His first kiss was with another boy and the thing was that Jinyoung was the one who cleaned the cut on his lip when the other boy clocked him straight in the jaw for doing it and the football team Jaebum had since he was six years old chanted in unision to call him a faggot in an aura of teamwork and synergy that they never had in none of their matches.

Kids began to slip filthy words between their lips and Jinyoung rememberd the first time he and Jaebum swore.

 

(It was when they were rolling down the hills in the riverbank and Jinyoung hit his head against a rock, letting out a loud 'fuck' and Jaebum tried to one-up him with other creative but not so clever insults - the winner was the homeless fisherman who had dirt on hands and missing teeth but let them use his wooden boat to play with)

 

"Why did you do that?" Jinyoung asked when they were sitting in another room.

"Jenny dared me to kiss the prettiest person in the room."

Jenny dared him to kiss the prettiest person in the room, so that's what he did - no justification or make-up of excuses. Jaebum simply did what he was asked to do, which was kiss the goalie from the football team who had pretty eyelashes and a pretty dark complexion.

So Jinyoung looked at him, and the tension hit him like a wave. Jaebum looked at him, truly _looked_ at him unlike any other time they looked at each other - he felt exposed but not unsafe, and that was the first time Jinyoung felt something warm in the bottom pit of his tummy and Jinyoung was eleven years old when he learned about both arousal and that words can have two meanings.

"Are you grossed out?"

Jaebum sounded full of conviction, like not even Jinyoungs words could faze him anymore. But Jinyoung also knew better than that, and the scene that unfolded and the class chanting awful names at him couldn't have left him merely bruised on his lips. He wasn't made out of metal nor was he made out of translucent paper.

Jinyoung was shocked Jaebum kissed anyone, but he wasn't shocked over the fact that that someone was a boy.

This realization shocked him more than anything related to his Jaebum.

He shook his head.

"I'm glad." Jaebum smiled and his bruise split open and bled again.

After that, Jinyoung felt like Jaebum opened his arms that made for wings and showed him a freedom he didn't know he could have. In the awkward arousal and tension and heat he was surrounded with and the scene of the cabin in mind, Jinyoung still decided it was better if he stopped looking at boys as much as he just realized he did, so he decided to have a crush on a girl called Leslie because Leslie was pretty and all the boys from the grade liked her.

Jinyoung was the only man in the house, so he had to act the part.

 

-

 

Skirts fluttering in the wind and eyeliner that made wings on faces mixed with perfume bottles and pink girly chewing-gum, long hair that bounced per step and heels that looked like one was walking on water.

Pretty girls were a magical entity in middle-school, and the boys wouldn't appreciate them half as much as they should have in the face of a sexist-by-design factory of growing up in a small town.

Jinyoung had many charms other boys his age didn’t quite have. On the second day of middle school (pimples appearing, body-image issues, the sudden realization of the fact that grades were actually going to matter) Jinyoung had his first kiss with Leslie Chang.

It could be because all the cool boys left for other cities. Jinyoung always thought that Leslie actually liked Jaebum, but Jaebum was not interested in her at all.

Leslie Chang was like a fairy that got lost and stuck between the outgrown weeds - she was pretty and had cool wristbands Jinyoung had never seen before. Jinyoung didn't dislike her. On the second day of middle school, Jinyoung and Leslie were paired up to share seats and Leslie talked about her book collection.

Jinyoung took a bit of a kick out of the seething gazes of all the other boys (except for Jaebum, who seemed irritatingly cool with it) and agreed to check them out after school.

It was a shitty excuse but Jinyoung still fell for it when Leslie wanted to sit down on the swings Jinyoung thought only he and Jaebum knew about and used. She sat down and put her brown faux-leather bag on the grass, let her ballerina feet off the ground and swung and swung again, the pink of her skirt rippling and the whiteness of her teeth almost confusing itself with the little bit of sun that seeped through the clouds.

Jinyoung, dumb, prebubescent Jinyoung always thought girls didn't like to get their hands dirty, but pretty Leslie took the rusty metal of the swings like her childhood dreams were in her grip and even Jinyoung fell a little bit in love with her freedom.

Jinyoung was stupid and just barely out of the womb and he did not know how to treat girls aside from snide comments his classmates made, but Jinyoung had charms unlike his peers, and his natural elegance made up for his lack of experience. To be fair, they were both new to this.

The kiss was messy and it was icky and Leslie had just used her older sisters strawberry lipgloss for the first time and Jinyoung tasted like that for the next couple of hours, but overall, it wasn't totally gross and his heart fluttered a little when Leslie grabbed Jinyoung's swing and put her hand over his own which was holding it. She had a dominant streak in her which Jinyoung discovered before she did. We'll get back to that later.

After that, Leslie looked at Jinyoung as if she expected something after the kiss. Jinyoung knew she wanted him to ask her out (because boys ask girls out and not the other way around) but frankly, Jinyoung didn't really feel like it.

So he thanked her, stood up, picked up his bag and ran towards Jaebum's house leaving Leslie on the swings and he didn't turn around to see her doll-like body become tiny in the distance. When he told Jaebum what happened, he was more excited to tell him that he didn't ask him out (because girls can't ask boys out) than telling him that he had his first kiss.

For the first time ever, Jaebum's smile seemed forced and the crinkle in his eyes was almost depressing.

"That's nice, Jinyoungie," He said. "You should've told me you were going with Leslie though, I was waiting for you at the gate."

 

-

 

You could say something changed.

Blame the hormones. Or that’s what Jinyoungs mother always screamed out whenever he was being unreasonable and acting like a typical adolescent kid.

“Your brother never gave me this much trouble!” She’d scream. She found cigarette packets in Jinyoungs room, very strategically hidden under his pillow as if his mother didn’t check everyday since he was born.

Jinyoung sat bored on the kitchen table however, drinking from a juice carton (orange juice) and praying Jaebum studied chemistry better than he did, because he’d be fucked if he didn’t have anyone to copy off for the test the next day.

“God mom, it’s not mine. Can you please let me study now?”

His mother was fuming and the kettle was definitely going off too much. Jinyoung just wanted everything and everyone to shut up for a few seconds because every little thing was a thing too much.

“It must be the hormones.” She said, though it seemed like she said it more to herself than to Jinyoung. “Yes. It must be the hormones. Your father would’ve straighened you out right away.”

That was a low-blow and Jinyoung dropped the orange juice carton on the table, shocked, because his mother hadn’t mentioned his father since the day he left. He was eight then, fourteen now and in some aspects a lot dumber than he used to be.

She seemed proud of herself though.

“You’re not a little kid anymore, Jinyoung.”

Then why did she have a problem with him smoking, he asked himself. Kids always got treated differently depending on what was beneficial for adults. Too young to make any decisions and too old to depend on them. Jinyoung was confused and angry and most of all frustrated, so he smacked the book closed and was too nervous to study any more that night. He'd never go so far to say he hated his mother (the kettle that was definitely going off too much would've probably ended up knocking him out if he did) but at the time he wouldn't mind if she dissapeared for a few hours.

The next day, Jaebum told him he hadn’t studied either, so they both failed.

When his mother smacked him across the face after their tutor had a meeting with both of their parents for their bad grades, his mother still blamed the hormones for every problem her son had. 

 

-

"Girls are weird." Jinyoung concluded that same night his mother hit him when she was off to work and Jaebum was over to give each other some mutual support.

"What do you mean?" Jaebum asked, reading the different fashion magazines Jinyoung had under his bed. "My momma just asked me if I wanted to repeat a year, and if I don't I should get my head out of my ass asap."

"Your parents are cool," Jinyoung sighed. "If it weren't for them my mother would be on the news for murder, she doesn't like having a bad name."

Jaebum yawned and rolled over to where Jinyoung was, looking up to him and smiling. "Your mother is just super traditional. Has she ever hit you before?"

Jinyoung shook his head. "Nah, though I don't appreciate her microagressions and passive-agressive comments every day."

"Difficult words," Jaebum said, grabbing Jinyoung's knee. "So why are girls weird?"

"Because all they do is be angry."

"Now you're being the traditional one."

Jinyoung sighed,  and noticed when Jaebum gripped his knee a little harder. "All I know is that I do not want a girlfriend."

Jaebum remained quiet, rubbing circles on Jinyoungs knee and humming to a song that Jinyoung did not know - it was night and the stars were bright in their small town, the wind made for a melody of rustling and with the dim lights on and Jaebum right next to him, Jinyoung held Jaebum's head and forced him to lean on his lap, twirling his hair in his fingers and stroking it till he fell asleep.

When Jinyoung's mother found them asleep the next morning, she smiled and was polite until the doors closed.

That was the first time his mother told him to "stop being weird."

-

 

The first person they let into their two man army was a boy who came from Hong Kong named Jackson Wang, who had dyed his hair by himself, wore wristbands as cool as Leslie's, listened to obscure bands like Death Grips but also experimental hip-hop like Anderson.Paak and smoked weed on the weekends in some beat-up and abandonded car. Jaebum now fifteen, said they're all just a bunch of hipster circlejerkers.

"So like, are you two dating?" Jackson had asked.

It was raining it was pouring and the three of them were hiding in the teachers parking lot because Jackson was caught with cigarettes and Jaebum and Jinyoung were skipping history class. When Jackson said it, Jaebum genuinely thought it was an animal screeching through the muffled sound of the rain.

"Are you," Jackson was ridiculous, he pointed at the two of them from the complete other side hiding under giant leafs that didn't protect him from the rain at all. "two," He jumped. "Dating?" He mouthed, and stretched out the 'a' as if Jinyoung and Jaebum were idiots.

Naturally, Jinyoung was shook off his feet and denied it as quick as he realized a weirdo from the circlejerking hipster crowd was indirectly accusing him of being gay.

Voice still muffled, Jackson looked visibly unimpressed, but then made a lighter sign with his hands and pointed at them again.

It was Jaebum who nudged him to come over, and so, a drenched and curious looking Jackson walked towards them with a big smile and lots of eyes checking one and the other.

"Here," Jaebum threw it at him, and that was the first time Jinyoung tried a cigarette. Nicotine disgusting and unsure as to why people signed up to that feeling.

"Are you into guys?" Jaebum had asked him after that, and Jackson shook his head after explaining Jinyoung how to do it.

"I don't think so. Like, if I fall for a guy then so be it. But Krystal is the biggest lesbian I know and Mark declares himself bisexual. Also most of us circlejerking hipsters are pretty chill with our sexuality." He wiggled his eyebrows up at Jaebum, and for the first time in a long time, he let out a loud, unfiltered laugh.

"That's _fucking_ hilarious." He said.

And so, Jaebum and Jinyoung became unofficial members of the circlejerking hipsters and a few months later Jackson was contemplating about the essence of time and wondering about how Dalí, Picasso and Coco Channel lived in the same era.

"I'd bang Coco so hard, man." Jackson declared.

"Fuck a corpse and spray Gucci over it," Jaebum commented off-handedly.

Jackson sneered. "Why are you on your phone? Texting your girl?"

Jaebum looked up to Jinyoung, then he smiled.

"Yeah, and I want Jinyoung to meet her."

Jinyoung and Jaebum were fourteen and fifteen at the time, and Jaebum had just gotten his first girlfriend four years after he kissed that boy in the cabin in primary school. Jinyoung felt that feeling again and this time he couldn't blame it on gender.

It was fine though, he smiled, he patted his back, he joked around.

You could say something changed, but neither could say what that something was.

 

-

 

Jaebum's existence was wrapped up in mystery. Jinyoung's mother always spoke very badly about Jaebum's somewhat extravagant parents that she'd describe as inmature and strange. Truthfully, Jaebum's parents were the most liberal people Jinyoung had met in his entire life, and even Jackson was shook off his shoes when he visited their house which was right across the street from Jinyoung's.

Jaebum was born in Japan, and his mother was a previous model-turned-tattoo-artist who got knocked up with Jaebum when she turned nineteen, whereheas his father was already a recognized tattoo artist who had a full sleeve and back art that stretched to his neck. They never got married, but despite that and although having been told a man and a woman must marry each other, Jinyoung felt like they loved each other a lot more than his own parents ever did, despite being married for over thirty years.

So _Im Art_ was the only tattoo parlour in the stretch of their town and rumors said that the Ims were affilated with the Korean mafia. Jaebum was even confronted for it by some especially brave students.

Still, the Ims house was covered with polaroids of his mother on the catwalk and the both of them with different famous clients. As to why such a couple would move to such a small town was quite simple, Jaebum's mother had grown up there, too, and although she had nothing good to say of Jaebum's grandparents, she still loved the place dearly.

So it was natural Jaebum grew up the way he did, around tons and tons of books and art and liberal ideologies in an enviroment that encouraged individualism and wouldn't judge him for anything.

Jinyoung only realized the older he got that Jaebum could kiss that boy so freely only because his parents taught him the freedom Jinyoung so much yearned for.

Moreover, Jinyoung spotted a copy of _Le Corps Lesbien_ on Jaebum's desk, and Jinyoung, the older he got, appreciated the literature he so much ignored in the past more and more, and now knew enough to identify it as a feminist and lesbian Monique Wittig novel written in 1974, alongside _Les faux-monnayeurs_ by André Gide.

Jinyoung was jealous of the family which said girls can ask boys out, too.

 

-

 

It came to no ones surprise when Jaebum was the first one to get a tattoo at the tender age of sixteen, done by his parents on his back and he was holding Jinyoung's hand when it hurt. It was a koi fish surrounded by leaves and one of them was red. 

It also came to no surprise when his first girlfriend was just like him or that she was the daugther of old friends of his parents - she had a sleeve of tattoos and short hair and piercings in her ear and a straight A student. She smelled like cherry because she always used the same cologne and she was two years older than Jaebum.

They still seemed the exact same age, Jaebum now sixteen and towering over his mother with broad shoulders and toned arms, Jaebum got more beautiful, and everyday it became harder for Jinyoung to accept it and suddenly really face the fact that Jaebum was a man while he still felt like a little boy.

He felt like he was driving away from him, and with the distance the differences they made up for one another became more obvious.

 

-

 

The first time Jinyoung felt the feist of jealousy, it was when they had alcohol for the first time during one of the small get-togethers they and Jackson's friends had, on the floor of his living room when his parents weren't home.

Jinyoung drank vodka with lemonade and at first it was disgusting and he and Jaebum laughed over the taste, but then they gulped it all down and asked for another glass.

With Nirvana playing in the background and Tekken on the television, they started talking about relationships and they asked Jaebum whether he and Stella fucked yet.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He said, uninterested.

"That means no." Jackson concluded, dropping half the chips he took from the bag on the floor.

Jinyoung peeked at him from the couch, observing his profile, feeling warm to his stomach until Mark elbowed his ribs.

"You're staring," Mark whispered. "Don't make it so obvious."

Jinyoung turned around, but Mark was already pressed on the corner of the couch, agressively pushing the buttons of the controller and had Jinyoung wondering if the boy was just his subconscious personified.

The first time Jinyoung admitted his feelings towards boys, it was when he met Mark Tuan.

* * *

 

**I wanted to go back to my "original" writing style and although this was a lot better in my head and this is an awkward place to leave it on, I already wrote too much to scrap it so don't worry about being harsh on it lol. Anyways. Thanks for reading and tell me what you think <3**


	2. Chapter Two.

_"Your life is worth celebrating, baby!"_

 

-

 

Mark Tuan, lazy, cherry-blonde with a bit of a lisp and videogame fanatic, skinny and fashionable with an big collection of oversized sweaters of which the biggest got to his knees and even the sleeves could reach it while it hung over his collarbones. It was soft pink with three small white stripes on the right side of his chest, and his skinny jeans hid the tattoos on his leg and he had piercings right under his tongue.

He was Jackson's close friend, and although quiet, never shy with his bisexuality.

"When did you know you liked boys?" Yugyeom, another one of their friends, asked during their entourage in which most of them had first drunk alcohol stronger than cider with a fake I.D.

Mark thought about it. "I don't know, I just always admitted what I liked and disliked."

"So you don't see a difference?"

"Ha!" Mark damn near yelled, causing Jackson to fall off the couch right next to him and screeching something about leaving him deaf. "It's not about not seeing a difference, it's about acknowledging and loving the difference, my dear little one."

Yugyeom clearly didn't get it, but he nodded anyway.

"It's like, damn, this girl has nice tits and she smells like fruits, but then this guy has killer abs and he looks like he could fuck me into next week." Mark continued to explain.

Mark said a lot with few words, and Jinyoung appreciated that, because too many of them got him dizzy and he didn't like that.

So when Stella called Jaebum and he announced himself to leave, and the group got on the balcony to whistle and yodel at the couple when they kissed and Jaebum got on the back of Stella's motorbike, it was only natural when Jinyoung said 'yes' when Mark suggested they make out when he walked him home.

"Don't be scared," Mark whispered, moments before closing the gap between them in the darkest of nights, stars wild and loud in the sky, wind chilly and them holding each others hands, facing one another, right around the block of Jinyoungs house.

Jinyoung was upset, so so upset and the alcohol made him dizzy and funny and he didn't have total control of everything he was supposed to feel and more importantly everything he repressed so he didn't.

Jaebum looked so good and beautiful next to Stella, kissing her and on her motorbike. Stella was so much cooler. So much prettier and so much more of everything than Jinyoung was at the time, a sixteen year old boy with not enough courage to even face himself.

So with the whiskey on his tongue and his heart on his sleeves as long as the ones on Mark's sweater, Jinyoung wanted to let go.

Around the corner of his house where anyone could see him kissing another boy.

"Don't be scared," Mark repeated. "It's okay to feel this way."

And Jinyoung believed him, with his soft voice and warm hands and thumbs that caressed the top of his own.

They kissed and they kissed slow, and suddenly things made a lot more sense. His first kiss with Leslie didn't hold a candle of the roughness a boy could offer, the strong hands and the more determined grip on his hands. Mark was a gorgeous boy, arguably the most gorgeous boy their age right next to Jaebum.

Minutes passed after they stopped kissing, and Jinyoung only realized he was crying on Mark's shoulder when this one stroked his hair and twirled them around his pretty slim fingers.

"Want me to come with you?" Mark suggested, a little bit of arousal in his touch and the heat blushing on his cheeks.

Jinyoung wanted to say yes so bad, but he couldn't because his mother would have his head if he had anyone over at this hour. Moreover, he wasn't nearly corageous enough to sneak him in.

Which was exactly when his mother walked out the house to throw out the trash, and found her son in the arms of another boy, crying and his lips red and wet holding his hands.

Only dumbasses would kiss near their own house.

 

-

 

Jinyoung's mother never said anything about that night, but since the morning after she became more insistant on whether Jinyoung had found himself a nice girlfriend or not, and, for some reason, whether or not Jaebum had one too.

Jinyoung answered with short responses. The silence at first felt like a crown of victory, but quickly became obnoxious and obvious that she was just doing her best to cover up the issue.

His mother was just trying to save her image of Jinyoung for herself. Whatever the reality was didn't really matter.

It was obvious.

The first time Jinyoung recognized his mother as a flawed human being just like himself who wasn't a superhero out of the books was when he was sixteen, the morning after he kissed another boy and the morning after he realized what an amazing feeling he had robbed himself off all these years.

The first time he realized that life is a one-way ticket for everyone, including his mother, Park Jinwha, was when he kissed another boy for the first time, and the first time he felt a little bit of the freedom he fell in love with in the eyes of Jaebum, Leslie, and maybe even Mark.

A week and a lot of make out sessions later, Jaebum went through his first split-up when he broke up with Stella.

 

-

  
"Say, when's your birthday?"

"This week." Jinyoung said, letting his head lean on Mark's lap and closing his eyes. "Why?"

Mark hummed for a very long time and Jinyoung thought he might run out of oxygen and die on the spot, thankfully, he didn't.

"We should celebrate it," Mark said, touching strands of Jinyoung's hair. "And you should also wash your hair with some conditioner, Jinyoung."

Jinyoung screeched, wiggling on Mark's bed and slapping his hands away from his head from the embarassment.

"Shut up, I've had a stressful week," but he still smiled and Mark laughed and he knew it was okay, so he relaxed again. "I don't celebrate my birthday, it's awkward."

"Don't you spend it with your precious Jaebum?"

"Yeah," Jinyoung said. "Because he doesn't celebrate it either."

Mark covered his eyes, or more like the sleeves of his sweater did before he whispered something about him not celebrating it either and before Jinyoung could ask him to repeat that, Mark kissed him, eyes covered and all, in an awkward position that was somehow made comfortable, and Jinyoung sinked in the kiss that was so familiar to him now but still had the spark of the first time, the neediness so characteristic of Mark's kiss and the way he pulled away minutes later.

"Your life is worth celebrating, baby!"

He grinned and his eyes closed and Jinyoung sat straight and his breath was taken away with how gorgeous Mark looked. He had never asked what they were, and a big part of him didn't want to ask. He saw his smile and took it for what it was, and that was the first indication of Jinyoung not knowing Mark at all, even if Mark knew everything about Jinyoung.

 

-

 

Whenever Jinyoung was asked who his bestfriend was, he would shrivel up and feel awkward to think of an answer. Thankfully though, most people assumed it was Im Jaebum, so as time passed the questions lessened and at some point no one bothered to ask at all.

Jaebum was not his bestfriend. Calling him that would be awkward, and has been since they met.

They did drugs for the first time right around the time Jaebum and Stella broke up (when asked why, Jaebum said she thought he was too young for her)

It was two lines of cocaine each and they were sixteen and seventeen years old at the time, their birthdays in the same month and Jackson took it to himself to celebrate it with a bang during a music festival in the next town.

On their respective days, however, and despite the unofficial promise he made with Mark, Jaebum showed up at his house with his schoolbag full of snacks and no sleeping clothes because he had his own in Jinyoung's house since forever. With the clock ticking and ticking and Mark texting him asking what the plan was, Jinyoung put it on silence and as he laughed with Jaebum, he didn't even feel bad about it.

That was, until his doorbell rang, and Mark was outside with a small bag fit for a couple of books.

The excitement on his face quickly wavered when he saw Jaebum at the door, walking behind Jinyoung in nothing but his joggers.

Jinyoung was stuck between two walls, and he his instincts told him to ask Mark what was up.

"Nothing," Mark smiled. "Just wanted to give you this."

He shoved the bag a little too hard in his chest and then he turned around to leave barely acknowledging Jaebum was there.

Jinyoung blinked confused and it seemed like he just realized the bag in his hands, he quicklt opened it and it was a bunch of thrift store classics like Lolita and and Clockwork Orange. He was a little confused, and suddenly uncomfortable.

"Did something happen with Mark?" Jaebum had asked.

"No." Jinyoung responded.

Jinyoung had told Jaebum everything up to that point, but he hadn't told him about the many kisses he shared with Mark, and much less did he mention the time Mark groped his ass on his bed one night way past midnight, and then growled about how fucking amazing he looked.

Jinyoung had never seen Mark so animalistic before, and he'd never ever tell anyone about how scared it made him feel, so much he made up a bad excuse on the spot and went home, Mark accused him of being boring as he left, but quickly texted an apology as soon as he got home.

Jinyoung, heart pumping fast and on the brink of crying had forgiven him, and partially felt like it was his fault and wondered if he was being a prude and a tease. It was only natural Mark wanted more than just kisses and tongue, and it wasn't his fault that Jinyoung squirmed everytime Mark's hands travelled a little down south.

So when Jinyoung said nothing happened between them, he knew his lying had improved because he didn't stutter or feel hot, and Jaebum didn't pry further on the matter, just clicking his tongue and calling Mark weird before jumping back on the couch.

So it was Sunday and school had ended and suddenly they were swooped to the summer that would mark their transition to highschool seniors. Two years passed after that day under the rain when they met Jackson, and although middleschool and highschool were in the same building in their town, Jinyoung still felt a little nostalgic.

So they were at a festival in a town next to their own and Jackson had driven them there since he was the first to get his drivers license. They slept on the road and everyone was packed on top of each other and the incident with Jinyoung's birthday seemed forgotten.

So it was their first time high as kites on something other than marijuana.

"Who's going first?" Krystal asked as Jackson put the substance in line with her credit card.

"It was your idea," Mark nodded at BamBam. "So shouldn't you go first?"

"We're seven people, I can't be the only one to do this."

Everyone scowled until Jaebum coughed.

"I'll do it," Jaebum said. "I'll do it with BamBam, it's fine."

BamBam looked shocked. "Man, are you serious right now?"

He was, and so, with two lines of coke each, they snuffed it up and they missed almost half of it, but BamBam knocked his head back on the chair of the abandonded little café near the festival they found, and Jaebum rolled his eyes and rubbed his nose, the chills on his neck sinking down to his toes and the electronic music busting loud.

That was the first time Jaebum had done cocaine, and sixty-something lines later, it still wasn't enough.

 

-

 

"Aren't we overdoing it?" Jinyoung asked.

"Don't you want to say I'm the one overdoing it?" Jaebum lined up the coke on his desk. "It's fine, babe."

"Bu-"

"It's fine," Jaebum insisted again, and smiled. "Just stay steady."

Jinyoung did not know what he meant with that, but when he rolled the dollar bill that could normally buy them a few bags of candy and sniffed up the cocaine a lot better and neater than when he did it for the first time a little over a month before that, he suddenly heard the 'babe' and the manly roughness in Jaebum had Jinyoung weak on his knees, Jaebum was a man, a real man that could pick him up and lay him down at any time.

"You're sleeping with Mark, aren't you?" Jaebum asked, but Jinyoung wasn't sure, because his eyes were closed and his head was leaning on his bed.

They stayed silent.

"Sorry, that was stupid," Jaebum said, and looked at Jinyoung on the other side of the small table, legs crossed and looking down at his own hands. "Want to hold a little competition, baby?"

Jinyoung just wished Jaebum would stop with the pet-names because the cocaine had him stupid and his libido turned him weak and he was sixteen and horny and every other time he felt this way over Jaebum before was sweetly innocent compared to this.

"What competition?"

"See who can lose his virginity first." Jaebum smirked, sniffing up.

"You aren't a virgin." Jinyoung said matter-of-factly.

"Nah babe, I'd beg to differ," He smirked at the sight of Jinyoung's shocked expression. "Stella didn't want to. Said we'd wait till I was a little older."

Jinyoung was shocked.

"Also," Jaebum continued. "I definitely like guys more than girls."

It lit a fire in Jinyoung he didn't know he had, he crawled over to where Jaebum was, fucked out of his mind and both talking too coherent for what they just did, but Jinyoung's headache he complained about was gone and cocaine was a better medicine than paracetamol would ever be until he sat between Jaebum's legs, and Jaebum held him and they both knew they'd never mention it again when Jaebum left butterfly kisses on Jinyoung's neck.

Slow and driving them absolutely insane.

They didn't say a word for the rest of the night, not when Jaebum nibbled all the way up to his ear, let out a shuddered breath and held Jinyoung even tighter, not when Jinyoung moaned without realizing, and definitely not when Jaebum bit his ear or when Jinyoung turned around to lift Jaebum's shirt up and caressed the newly inked tattoo he had on his chest of a dragon, up an down, slow, all under Jaebum, his childhood friends, piercing and drugged out watch.

"Mark wants to fuck you," Was the only thing he said between the nibbles on his neck and ear, between the rubbing and holding. "He told us he wants you so bad, you're driving all the boys crazy, Jinyoungie."

That was the first time Jinyoung felt like his body was a prize and the first time he could touch the freedom he admired.

It was closer and closer, Jinyoung felt that if he had a _little_ more patience, waited just a _little_ longer, he could grab it just like the mermaids in the river all those years ago.

* * *

 

**an I'm on a roll with this one looooool anyways dont yall love unecessary angst !!!!!!! this fic is gonna have like, 4 to 5 chapters by the way. What do you guys think ???? Jaebum is weird and Mark makes suffer in both anger and cute just like in irl lol thanks**


	3. Chapter Three.

_"You and him are fire and fire. Someone's house is bound to burn down by the end of it."_

 Warning: dub-con. 

-

 

Jinyoung wondered how long Jaebum could go on being strung out before he got himself into trouble.

Honestly, he did not understand where his attraction to drugs came from to begin with, but everyone was doing it so Jinyoung let it go with the passing of white lines and half mindedly stayed true to his words and accepted the challenge to see who could lose their virginity first.

It was a childish bet that was nothing like them, but common sense became a whole less common and perhaps it was also a competition to see who could hold their heads under water for the longest time. Jinyoung thought he had a fair shot at the game, because his head had been under water for seventeen years now.

Jinyoung could make an analogy out of that. He didn't.

The first time Jinyoung saw true love in somebody's eyes it was when Jackson brought a girl over to one of their meet-ups a couple of days later. Her name was Leslie Chang and they spoke Cantonese to one another and they listened to the same bands and she was wearing his shirts and he was wearing her wristbands and it felt like all the Audrey Hepburn movies exploded in colour right in front of him and sixties France became a reality he could watch but could not touch.

Jinyoung screeched.

"Sup Jinyoung," Leslie smiled. "It's been a while."

It had definitely been a while. The entire room switched their eyes from Leslie to Jinyoung and from Jinyoung to Leslie - back and forth and repeat like they were visualizing a ping-pong game.

Jaebum held in his laughter, Mark looked entertained, Jackson did not understand the situation and Bambam and Yugyeom just wanted to grab the popcorn bowl from the coffee table without getting off their back-breaking position from the couch.

After Leslie left to go to her ballet classes, Jackson asked him how Jinyoung knew 'the love of his life' , or so Jackson thought for sure that she was the one for him, and Jinyoung awkwardly spilled it all while walking on eggshells and thinking every phrase through twice so not to offend Jackson because Jinyoung knew his crush before he did and because Jinyoung kisses his crush before he could.

"Oh my god!" Jackson shrieked after a second, hugging the pillow. "Was she cute? was she always so cute?"

"You're acting dumber than usual." Mark said from the kitchen while cutting up some tomatoes for a salad with a plastic knife, and Jinyoung did not know what to respond to that so he said he'd show him their middleschool pictures if he wanted to see them. He did.

"That's adorable," Jackson squealed. "She's like, a _total_ a superhero or something. She plays the bass and won a ton of awards for her ballet - she even got scouted for Russia. And she has a belly-button piercing nobody knows about!"

"Then how do _you_ know about that?" BamBam spotted, and it was Mark who jumped him and asked if they had done anything before telling him, Mark, his bestfriend and the only person who could, till then, stand him for more than six hours a day and who was at that moment messing up Jackson's white shirt with tomato juice and stingy garlic.

"We aren't going out yet!" Jackson said, and continued that if doing anything sexual without a relationship then Mark was the major wrongdoer, and threw Mark off the couch just to get pulled off of it himself less than a second later.

It was all in good spirit, and funnily enough, a week and three more lines of coke later, Jackson waltzed into Yugyeom's room and grandiosely announced that Leslie had asked him out after a local concert they went to, and Jinyoung was shocked that the girl who never asked boys about (because girls aren't supposed to do that) had gone against everything she was taught in the name of puppy love.

After that, Jackson had told them that she got her nipples pierced and they looked pink and cute and that was more information than any of them ever needed.

"The ballerina and the dumb comic-relief of the group," Mark said absent-mindedly. "How cliché."

He rolled Yugyeom's Playboy magazine up and smacked it on the bed.

Nobody asked him what was wrong, because they assumed he was a little bit friend jealous or was throwing a hissy fit again, because he had those more and more often nowadays for some reason. When Yugyeom's mother came home, she threw out her sons magazines and nervously joked that his older brother had left it there, even though Yugyeom didn't have a brother. Saving face and saving faces, everyone knew Yugyeom did not come from money, yet his mother brought up the most expensive tea she owned. Yugyeom drank none of it.

 

-

 

"When did you lose your virginity, Mark?" Jinyoung asked him, lying with his head on his lap while Mark was slowly brushing the knots out of his hair with his fingers - his hair had grown longer, a little less tidy and correct, Mark thought it looked good on him.

Mark hummed. “I was fourteen.”

Jinyoung gasped, swung up immediately and hit his head on Mark’s chin, who let out a loud ‘eek’ with the hurt from the impact and giggled when Jinyoung screeched with the pain.

“You were young!” Jinyoung said as surprised as before, thinking back, when he was fourteen he had barely had his first kiss and Mark was already losing his virginity. He had to know why, to who and how it was.

But Mark’s expression changed despite the smile he had on, his eyes were looking melancholic at best.

Still, Jinyoung was more childish than he let on and Mark wasn’t nearly as important to him to be cautious of his every feeling. He was mean and he was bad and he treated Mark wrong, so he asked and he insisted and he teased, and Mark received it all with laughs and giggles and pushing that turned more aggressive with the insistence.

“Forget it, it’s a bad story.” Mark rolled his eyes, sitting straight after his session of poking Jinyoung's ribs and tickling him into submission.

“Was it with a guy?” Jinyoung still asked, smile wide and shirt bunched up, cheeks flushed from the laugher and his hands over his head.

Mark sighed, Jinyoung insisting with 'come on' 'come on' until Mark accidentally pushed him a little too hard and Jinyoung fell off the bed and on the floor, landing on his shoulder.

“I said _forget_ it. It’s not worthy, you’ll be disappointed.”

So Jinyoung dropped the subject, and knew it was absolute bullshit when Mark stood up and told Jinyoung he had to be somewhere real soon despite the fact that Mark never really had to be anywhere ever.

"Jesus, do you have to make everything so _difficult_?" Mark hissed, putting his jacket on.

The first time Jinyoung learned that he wasn’t the protagonist of the world, it was when he fell off of Mark's bed, and it felt like he landed on glass and broke a mirror that couldn't be glued back together again. His shoulder bruised for the next week, and it was the one thing Mark never apologized for.

 

-

 

Growing up was much like putting on glasses for a short-sighted person and learning how to read for someone who did not understand the alphabet. It was sharpening out the blurs and it was the added anxiety of truly noticing and feeling the reality of everything without being able to take it off, both the ugly and the pretty becoming more noticeable or in other words, becoming more real.

The first time Jinyoung became aware of the fact that he was growing up, it was at the same time he became aware of Jaebum's body. Jaebum had gotten stronger, more filled out, his arms were strong and proportionate, his prepubescent pimples were gone and the ink melted on his skin looked like it truly belonged there and like it was the missing puzzle piece of Jaebum's canvas which was already a masterpiece to Jinyoung.

He also became aware of it because of himself. It was the same morning where he looked in the mirror and truly liked the way he looked, or at least accepted himself for what he was. Dark brown hair and taller than ever, it seemed like the fat in his body loved to find itself on Jinyoung's waist and ass and thighs everyone praised him on, but Jinyoung felt was weird because his mother used to complain about that, and it made him feel more like a woman than like a man.

That morning was the first morning where he dressed up to show off his assets and he felt truly empowered by the looks his friends gave him when he strutted through the room - yes, he thought, he could get addicted to the attention.

He wasn’t conceited about it. Or at least not enough to use it to his advantage.

The first time Jinyoung noticed he was growing up, it was not long before he learned the meaning behind it.

 

-

 

“Where is Mark?” Jaebum asked.

They were in Jackson's small house which was the closest to Jinyoung and Jaebum's place, but not even half the size of theirs. Jackson said he lived with both his parents, but truthfully they had only seen them twice in their lives. Neither of them asked what was up, they all kind of loved the small house in all its broken nature and he had a tree house in the garden which _objectively_ blew all the other big houses in the town away, even if Jaebum was counting down the days the roof was going to collapse on him.

“Not here.” Jinyoung replied, moving the fan in his direction with his feet, annoyed with the constant tick-tick-tick-tick even after they put a piece of carton between it to deafen the sound, but he was more annoyed with the late summer heat, so they kept it on.

Jackson shoved it back in its original place.

“Didn’t he tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

Jackson looked surprised. “Nevermind then.”

Nevermind then never meant anything good and much less when it came out of Jackson's mouth - so he recognized the anxiety in the pit of his stomach lurching up like he was going to throw up if he ate anything and he did not understand why, nor did he understand why he felt as strongly as he did about Mark as he did at that moment. Curiousity or genuine worry, maybe it was a splutter of angry colour in his life, maybe he needed it to ground him down.

Jackson sighed, regretting saying anything in the first place and wondered if he should speak or not. Instead, he asked Jinyoung if he had slept with Mark.

“Please be honest.”

"He hasn't," Jaebum answered for him. "Don't act so important, what's up?"

Jackson ignored him and watched Jinyoung shake his head instead, so he sighed and then he sighed even louder and let himself relax against the couch, putting the magazine on his face considering what his next words were going to be.

Jackson cleared his throat. “Did, did he tell you he’s a virgin?”

"No-" Jinyoung briefly wondered if Mark lied about his experience, but he took the benefit of the doubt.

“Did he tell you about how it happened?”

His silence was his answer and Jackson - for the first time in the years they've known each other - looked visibly uncomfortable.

So then Jackson said, “He’s with a therapist right now.”

And with all the hints Jinyoung still couldn't connect the dots and nothing clicked.

Jaebum cleared his throat. "For what?"

"It's not my business to tell you if he didn't ask me to," Jackson said. "I'm just shocked that Jinyoung didn't know when you've been with him all this time."

"We're not-" He did not finish his sentence, instead thinking about Mark. Not Mark in relation to Jinyoung, but Mark as his own person. He felt sick when the image was blank and he could not think of anything apart from his first impression of him - lisp and giggles and a soft voice with an obsession with oversized sweaters and a high sex drive. He felt a little bit defeated. "I should talk to him."

Jackson shook his head and Jinyoung wondered if he regretted saying anything in the first place.

"Don't take him there," Jacksaid said, Jinyoung did not know where he thought he was going to take Mark. "Let's just say this month is a commemoration of sorts, which is why he's extra sensitive to everything."

In the end, Jackson did not ever need to ask what was up with Mark, because in the end, Jackson knew, anyway.

"But I should know, then?" Jinyoung tried a little desperate now. 

"Well if he didn't tell you himself, should you really?" Jackson sighed for what seemed the millionth time that day and sat straight again. "He lives with his grandmother, did you know that?"

Jinyoung vaguely remembers seeing her once or twice when he went to his house. He nodded.

"Did you know he lived in Seoul with his parents before?" Jackson continued.

Jinyoung did not know this, not really. He always assumed Mark lived in the small town and he just noticed him after Jackson introduced them to each other, nervously, he shook his head and wondered why he didn't like with his parents anymore.

"Alright, there we have it. He was kicked out, but you didn't know that."

It was a good way to make Jinyoung feel bad.

 

 

-

 

The first time Jinyoung and Jaebum had a fight, it was right after they left Jackson's house, and it was misty and they could not see the riverbank over the thick fog that overcame the small town. It was uncomfortable to breath as the air felt literally physical and Jinyoung felt like he was on the verge of having an asthma attack of sorts. Really, it had less to do with the weather and more to do with the conversation they had.

"Jinyoung-" Jaebum held his wrist right around the corner of Jackson's house, window to his room fogged out and neither of them noticed Jackson's desk lamp was on and he could easily see them if he wanted to. "We need to talk."

Jinyoung snapped his hand away, looking at Jaebum from tip to toe as if he was looking for a change - he was scared for some reason, nervous and anxious and his heart was beating so hard he thought it could cause an earthquake.

"I don't want you to see Mark for a while." He said, didn't finish the phrase before Jinyoung yelled at him asking him who the hell he thought he was for making such an insensitive request - he could not believe it! the previous fear in his heart made place for anger, it was an easy emotion to fall back on, emotion re-directed towards Jaebum rather than himself.

"No!" Jaebum interrupted him, the fog really getting in his lungs now and his breaths were short and cut down. "I should've said that differently," He continued. "I just, I don't know what your relationships is with him, but I don't want you to do something dumb."

"So you think I'm gonna pity fuck him?" Jinyoung said, it wasn't really a question.

"No," Jaebum thought about it for a few seconds, eyes watering from the mist and skin feeling hot from the moist weather. "But you'll probably mess him up and then it'd be fire with fire - just listen to me for once in your life, okay?"

" _Fuck_ you," Was Jinyoung's brilliant response. He did not know why he got so angry over Mark and much less why he lashed out at Jaebum for him, but the weather was really fucking him up and it did nothing to still his nerves. "You're telling me to abandon a friend who's going through a bad time. _Fuck_ you for that."

"You're not just a friend to him, _idiot_." Jaebum hissed as Jinyoung walked away, but Jaebum followed him, walking right besides him because Jaebum was not one to walk behind anyone, not even Jinyoung. So Jinyoung sped up his step and Jaebum sped it up twice as much just to be one step ahead of him, they got to the riverbank, and after five minutes of silence Jinyoung finally turned around.

"Leave me alone. Why are you following me?"

"I live right in front of you, _idiot_."

"Stop calling me that!" So Jinyoung pushed him, and that was not only the first time Jaebum tripped over air, but also the first time Jaebum had fallen in the riverbank, which wasn't deep but still dangerous, and Jinyoung couldn't have been quicker to help him get out of it.

Instead of getting out, though, Jaebum pulled Jinyoung headfirst in with him, and then they were a mess of plaid in water and mist, ice-cold water mixed with the thick air which was the recipe for a raging pneumonia - they found warmth in each others body, and despite their first ever fight, they laughed like the kids they really were, trying to be adults, and then the drunk fisherman who taught them how to swear all those years ago asked them if they were trying to steal his food.

The next day, the both of them had a bad cough and Jinyoung went to Mark's house.

 

-

 

Jaebum's actions did the exact opposite of his intentions. The night passing from Friday to Saturday had never felt any longer and with each aching minute that passed Jinyoung felt more and more intrigued with Mark's newfound mystery, rather than being concerned for his friend like he pretended he was. No, no. Jinyoung was concerned, but with the unknown comes infatuation, and he became infatuated with something strange.

So when the next day arrived, Jinyoung had a churning feeling his tummy similar to the one he felt all those years ago at the school trip when he learnt what arousal was. When he walked to Mark's house, which was a little further away from the rest of the houses in the town, he knew that something was going to happen, and he did not know if he was ready for it or not, he just knew he wanted to see Mark, and maybe see Mark break down a little bit.

For the first time in a long time, the shop right under Mark's bedroom was open. It was a fruit shop and an old lady sat outside fanning herself because it was still misty and it was still cloudy and Jinyoung still had a cough and it was still ridiculously hot. The woman waved at him, and Jinyoung recognized it was Mark's grandmother.

"Yi-en is upstairs, you can get in from here if you'd like, son." 

So Jinyoung spoke to Mark's grandmother for a bit. He remembered seeing Mark's full name on the school roster but he never heard anyone actually call him Yien. Still, he complimented the fruit which might have sounded weird, and then he went in the door on the right side of the counter in the shop, opening it met by stairs that brought him up to the apartment.

He felt a little intrusive, could hear the clicking and ticking from the computer in Mark's room, which was the only lit one in the apartment. It was ten p.m, it was dark, and Jinyoung was briefly concerned as to why his grandmother was still working until he heard loud laugther from downstairs.

"Hey," Jinyoung said, standing by the door. "Your grandma let me in."

Mark looked up to him, taken back for a couple of seconds until he recollected himself. "Oh, uh. I knew you were going to come, anyway."

It was adorable.

"She's nice." Jinyoung said.

"Who?" Mark quickly shut down the computer and let himself fall on the bed, bouncing on it a little.

"Your grandma, silly." 

Mark smiled. "I guess. Tonight is gossip and beer night with the elderly neighbourhood ladies though, so she'll stay down there all night."

He giggled at the thought and Mark's eyes had a spark which seemed to be exclusive for his grandmother, Jinyoung was enamoured at least, wanting to hear him talk more, so he he asked him why the fruitshop never seemed to be open.

"It's not open in the summer," Mark said. "But since winter is coming she's making me carry all the boxes back and forth, and if someone has and order or something I'm the delivery guy, except like, a delivery guy who doesn't get paid."

"That's cute." And Jinyoung meant it.

So a comfortable silence fell on them, Mark fidgeting a with his thumbs laughing by himself, and Jinyoung watched him. So he bumped his shoulder into Mark's, once, twice, and the question he knew was going to trigger a trainwreck of feelings could not be contained much longer, but he kissed Mark, because he knew he was not going to answer him if he didn't, and Mark kissed back.

"What was that for?"

"Where are your parents?" Jinyoung asked, and Mark frowned and the grip on his his thigh tensed up.

"What is this?" He patted Jinyoung's cheek, brushed over it down to his collarbones, and Mark seemed like was having a very hard time not to shout at him and kick him out of the room on the spot. "What the fuck is this?"

The previously comfortable and sweet atmosphere turned sour in a matter of seconds and suddenly Jinyoung felt a little bit scared, so he kissed Mark again, hard and deep, hoping it would calm him down a little.

"Why are you dressed like this?" Mark asked and Jinyoung really wanted him to stop asking questions because they made him nervous, he pulled and broke the strings on his wildly ripped jeans which exposed most of his thighs - when Jinyoung let himself fall down with his head on the pillows, and Mark smiled sweetly. "Oh, I see."

Jinyoung did not know that dressing in ripped jeans was an invitation, but Mark's sudden dominance had him convinced, his previous question unanswered but still the thick bomb set in the room which raised the tension to disturbing levels.

"Now be nice," He held his chin and sinked deep into the kiss, edge of the bed frame digging into his skin but it was alright because Mark's attention made it dribble away and the pain made for pleasure.

It was like that, Mark's hands roamed from his face down to his waist until he roughly grabbed his ass and forced their bodies closer to one another, Jinyoung yelped, breaking the kiss and quickly grabbed Mark's hands on his body to move them.

Mark hushed him though, short kisses on his lips cheeks and neck, telling him how stunning he looked, how he was a walking challenge and that you'd be a fool not feel attracted to him.

"Guys don't like it when you act so difficult," The finishing dot to that sentence was a kiss, and it was the second time Mark had told him that now, but his hands around Mark's weakened whereheas Mark was digging his nails into his skin now, groping him hard and forcing his knee between his legs and close to his crotch.

Jinyoung moaned quietly.

"You like that?" Mark whispered against his lips, smacking his ass as hard as he could from his position, Jinyoung mewled from the pain. "Jesus, Jinyoung, your body is made for this."

"No -" Jinyoung grabbed Mark's wrists before he was about to take his shirt off. He stopped him, and the conviction made Mark look up to him for a couple of seconds.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He asked, scandalized.

"I-" Jinyoung closed his eyes. "I'm not ready for this."

He expected Mark to laugh, he expected Mark to insult him, but he sighed, forcing himself out of Jinyoung's hands and detangled their legs and set at the edge of the bed, huffing his cheeks and looking a little angry.

Jinyoung's heart was beating fast, so he got closer to Mark, hugging him from behind and asking him if it was okay.

"Don't worry, darling," Mark said, but he remained static and his voice cold, Jinyoung felt worse by the second. "It's just, in the future, you really shouldn't be like this."

Jinyoung looked up to him questioningly.

"They'll get bored of you," Mark declared simply. "Nobody wants a tease."

"I'm not a tease!" Jinyoung said, shoving Mark who didn't budge.

"Honey, you've been teasing me since that day on Jackson's couch." Mark said matter-of-factly, but Jinyoung didn't tease him! Or so Jinyoung wanted to say, even though he made out with him that same day, and maybe he gave Mark the wrong idea when Mark was really just being sweet to him because anyone else would've gotten mad at him.

He fell into overthinking and realized that it was his fault, really, that he ended up in this situation. Anyone would expect sex after being kind for so long, Mark was nice and patient enough as he was.

"Nevermind," Mark said, standing up. "I shouldn't have said that. It's fine. Let's just do something els-"

But Jinyoung already grabbed his waist and Mark was back on the bed, Jinyoung's arms snaked around his neck while Mark was holding himself upright with his arms, facing down on Jinyoung. "Oh?"

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung said. "Just kiss me."

"Are you gonna kick me again?" Mark asked, dodging Jinyoung's lips. "Because I think I'll pass, really, nothing wrong with being a late bloomer."

"No!" Jinyoung sighed. "I'm a little scared, is all."

Mark rolled his eyes, but kissed Jinyoung's neck nevertheless, letting his hands roam up his shirt until it was wrapped over his face and he kept it it there to Jinyoung's surprise. Then he sat straight, on his knees in between Jinyoung's spread legs, admiring the beautiful sight of Jinyoung with his arms up and the shirt just barely letting him breath.

So he bit his thighs, once, twice, and Jinyoung was squirming from the pain, kicking around until Mark stilled his knees and told him to calm down.

"You're doing it again," He said. "I'm starting to think it's on purpose."

"It's not." Jinyoung said, muffled by the cloth, closing his legs to no success because Mark spread them back just as quickly.

"Jinyoung-" Mark said, taking the shirt off completely and Jinyoung tried to cover himself with his arms, but Mark separated them, too. "What is that you want? Tell me exactly, or I'll leave because I have no time to be fucking around with a little kid."

He should have felt insulted, but he didn't. Instead, it switched on a button in his brain and he weakly remembered Jaebum saying that right now Mark and Jinyoung were fire and fire, but it was quickly dimished when he felt the burn of self-doubt wash over him.

"Where were you yesterday?" Jinyoung dared, and it really was a dare because Mark looked taken back for a few seconds before he kissed him hard.

"With my grandma," Mark lied, and he knew Jinyoung knew, and Jinyoung knew he should have protested when Mark kissed him from the neck down to the waistband of his shorts, and then came up again, inhaling Jinyoung's scent, and whispered in his ear. "Will you be nice and suck me off?"

Mark patted his cheek, thumb in his mouth, and from his mouth dragged the saliva down to his chin and held Jinyoung's hand to put it on his crotch, clearly hard. " _You_ did this."

Jinyoung would feel guilty if he didn't, so he did. On his knees and on the floor while Mark guided him through it. It was sweet, really, from the outside perspective how Mark smiled at the boy while brushing the hair out of eyes, telling him not to be nervous and that it was alright. It confused Jinyoung, so he sucked on Mark's thumb again until he took his sweatpants down to his knees and lightly pushed Jinyoung's head towards him.

"Who told you?" Mark asked, watching Jinyoung nervously touch him, hands trembling.

For a second Jinyoung did not know what he was referring to, but the ants crawling down from the bookstand brought him back to Earth, so he looked up to Mark, and when he looked up to Mark he licked the tip like he had seen in the porno movies and Mark grunted the second he sucked down, slow, just a little bit, but then going down as deep as he could.

That was, until Mark grabbed his hair, and suddenly Jinyoung did not like it anymore, but he continued regardless and Mark asked him again, asking if it was Jackson.

Jinyoung shook his head aggressively mainly because Jackson really did not say anything and it was all evident speculation which had more evidence to be than not to be, but right then he was doing something he really did not want to do, and the realization hit him when Mark groaned, telling him to get on the bed.

"I don't want this, Mark," Mark would understand, definitely, because he understood before. But Mark did not stop and Jinyoung told himself that it was because his own voice was too low and Mark probably did not hear him, of course, that was it. Any more protest was silenced when Mark pinched his nipples and took of his jeans.

"You'd look good with nipple piercings." Mark declared, and Jinyoung decided to loosen up even though every fiber of his being told him to stop it. He didn't, and minutes later Mark had sweetalked him into bending over and thrusts into him with his shirt on, hands in his hair, back arching painfully.

It felt good for a couple of seconds during his climax, seconds after Mark finished. Fucked out and barely realizing where he was anymore, Jinyoung felt guilty and ashamed, but he must've fallen asleep because the next time he opened his eyes, the clock ticked one a.m and Mark was smoking sitting by the window, the red of the cigarette feeling like the only colour among the blues of the night.

Jinyoung wondered if he was going to kiss him, rather, he expected the cuddles and didn't know why Mark wasn't lying with him when they just had their first time together! Granted Jinyoung didn't feel to comfortable with it, but he guessed it was part of it and he assumed that he'd feel better when he woke up.

"Why are you there?" Jinyoung croaked over his suddenly horse voice. "Come here."

"I don't think that'd be a good idea," Mark said, looking deeply through Jinyoung. "Shouldn't you go home?"

Jinyoung was speechless. He realized he just had a shirt, just a short that did not belong to him and the bottom half of himself was stripped naked just covered by the bed covers, which Mark must've put on him while he was passed out, and felt madly used and abused - he sat straight. He was going to loose it real soon, and Mark didn't look like he was in a much better state.

"Are you disgusted?" Jinyoung asked, shaken. "Is that it?"

Mark rolled his eyes clearly bothered. "No. It's not that hard to fuck, you just take it."

Jinyoung was defeated, picking up his clothes from the floor not daring to look at the man on smoking on the chair, literally looking down on him at that moment. If he was going to cry, he was damn sure not going to do it in his room.

"How long did you know?" Mark asked then. "Were you all laughing at me behind my back, or something?"

"Excuse me?" Jinyoung snapped, looking at him with tears in his eyes.

"I was at a therapist yesterday," Mark said. "I know you know that."

Mark threw Jinyoung's phone towards the bed, hitting the wall instead. Jinyoung felt unsafe. But as usual, he did not listen to what his instincts told him, and in typical Jinyoung fashion, he made the situation worse acting out on his perverse side instead.

"Jaebum texted you asking where you were - Saying not to do anything stupid. What is stupid? Was fucking you so hard you passed out stupid?"

Jinyoung told him to _stop that_ , buckling up his jeans, tying his shoes up and agressively checking if his phone still worked. "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't need your sympathy Jinyoung. I was kicked out of my parents house and came here to live with my grandma because a disgusting pervert hurt me when I was a kid and my parents thought I was just asking for attention," He stood up. "So you can tell everyone if you want and laugh at me."

So it was about that. Jinyoung's jaw went lax, and for some reason, he relaxed. So he stood up and picked up the pencils Mark had thrown on the floor and put the notebook back in its place, then he sat down on the desk, looking out to the night sky and he could hear the clear laughter of a group of women right under Mark's room, mixing depressingly with Mark's own sniffs.

Mark had hurt Jinyoung. Jinyoung knew that, but Mark was hurting himself, too, and Jinyoung felt the curiousity, the morbid interest from before well up in him again, stomach twisting at the sight of Mark. So he took his cigarette out of his fingers, took a very long drag himself, held the smoke in his lungs for as long as he could before putting the cigarette off on the edge of the desk.

They sat in that silence for a good six minutes, Jinyoung let out a breath.

The night was quiet for the most part. The mist still heavy, Mark's room comfortably warm.

"Go out with me," Jinyoung said. "Let's go out."

Mark was fidgeting with his thumbs again before letting out a meek 'alright’, and wiped his tears with the sleeve of his sweater.

Which was how when the first time Jinyoung got into a relationship, it was with the boy who made him first realize he could feel that way, and it was also the first time he fell into a toxic, dysfunctional and borderline mutually destructive relationship which was a danger hazard for everyone around them, but especially themselves. Thankfully, Jinyoung had a gasmask in the shape of Jaebum.

Unfortunately, Mark never had that privilege.

 

* * *

 

**AN This chapter was written a long time ago but it was a lot edgier and I didn't think it fit with what I want this story to be, which is above all naturalistic and real. So I re-wrote Mark and Jinyoung's scenes like, four times until it got to this and although I'm not totally sold, I don't hate it. It also took long because I got super invested into a oneshot I wrote which you should definitely read because I actually like it???[Here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7780897) it's a little experimental. And, uh, this will have like, three more chapters and this chapter broke me as a person and tell me what yall think. Thank you !**


	4. Chapter Four.

_"Console yourself with excuses and nothing else will ever matter."_

-

  
When Mark and Jinyoung announced that they were going out, their confession was met with a silence which was louder than any words they could muster, and Jackson's forced laughter which was synonym to bad decisions echoed loudly between the four walls. Meanwhile, Jaebum sat in the corner of the couch next to Jackson, staring at both Jinyoung and Mark for the rest of the time they spent there, and Jinyoung briefly wondered if he was even blinking or breathing.  
  
Their relationship was accepted by nobody. Jinyoung knew that. Jinyoung knew Mark knew that, but Mark still put his hands on his knee and patted it once and twice and gave him a toothy smile between all of it.  
  
Jinyoung and Mark's relationship had a fairytale-like beginning which convinced Jinyoung they just had a rocky start which was started in a rocky moment, and everything from there on forward was going to go just like the Disney movies. Jinyoung just had to make sure Jaebum knew that.  
  
Which was why he walked home with him that same day, telling Mark he'd go to his house later that night.  
  
The first time Jaebum outright lied to Jinyoung, it was when Jinyoung first got a boyfriend, and lost his virginity before he did.  
  
"So I won," Jinyoung said, strutting around Jaebum and the winter bite getting colder by the day so they wore sweaters to be comfortable. "Jaebum, I won."  
  
Jaebum looked at him for a good four seconds. "I'm not gonna say anythin'."  
  
"Why not?" Jinyoung wondered, pushing him forward with his shoulders. "Oh, I get it. I know you said I shouldn't see Mark for a while but you don't understand. He treats me real good and tonight he's taking me to see the stars up the hill."  
  
Jaebum did his best to laugh bitterly or shout at him by the riverbank, in public, despite no one actually being around.  
  
"Jinyoung," Jaebum finally said. "You don't know what you're doing."  
  
"Sure I do," Jinyoung remained unimpressed. "Listen - I can fix him. He's had a bad childhood but you and I know he's a good person."  
  
" _Sure I do_ ," Jaebum mimicked, stopping in his tracks. "You're not his father to _'fix'_ anything."  
  
But Jinyoung stuck his tongue out.  
  
"Why's your phone broken?" Jaebum asked, but it felt more like he was pointing something out.  
  
"Dropped it." Jinyoung said automatically.  
  
Jaebum hummed. "Funny, you've never ever dropped your phone before."

Which was how they reached Jaebum's house before Jinyoung could look at him disgusted and ask him what he thought he was on about.

"And another thing, you _lost_. Stella was in town last week," Jaebum paused. "We had fun."

And the door was smashed in his face, and Jinyoung could tell he was lying, and he didn't know why he was lying, and then he got angry. Stupid Jaebum was just friend-jealous, and a bad friend to Mark on top of that, so he kicked the door hard and regretted it immediately because it shot up his leg and he screeched  _'ouch!'_ before he could walk away.  
  
No, Jinyoung was going to make this work.  
  
That night was the first night Jinyoung had been up the towns hills, brought there by Mark in Jackson's beat up car which they shared a lot. Mark did not have a license, Jinyoung didn't care about that. They laid down with three blankets and stared up at the stars while Mark had his arms around his shoulders.  
  
They kissed for a very long time, slow and sensual until Mark moaned in bliss - but they left it at that. Eventually, after talking about mundane, small things, they fell asleep on the grass, wrapped like spring rolls in the blankets, entangled like vines into each other.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jinyoungie. I won't do it again."  
  
Jinyoung had long since forgiven him.

  
  
-

  
  
They were a walking timebomb. Relationship personified into a linedancer waiting to fall from the tallest building in the world down to the concrete so everyone could see their blood cover up the streets they fell in. It was obvious to everybody around them, it was obvious to everyone except themselves.  
  
Their first week was over, and with that came the end of the honeymoon phase in which they held hands a lot, had breakfast together a lot, and slept over at night limiting themselves to making-out and holding hands a lot.  
  
They talked about nothing. Whispered sweet little things to each other. Their kisses almost felt like they were necessary to unlock the next level. After a week, that level was open to play, and the spiral began.  
  
Mark had awful mood-swing. From sweetheart to snappy, it made Jinyoung walk on eggshells around him. Mark always said sorry after he snapped at Jinyoung, though, like the time Jinyoung let the milk fall on the floor and Mark shoved him away, called him useless and cleaned it up himself, just to hold his hand minutes later and took him to fix his phone screen right afterwards.

That night they were celebrating the end of the first semester at a classmates house, and for some reason, Jackson roped them all into going if just to spike the juice and watch everyone be drugged for the rest of the night against their own will.  
  
It was an incredibly funny idea at the time, so Jinyoung was getting ready in Mark's house, already showed up in ripped jeans and a basic black tee with DocMarten boots to finish it all off.  
  
"You gained weight." Mark said off-handedly, turning the page of the comic book he was reading.  
  
Jinyoung's heart dropped to his stomach with those words. He looked at his boyfriend with disbelief and Mark looked at him stupid.  
  
"What? Don't look at me like that," Jinyoung continued to stare him down, so Mark sighed, putting the comic on the nightstand. "Honey, what matters is that I like you right?"  
  
Jinyoung looked at himself in the mirror. The confidence he worked to gain suddenly broke as easily as the muttering of three words from his boyfriend. He felt his exposed arms, suddenly felt exposed in his tight skinny jeans he thought Mark would like.  
  
"Hey I didn't mean to make you feel bad," Mark reassured, hugging him from behind and kissing his neck, walking a few steps back and sitting both of them down on the bed, bouncing as Jinyoung fell on his lap.  
  
Jinyoung suddenly didn't feel comfortable dressing the way he did.  
  
"Mark, do you have a shirt with long sleeves?" He did, but Mark didn't let him get it until he kissed him and promised him it was because of the cold and not because of some sort of embarrassment.  
  
"Just don't go looking for jeans, they won't fit you." And Mark cackled towards the bathroom thinking his joke was funny. Phonescreen shining new, Jinyoung stared at the time, a little more desperate than before. Man, his mother would say he was acting like a woman if she saw him like that.

 

-

  
  
The second time Jinyoung lied to Jaebum, it was when he texted him asking if they were going to walk to the house together and Jinyoung said he already promised Mark he'd walk with him. The third time Jinyoung lied to Jaebum, it was when Jaebum opened the door for them, and waited for Mark to go greet Jackson before pulling Jinyoung towards a quiet hallway - of course, not before Mark kissed him deep infront of Jaebum and telling him to be careful.  
  
"What are you wearing?" Jaebum asked, and Jinyoung noticed something was a little off when he pulled on Jinyoung's, which was really Mark's, sleeve.  
  
"A shirt," Jinyoung said, inhaling deep to make sure he wasn't imagining things, and then he gasped loud, both hands on his mouth. "Are you high again? Your mom will kill you."  
  
Jaebum shook his head wildly and attempted to poke his chest, but almost tripped over nothing and poked his shoulder instead, then thinking it over and pointing at his shirt for a second time. "Whatever, man. Where's your lacy stuff you always wear?"  
  
Jinyoung hummed amused, crossing his arms. "Dissapointed, Jaebummie?"  
  
Jaebum rolled his eyes, basically telling Jinyoung he wasn't up for jokes, so he huffed and puffed and then he told him it was cold, so he decided to wear one of Mark's shirts instead. Jaebum was not buying it.  
  
So he mimicked Jinyoung by crossing his arms around his chest, and Jinyoung wondered what he was doing. They were at the end of one of the hallways in the big, two-story house, and they could hear the _thump-thump-thump_ of trap music banging on the walls, Jaebum's breath was on his face, and Jinyoung felt like it was gravity pushing him forward till their breaths mingled and he could tell Jaebum had done lines again, because his pupils were more dilated than usual and he wasn't ever sloppy unless he was on something.  
  
This should have upset him, it was going to upset him.  
  
That was, until Jaebum dropped the question centimeters away from his face, hidden in the shadows of a house party. "So how was it?"  
  
Jinyoung immediately understood what he was referring to, so he automatically shoved Jaebum forwards when he flinched - it wasn't intentional when he made Jaebum stumble a step back, nor did he mean to put that hurt look on his face when he frowned disappointed at him.  
  
"Shit sorry Jae-"  
  
"Is he hurting you?" Jaebum snapped, asked seriously, arms dropping to his sides. His eyes were puppy big and Jinyoung felt as if they were eight years old again, because the innocence and worry dripped off of his words like it hadn't done in a very long time.  
  
His breath was caught in his throat and he could not talk. Which was when Mark appeared, seemingly materializing from the ground with Jackson around his shoulders and Leslie on his other side. Shit, Jinyoung eyed Jaebum nervously, but before he could get a good hold of what he was thinking, Mark smiled sweetly at him and grabbed him by the waist.  
  
"Oh Leslie, I'm gonna throw up-" And Jackson ran in the bathroom right next to them while Leslie yelled something about telling him he shouldn't have eaten those brownies, followed by the sound of Jackson gagging and Leslie kicking the door shut.  
  
It was adorable, truly, and they were tempted to roll their eyes in unision but Jaebum licked his lips and clenched his jaw staring into Mark.  
  
"Good riddance Jaebum," Mark pointed at his nose. "Don't overdo it."  
  
And then he dragged Jinyoung by the hand towards the living room, Jaebum following after them, the dramatic yells of Jackson and Leslie re-enacting scenes from _Mean Girls_ in the bathroom becoming a second sound track and BamBam, Yugyeom and Krystal stopped Jaebum to sit with them, telling him he should give the newlyweds some time for themselves.  
  
Which was how the drinks were downed, Jinyoung looking at Mark intently. Mark was truly beautiful, really, moles on his fingers and under his eyes, pretty healthy tan skin and all. He poured them both two heavily loaded glasses of rum and coke.  
  
"You look spooked - caught you cheating or something?"  
  
Jinyoung shook his head, taking the drink and swallowing the most he could, then Mark burst out in laughter.  
  
"I was kidding, Jinyoungie," He said, already finishing his glass and pouring him another one. "That Jaebum is too stuffed with coke nowadays anyway, Krystal, too."  
  
"We should tell them to get out of it," Jinyoung said meekly, letting himself fall into the warmth of Mark's chest. Actively choosing to forget certain things was becoming a self-taught talent. "I've noticed you don't do any of that?"  
  
Mark nodded, gulped down the drink. "Not my thing," He finished his second glass, grabbed whichever bottle was behind him this time, which was Hennessey. "You?"  
  
"A few times, but mostly for Jaebum."  
  
It made him sound like Jaebum was a terrible influence, Mark grinned as if he already knew and poured more alcohol for Jinyoung while he was at it.  
  
"Don't do it, honey, it'll kill you. Literally or not."  
  
The prospect of Jaebum dying in any way was too scary for Jinyoung to begin to fathom, so he drank his second cup quick and then stole from Mark's cup when he was finished. Suddenly, he wasn't feeling the music very much, but when their group crowded around the two sitting by the table, they were pushed and pulled into dancing to Schoolboy Q.  
  
"Let's get out of here after this." Said Mark after giving Jinyoung a quick kiss on the cheek before getting dragged into a weird threesome of humping and getting down lown with Jackson and Leslie, laughing hard and childlishly. Jinyoung almost felt bad and Mark had a pained expression on his face, muttering 'God save me', and grinned at him with love and adoration which made Jinyoung feel warm in his chest.   
  
It was sweet, really.  
  
"My prince, may I have this dance?" Jaebum snaked behind him, and Jinyoung let his hand be taken and kissed. Mark didn't complain about Jaebum earlier, hell, he even joked about it! so surely he wouldn't mind if he danced like he and Jaebum normally would, which was overly sexual just to make fun of everyone else on the dancefloor, all laughs and grinns, until the alcohol started getting to him and Jaebum's hands were firmly on his waist, swinging his hips grinding together and where Jinyoung laughed, Jaebum grabbed him harder.

It was not supposed to go like that, but Jinyoung let it go, looking at Mark only once during the entire thing, not daring to do it again when his boyfriend kind of locked up in his place sandwhiched between his friends, staring at Jaebum's hands on him, their proximity and perhaps at Jaebum and Jinyoung in general.  
  
Thirty five minutes later, it was half past one and Mark and Jinyoung left.

  
  
-

  
"Did you tell your mom you're staying over?" Mark asked, putting the key in the door and nudging Jinyoung to be quiet because his grandmother was long since asleep.  
  
He shook his head. "It's fine though. I'll text her saying we were doing school work."  
  
"She's gonna believe that?" Mark asked, honestly curious if any parent thought their kid was doing schoolwork in the first week of Winter holidays at night, but Jinyoung shrugged saying she just needed an excuse to console herself and the rest didn't really matter. Mark nodded like he understood. He didn't really, because his grandmother didn't meddle in his private life at all.  
  
"After she saw us kissing she's been hinting I don't hang out with you," Jinyoung said when Mark closed to door to his room and he let himself fall on the bed, his feet hurting and letting himself truly feel tipsy. He was talking too much, blabbering too much, Mark listened to him. "So I'm gonna say I'm at Jaebum's place."  
  
"Ah," Mark dropped the keys on the table, taking his jacket and kicking his shoes off, sighing loud and sitting in front of Jinyoung on his computer chair. "I'm a secret, _cool_."  
  
"You know I don't mean it like _that_." Jinyoung slurred his words a bit, looking at his boyfriend accusingly.  
  
"I know, honey," Mark smiled at him, and then he crawled in his own bed, legs dangling over Jinyoung until he pushed Jinyoung till he sat on his lap, Mark hugging him tight. "So what was all that about?"  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
He kissed him and bit his lip, using his hand both to let his hand wander to the small of his back and curve of his ass and the other one to tug on his hair, taking him even closer to Mark in such a way it seemed like they were going to melt into each other and become one. Jinyoung let out a breathy moan at this.  
  
"Aren't you a little brave dancing like that with another guy when you have a boyfriend, what are you, a whore? how much per hour? Hm?"  
  
He groped him hard, so much Jinyoung yelped in all his tipsy glory, noticing Mark was a little more drunk than him, and his hips budged on Mark's, making him groan and making Jinyoung confused. "But you were doing the same thi-"  
  
"Jackson and Leslie don't count, don't you even know that? It's different." So he slapped his ass and let his hand stay there, telling him to turn around. Jinyoung did as he was told, to be fair, Jackson and Leslie were a couple. Maybe Mark was right.  
  
Mark squeezed his ass hard. "Do you charge per the hour or do you have some sort of hooker menu card?"  
  
Jinyoung flinched and slapped him. He was not sure what made him do it. No, the teasing wasn't very funny to him, he was a little bit tipsy. Yet when he saw the red bloom on Mark's cheek it took him ten entire seconds to feel bad.  
  
"Shit so-"

Mark shoved him hard so he fell on his back on the matress and Mark still between his legs, hovering over him with his hands clawed in his hown digging them on the sheets in a way they were definitely going to be left purple. Jinyoung thought he was going to hit him back - he embraced for the impact but the impact never came.  
  
Mark looked like he was deciding between doing two things; continue with what he originally pinned him down for, or a second option Jinyoung was unaware off. Mark did the latter, he sighed, stood up and walked out of the room.  
  
Jinyoung felt really bad at this point, the bed feeling ten times its actual size and they were both under the influence when he jumped up to follow Mark around the apartment, the _tap-tap-tap_ of his feet louder than he intended it to be, reaching the kitchen and finding Mark drinking water, leaning on the counter and looking absolutely stunning under the orange lighting of the kitchen, black shirt with large holes around the arms and gray sweatpants he rolled up to his knees.  
  
"I'm sorry Mark, but please don't make jokes like that."  
  
Mark raised his eyebrow mid-gulping down the water from the one litre bottle but he didn't seem totally angry, so Jinyoung sighed in relief.  
  
"Close the door." Mark demanded, wiping off the water with his hand on his lips. Jinyoung closed the door, the rumbling of the fridge becoming louder.  
  
Mark sighed. "You're exaggerating," He said. "But if it gets you that upset," He walked forward, toes touching Jinyoung's, and then he poured the rest of the ice cold water on his head, dripping down from his head to his shoulders. Jinyoung remained static. "Then that's payback, it hurt, you idiot."  
  
He said it lightheartedly, like it was friendly banter but Jinyoung felt humiliated at best and being in that house, at that moment, made him want to choke while the water dripped to the floor and Mark dropped the empty bottle to the ground.

Jinyoung breathed in loud, feeling cold.  
  
"Will you clean it up?" Mark asked, smile wide. Jinyoung would have kicked him to the curve, Jinyoung would have told him to fuck off, Jinyoung would have not accepted half the things Mark had said to him that day, but Jinyoung was also a little bit obsessed with Mark, and Mark was a little bit obsessed with Jinyoung, and both of them were a little bit tipsy - so despite every fiber of his being telling him to leave the house, leave Mark, leave everything related to the two of them, he went on his knees and picked up the bottle, feeling Mark look down on him until he threw it away.  
  
"Thanks, babe," He gave him a peck once Jinyoung stood up, still not looking at Mark. "I'll dry your hair, then let's go to sleep."  
  
Jinyoung's tongue was too lazy to speak or perhaps he did not have the energy to even attempt to fight back, so he nodded and let himself get dragged to the bathroom, Mark peppering him with adoration and affection he was craving for. It was a hunger with a price, and the price kept going higher.

  
  
  
-

  
  
They never spoke about that night, no, not really. They woke up the next morning with Mark clutching on Jinyoung like a little koala, head on his chest like he were a little baby and Jinyoung was the parent - which surprised him so Jinyoung straightened out the knots of his boyfriends hair while he was still snoozing.  
  
His head hurt. Mark's head hurt twice as much. Mark's grandmother was already working downstairs so they spent the afternoon making pancakes and watching cartoons on the small television in the living room with just their pajamas on, hair sticking out and eyebags making them look like crackheads more than people.  
  
"These are really good," Jinyoung said, stabbing the pancake roll with his fork. "Man, how did you learn to cook like this?"  
  
"They're just pancakes," Mark giggled bashfully. "The berries are from downstairs, grandma left them in the kitchen this morning saying we should eat them."  
  
"Does your grandmother know we're dating?" Jinyoung asked curiously, stealing a piece of Mark's berry pancake after he finished his own.  
  
"I told her you're my boyfriend." Mark said, putting his finger in the remainder of the berry sauce which slipped out of the pancake and sucked his finger.  
  
"What'd she say?"  
  
"Well I kind of," He played with the sauce on the plate again. "I just kind of, y'know, already talked about you a lot before," He sucked on his fingers for a second time, feet on the couch. "So she wasn't really surprised. She was happy that you make me happy."  
  
It was the bit of honesty Mark gave him which made him cling on to him, and he knew that it wasn't some sort of manipulative ploy to enrapture him into his web. The Mark in front of him was boyish, shy with his feelings and a bit awkward. It was the Mark Jinyoung did not obsess over, but it was the Mark he met for the first time a long time ago.  
  
Jinyoung liked them this way.  
  
"Your grandmother is amazing," He concluded. "My mother doesn't say it, but she hates me."  
  
Mark shook his head. "Do you think that?"  
  
"I know that," Jinyoung said matter-of-factly. "She's tired. Don't get me wrong, she's my mother and I love her unconditionally, she just doesn't love me the same way."  
  
Mark stayed silent, put his plate on the coffee table and then Spongebob started playing again after the adverts, Mark listened to Jinyoung talk about his older brother who was coming over the next week after years and that he was a little excited about it. In the midst of it, they stayed silent, comfortable and warm.  
  
Until Mark cleared his throat, knotting his sweater and looking down on his hands, picking out the edges. "Where's your father?"  
  
Jinyoung looked at Mark, thinking about it. "Uh, I don't know."  
  
It was a little bit sad. Despite not knowing where his father was for the past decade, it felt foreign to voice it out. He returned the question, shouldn't have, but he wanted Mark's honesty. Mark thumbed his sweater a little faster.  
  
"Mine are in Seoul," He said. Speaking of both his parents even though he just asked about his father. "They don't hate me."  
  
Oh, oh. Jinyoung suddenly felt like all the butterflies woke up and he wanted to cry at the sight of Mark and how hard in denial he seemed to be. The conversation stopped there. Jinyoung despite wanting to know every little crack and crook could not handle the weight of Mark at that time, so they grabbed more pancakes, and they watched more cartoons and they hugged until Jaebum texted Jinyoung telling him he was waiting outside of his house, and Jinyoung texted him he couldn't make it.  
  
After that, Mark's grandmother called them down and the both of them helped carry the boxes out of the delivery truck and place them into the fruitshop. In the end, Jinyoung got paid with a pot of jam and a kiss from Mark.  
  
"It's good for hangovers." Mark's grandmother had said.  
  
"Thanks." Mark mouthed when she picked up the phone yelling at the other line, smiling and Jinyoung knew it was real. It was real and beautiful, and at that moment, Jinyoung did not obsess, but instead, Jinyoung fell a little bit in love.

He told himself he was going to Jaebum's house to apologize for leaving him hanging that morning, stepping on cloud nine and the chippery birds singing just for him.

* * *

**AN Initially I was gonna make Mark and Jinyoung's relationship super short but I'm having a great time writing them together because I don't usually write these kind of relationships so I hope you guys don't mind !! thank you for reading and tell me what you think so far !!! Not a lot happened here but it'll go down next time lol**

 


	5. Chapter Five.

"The bottom line of it all was that all of it was avoidable, but Jinyoung didn’t believe in avoiding things."

 

-

 

Jinyoung felt like he was bouncing on clouds instead of walking on concrete like the rest of the planet when he rushed to his house, telling himself he’d visit Jaebum to ask what he wanted to tell him earlier that day.

Before he knew it, his thoughts helped him speed up and then he was in front of the door he had seen and walked in to so many times in his life. Never hesistant about it, he checked if it was unlocked first, and then knocked twice. His parents were home.

Surely, Mrs.Im opened the door and Jinyoung could not ever get over how much Jaebum looked like his mother with the catty eyes, long copper hair and tan skin, she had a sleeve of tattoos on her left arm and the same koi fish Jaebum had on the back of her neck just like her husband.

She was much younger than Jinyoung’s mother. She smiled at him while drying a plate.

“Hey Jinyoung, Jaebum left a while ago,” She said. “To Krystals place.”

Krystals place, Jinyoung thought about for a good couple of seconds when he snapped awake and realized that they were probably getting high on Krystals supply again. Jinyoung should have been seething mad but the happiness brushed it over with light amusement and resistance, so he smiled back at his mother.

“Oh yeah, I was going there just now,” He lied. “But I need to pick up a book I left in his room.”

“Go get it then.” She said, and Jinyoung hopped into their house listening to the radio and Jaebum’s father waved at him from the living room. Before he reached the stairs, though Jaebum’s mother called out to him.

“What’s up?” He asked, she frowned, looking a little bit cautious.

“Does Jaebum seem weird to you lately?”

Jinyoung thought about it. “Not more than usual.”

“Alright,” she sighed. “I get it’s normal to experiment at your age, but I trust you two keep an eye on each other for trouble, right?”

“You’re right, miss.”

“Of course I am.”

And with that, Jinyoung barged into Jaebum’s room, he who stupidly left his laptop on and on his bed, heated up and too hot to touch. He shut it down without looking at the open tabs, he stuffed the clothes in his closet and picked a random book to bring down. Then he looked around the room.

Jaebum’s room had been the same since he was fourteen. Before that he had rock band posters up and had childlishly drawn anarchy signs on his door and table. When he turned fourteen, he decided it was time for a change and while the signs remained, the posters were taken off and replaced with vinyl his parents had in the basement - from Aerosmith to Aretha Franklin, mixed in with his own adolescent angst like Green Day to sweeter stuff like Nujabes. This was all on one side of the wall, the rest was white, his bedsheets brown and it was three big steps in size from his bed to the window.

In the middle of it was a small table with ‘A’ written on it, Jinyoung and Jaebum had done their homework on it  a million and one times, recently used for cocaine purposes. Jinyoung knew Jaebum, so he ducked down immediately and touched under the table, surely, there it was.

Stuck against it with tape were two small bags of coke. Jinyoung had his suspicions, but catching him in first person was a little bit jarring to him. He put them on the table, and checked between his matresses - there was one more. Finally he opened the closet and taped in a shoe he never used and found another one.

Four little packs of drugs in under five minutes, Jinyoung knew what he was looking for and now he was wondering what to do with it. He tossed them in his bag - it was the quickest decision he could make - and leaving everything exactly like it was before his dirty fingers touched anything, he left the room, thanked his parents and raised his book at them as if to prove that he was not doing anything bad in their sons bedroom. With that, he ran towards his own house.

He barged through the door, knocking face-first into it because it was rusty and he couldn't open it fast enough. Intentions of running into his bedroom, the sight of his mother reading the Saturday newspaper on the coffeetable stopped him. Almost like he stepped back into reality and everything else that happened the past two days was fake.

She said nothing to him. She had definitely seen and heard him coming in. She passed the page in a brutally slow way after licking the tip of her finger.

Jinyoung coughed. "Hi," He said. "Hi mom."

"Hello." She said. Almost robotically, not looking up from her newspaper. It probably wasn't that interesting, anyways, because it was page twelve which specialized in politics.

So Jinyoung's words died on his tongue and his childish heart got a little hurt. He tossed the bag in the corner of his room and quickly changed his shirt, put on some deodorant, tied his shoes up tighter and without much more than a 'I'm going out' he left the house again, telling himself he was going to Krystal's place, but realized he did not know where Krystal's father lived because she only stayed with him on the weekends.

In not his brighest moments, Jinyoung called Jaebum directly. The beep-beep-beep making him nervous, and on the fourth, Jaebum picked up and Jinyoung heard someone sush someone else.

“Uh,” Jinyoung tried, realizing he was standing by the bus stop and a bus opened its doors just for him and he shook his head, the driver looking mildly annoyed.

He was sure he was not the only one.

“Jaebum,” He said, feeling stupid. “I- uh, I need you.”

The line went quiet for many seconds. To be fair, Jinyoung would have stayed quiet, too.

“You need me,” Jaebum said bemused. “Whatever will you need me for, Jinyoungie?”

“Where are you right now?”

The words weren't meant to sting, but Jinyoung kind of felt like had just bitten Jaebum. The satisfaction of catching him was brief and the burn of dissappointment lingered on.

Jaebum took a couple of seconds to respond, stuttering a little with each word. “Krystal’s place.”

Jinyoung knew Krystal was objectively the most lesbian person on planet Earth but still felt inclined to tease and ask Jaebum if they were dating, or something. Instead he told him he’d come over if he told him where her father lived.

Which was when he heard some grumbling from the other line, a loud “hey!” from Jaebum and Krystal snatching his phone from his hand, feminine yet demanding voice booming through it as if she was talking to someone across the road and not via the phone.

“Yo Jinyoung!” She shouted. “My dad gets annoyed when more than one person is over so just come tonight with the rest of the gang when he's gon- jeez Jaebum is your nose bleeding again?” More incoherent mumbles. “Uh - I’ll text Mark the adress, alright?. Jaebum man I did _not_ give you bath salt and don't talk to me like tha-”

The line died at that moment. Jinyoung considered injecting bathsalt himself.

 

-

 

The silence in his own house was the loudest, most unbearable noise Jinyoung had ever heard. He fretted, twisted and turned in his bed hearing the clock tick and tock all the way from the living room. The clock had been there since Jinyoung was born. Probably before that, too. Jinyoung briefly imagined the clock was talking to his mother every single day as she ate alone, did newspaper quizzes by herself and cleaned up the house which was already impeccable because there was no man to leave behind crumbs of chips and no tappy-feet of little kids messing up the carpet.

This thought was incredibly sad. So Jinyoung stood up and walked to the fruit shop, closing the door behind him quietly, wondering if his mother would yell at him if he left without saying anything. Funnily enough, she was the one who stayed quiet.

 

-

 

It was seven p.m when Jinyoung reached the fruit shop without a name, and without either of them noticing, Jinyoung quietly watched his grandmother arguing with a stupor proper of a fierce elder lady like herself in a language Jinyoung did not understand.

Mark's shoulders were tensed up and his voice was calm for the sake of his grandmother but the edge was evident. Again, Jinyoung did not understand a word of what they were saying, but opposition was universal. She shook her head, then shook he head some more and finally said something which made Mark shut up. Jinyoung wondered what it was, but unfortunately he got noticed by her and Mark snapped up immediately, his expression either bored or annoyed when he saw him.

He didn't think too much of it.

Kissing his grandmothers cheeks and rubbing her veiny hand fondly, Mark walked out of the shop and they stayed quiet until they reached the corner, where Mark hugged him and dug his nose in his neck, lightly pushing him against the wall and left butterfly kisses on his skin. It was a softness as sweet as his voice, but with an unmistakable sadness proper of Mark.

 

Jinyoung's curiousity welled up inside of him like the river of their town. The first time it drowned him, it was when Mark asked him if he was going to stay with him.

"I'll stay with you."

"Promise?" Mark asked.

"Promise."

Jinyoung was a good swimmer, but he wondered how long he could hold his breath.

-

 

The bottom line of it all was that everything was avoidable.

Jinyoung and Mark’s toxic relationship was avoidable - they could’ve met each other at a different point in each others lives and perhaps it would have worked out nicely. Jaebum’s little drug problem was avoidable - he could’ve kept it as a once-in-a-every-so-often thing and be the spitting image of _‘those reckless youngins’_ the elders loved to talk about.

Right then, he wasn't a person who was reckless, right then he was the spitting image of recklessness. There was a difference.

It was all extremely avoidable, but Jinyoung did not believe in avoiding things. If he hadn’t dated Mark, he might’ve dated a guy who would’ve pushed through in actually killing him. If Jaebum had never done coke, he might have tried it later in life and tripped on something fatal. If his father hadn’t left him as a kid, he might have become a much more angry person than he turned out to be.

The first time Jinyoung broke up with Mark, it was also the first time Krystal got a girlfriend - a girl from her basketball team named Amber.

Jaebum had greeted them by the door with toilet paper shoved up his nose and his hands were trembling when he hugged him, Jinyoung’s words died on his tongue for the tenth time that weekend so he kept it at a ‘what were you doing?’ which Jaebum either did not hear or did not want to respond.

Yugyeom had bought beer and the group sat in a self-made circle of pillows drinking and talking while Krystal kissed Amber and Mark kissed Jinyoung.

Mark's mood mellowed out when he walked into the room, and nobody except Jackson noticed that there was something wrong.

“So have you two done it yet?” Yugyeom asked, pointing at the two, two cans of beer in and already stupidly red.

Jackson laughed. “Of course they have, think they can keep it in their pants touching each other like that?”

Jinyoung was sat between Mark's legs and he gripped his thighs, hard, kissing the nape of his neck and grinning at this.

“He’s the best,” Mark confessed. ”And I think we need more beer, babe?”

Jinyoung gave him a look as if to ask him if he was seriously expecting him to get all of them beers from the kitchen by himself. Mark did, so Jinyoung rolled his eyes and stood up, which was exactly when Mark smacked his ass, and everybody laughed.

Jinyoung felt like they were laughing at him, so he walked towards the kitchen quickly, face red and telling himself he was overreacting. Boyfriends smack each others butts all the time. Repeating this over and over again while he struggled to take the beers out of their packets, he realized Jaebum followed behind him, and was now closing the kitchen door.

“I have it already.” Jinyoung assured him. Wanting to get out of there as quickly as he could in case Mark got mad at him again.

He remembered that night like a flash. Talked down to like an animal and the freezing water dripping down to the floor. He remembered going on his knees to grab the bottle and throw it away like Mark told him to. He remembered the soft kisses afterwards. He remembered how drunk they were. He remembered how Mark regretted it.

He shivered.

“We’re driving apart,” Jaebum said suddenly, taking Jinyoung’s beers in his own hand. “I don’t want us to separate.”

Soft confession where his breaths sounded heavier than his voice did.

Jinyoung sighed.

“He’s got you on your toes,” Jaebum continued. “Are you scared of him?”

Jinyoung shook his head but did not say a word so Jaebum took it as a confirmation.

It was unfair. Jaebum could see through Jinyoung like a glass cage but he couldn't break it.

“I wouldn’t accept it,” Jaebum tried again. “If I were you. I would break up with him. But I’m not you. So you just have to tell me and I’ll help you.”

 _But I can’t help you if you don’t want help in the first place._ Those were the unspoken words and they dictated the awkward tension in the dark kitchen. Beer cans cold in his hand making his fingers numb. 

It would’ve been so much easier for Jinyoung to cry out pathetically and beg Jaebum to stop taking drugs. Then Jaebum would cry as well and take Jinyoung into his arms, confess his love on the spot and they’d both tell Mark to back off and live happily ever after. But it just wasn’t realistic.

So Jinyoung did not cry. And Jaebum did not promise to stop taking drugs. And they did not hug, nor did they confess love to each other, and when they walked back into the living room, Mark kissed him, and then he kissed him harder, and Jinyoung could taste the alcohol on his tongue so he pushed him away when Mark put his hand up his shirt for everyone to see.

And they did. At first, it was funny, mistakingly seen as cute. Jaebum was sitting on the floor looking at the scene.

However, Jinyoung did not like to be touched in public, much less like that. So he shoved Mark away, and temporarily forgetting there were people around them, he grabbed his crotch as if he was trying to prove a point to his boyfriend. 

"Stop that!" Jinyoung had enough, and walked out overwhelmed.

Of course, Mark followed after him and Jinyoung was kind of sick of boys walking behind him all the time, so he turned around with his arms crossed, looking down at Mark. He was going to say it, he was not going to take it just like Jaebum wouldn't have.

"I'm breaking up with you." Jinyoung said simply.

Mark laughed at him, as if it was a joke. "You're being ridiculous," He said. "C'mon, I'm sorry. You didn't mean that."

Jinyoung wasn't being ridiculous. Suddenly he felt ridiculous.

Mark noticed this, and grabbed both of his hands.

"It's okay. Everyone overreacts from time to time."

And just like that, the situation was turned on him, and when Mark told him he loved him, Jinyoung stayed silent in his embrace. 

This was mistake number three.

 

-

 

Mistake number four happened before mistake number three did. Mark insisted on Jinyoung staying the night, but Jinyoung told him his brother was coming over the next day.

Jinyoung was surprised when Mark let him go without putting up a lot of fight.

Mistake number four happened before mistake number three, and it came in the form of a couple of bags with cocaine in them which Jinyoung carelessly put in his bag and consequently threw the bag across his room.

What Jinyoung didn't, but should have, expected was that his mother cleaned out the entire house for preparation of his brother the next day - so when Jinyoung came home after midnight for the third time that week, he knew something was going to happen at the first step he set inside his cherished home.

"Park Jinyoung." Jinyoung hated it when she called him by his last name, Jinyoung knew she hated it to call her son by his last name, reminder of her ex-husband. Reminder of what's hers. Reminder of what's his. Reminder of what isn't Jinyoung's.

Jinyoung gulped, and then he turned around on the first step of the staircase. He looked at his mother but his mother did not return it, she had one hand on her forehead, fingers in her graying, dry hair. The other hand was signing papers. His mother was left-handed, Jinyoung was right handed, just like his father.

For whatever was about to happen, Jinyoung tried his best to prepare himself for it.

"Sit down." His mother said off-handedly nudging to the chair in front of her, still not taking her eyes off the envelopes. Jinyoung sat down, arms stiff next to his sides, legs awkwardly and unnaturally straight and his heart about to explode in a million and one pieces.

He sat down, and that was when his mother sighed and put her pen down, reached for the bag hanging off the chair, and threw the little sealed packets Jinyoung got from Jaebum's house across the table, reaching the edge of it, staring up at Jinyoung, who felt like his breath got trapped in his throat.

His first reaction was to laugh, his second reaction was to cry. When he looked at his mothers wrinkled face, he had no reaction at all.

"I'll accept your orientation," Words she had never said before spilled out with an impeccable ease, if it weren't for the pain on her face Jinyoung would have guessed she had rehearsed this. "I'll accept you growing up and experimenting," She continued. "What I will not accept is this."

"Y-you're wrong-" Jinyoung's strenght deflated from his entire body, and even his jaw went lax as his mother's voice raised.

"I want you out of the house," She said, Jinyoung too shaken to hear the hurt in her voice. "I don't know where you've really been these days but I don't expect you to tell me. You'll be off age soon."

His mother was acting impulsively and Jinyoung knew she was going to regret it. Her words felt like a lead shower and he pinched himself with the strength he had left to make sure he wasn't dreaming it up and brushing it off as a bad omen.

He briefly blamed Jaebum for this. Realized he couldn't blame Jaebum for it.

He looked at his mother one more time, hoping to find some sign of regret so he could somehow explain the situation to her. Her face was full of it, but Jinyoung couldn't muster anything up. It was the first time his mother showed understanding, and funnily enough it was when Jinyoung was getting kicked out of his home.

At the realization, his words swung out violently - he stood up and the chair dropped on the floor, he shouted loud and clear but everything he said could have been summed up with _'why won't you believe me?'_ and _'I've been nothing but good to you!'_

His mother was listening, but his mother shook her head. "Just get out," she signed another envelope, smacked it on the pile of finished ones. "Being gay is one thing but this is too much."

She was comparing his love to a drug addiction! That was the end of it. Jinyoung's words were replaced with snickers and tears and he felt defenseless, helpless, and a little bit nostalgic. His father had left her, and now Jinyoung was leaving her.

So even when he ran to his room and found a couple of bags full of clothes and everything he needed to survive, money included, Jinyoung still felt that he was abandoning her, and not the other way around.

When she stood by the doorframe waiting for him to leave, his first reaction was to tell her to stay safe. When she nodded and didn't say anything back, all Jinyoung hoped was for his brother to stay with her.

With the wind almost able to cut his skin, Jinyoung dialled in Jaebum's number, not his boyfriends, praying that he'd come and save him from the icy weather. When he didn't pick up on the third, fourth and fifth call, Jinyoung smashed the phone against the concrete and stomped to Mark's house.

At first he did not hear the sound of the ambulance.

When he reached Mark's fruitshop, made out of wood, he saw it.

Knocked out of his trance, Jinyoung dropped his bags and ran towards Mark, backhugging him and squeezing as hard as he could as Mark's face seemed even paler than it naturally was under the orange ambulance lights  - Mark held his hand without looking at his face, and without exchanging words, the two of them stepped into the ambulance where his grandmother was in.

After this, the mistakes happened so fast that Jinyoung lost count, and Mark wasn't counting at all.

 

* * *

 

**AN It's been a minute but I've had the worst case of a writers block recorded in history. So this chapter is probably super rusty and awkward to read, but I had to post something to get out of my slump lol. Anyways. This is super angsty. The next chapter will be more angsty. Then it gets fluffy. Grandma is fine by the way. Thank you so much for being patient with me and reading !! tell me what you think !!**

**AN AN: So I fucked around and accidentally deleted chapter five. This is not an update and Im sorry for the comments that got lost :((((( oops**


	6. Chapter Six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so angsty wtf prepare

_"He was scared of being and being without."_

 

-

 

The first time Jinyoung was in a hospital, it was when Mark held his hand so strong and hard that it seemed like he was the vine that kept him from falling off of a very high, very dangerous cliff. The first time Jinyoung was in a hospital he was so fidgety and nervous that he walked the long, lonely hallway to keep himself busy with the excuse of getting his boyfriend a cup of water.

The cup was plastic. The water tasted funny. Some tiles of the long hallway were cracked. Some doors were open but most of them were closed and others knocked closed and open from the window wind. It was uncomfortable and haunting and artificial even though it was the place of death and, inversely, the place of birth.

Jinyoung was conceived the old-fashion way - in his house on the couch that was still in their living room to that day. The first time Jinyoung was in a hospital, it was when Mark’s grandmother got admitted to it.

"What happened?" Mark weakly asked after a couple of hours, as if he had just realized the bags Jinyoung had around his feet while he was holding in his face in his hands, eyebags pronounced and looking so tired, Jinyoung barely recognized him.

They were the only people in that hospital hallway which seemed way too big and long at that moment - far away from their comfortable little town with a river and local grocery stores.

Jinyoung sighed, answered, "Got kicked out."

"Oh."

With that, they lived like it was a rotation. They stood up, Mark got updates on his grandmothers condition, and then they signed out of the hospital together. When they reached their town by taxi, Mark shut the fruitshop which was left open with all the commotion - lights off and doors locked.

After that, they walked up to the apartment, Jinyoung placed his bags in his boyfriends room, and with the eery silence of the night creeping over the both of them, it was the sound of each others heartbeat which eventually led them into somehow falling asleep with their limbs wrapped around one another.

All of this without exchanging a single word throughout the night.

 

-

 

The next morning was more of the same, except that Jinyoung woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon and the radio was on, pop music everyone knew the lyrics to playing in the kitchen.

It took Jinyoung a few seconds to realize where he was and what situation he was in - which means, he was in Mark’s apartment, his sweatpants and oversized trasher shirt on, in his boyfriends bed, in the middle of cold winter but not cold enough to put socks on, having just got kicked out of the house he grew up.

Having realized this, he quietly walked towards the kitchen and silently watched his boyfriend put food on their plates, his back flexing and his arms looking strong and manly in the distance, Jinyoung couldn’t help but admire him from afar.

"Thank you, Mark."

His words were sincere and Mark nodded because he knew that they were, they ate on the table instead of in front of the television, and even though Mark was not looking at Jinyoung, Jinyoung was definitely looking at Mark. Watched how he picked up the fork and put it in his mouth, how the bacon would fall from between his lips down on the plate and Mark did not even notice, distracted by his phone.

Jinyoung suddenly felt like they reversed back to the time when they were strangers and Mark made off hand comments about the way Mark was looking at Jaebum.

Funnily enough, it was the same way he was looking at Mark at that exact moment.

"Move in with me." Mark said with half his food still on his plate.

Jinyoung sat still with a mouthful of eggs and bacon, looking at Mark with big, cartoon eyes and temporarily thrown off by his word. He swallowed, considered it - figured that even if he didn’t want to, he did not have that much of a choice. Realized that they were going out, and perhaps their little bubble of sadness would be more bearable if shared it with each other.

So Jinyoung nodded, swallowed down his food just like he swallowed down his words, and softly told Mark that he broke his phone the night before when Mark asked him where it was - Jinyoung felt like did not have to tell him that he broke it after calling Jaebum a million times, because, somehow, Jinyoung felt like he knew the truth anyway.

Jaebum. The name suddenly sounded distant and foreign to him.

"I’ll buy you a new one." Mark said.

"You don’t have to do tha-"

"It’s fine. You can pay me back later, if that’s what you want."

With that, the bubble around their necks tightened even more than before. They finished their food and Mark washed the dishes. After that, Mark did not kiss or touch Jinyoung for the rest of the day and night which they spent sitting around the house as the cold, dark clouds seeped over the November town and the television became the only source of sound in the apartment.

The day after that, everything changed.

 

-

 

Mark did buy Jinyoung a new phone like he had told him he would. When Mark told him he was going to the supermarket for food and came back with a small, black box, Jinyoung kissed his cheek in gratitude and they made a big breakfast with delicious pancakes and different jams of different fruits that Jinyoung did not know the name of.

Instead of the TV being on for the sake of sound like the day before, the radio blasted through the house and Jinyoung danced happily, grabbing Mark’s hands to dance with him, and he did, they danced to Beyoncé and then they danced to Anderson.Paak, an artist Jinyoung did not know but decided he liked from that day onwards.

In the early evening, a nurse called Mark to tell him his grandmothers condition stabilized, but still needed a lot of tests to see the underlying cause as hospital protocol. This made Mark smile brighter than ever before, and after the call, they drank beer on the couch and lit up candles on the table while ignoring every single call they got from outside of their bubble.

Jackson called, Yugyeom called, and, funnily enough, seemingly everyone was concerned for them except for Jaebum. Tempted to turn their phones off completely, Mark picked up on the nineteenth call they got.

They spoke for twenty minutes, until Mark passed the phone to Jinyoung telling him that Jackson had something to say.

"Are you alright?" Was his question.

Jinyoung thought about it and, ironically considering his situation, he said "Yes, I’m doing fine" and for the first time in a long time, he meant it.

Which was when they hung up, and after a can of beer for Jinyoung and five more for Mark, Mark kissed Jinyoung with first time hunger. He pulled him down to the couch and bit his lip, put his hands up his shirt and nuzzled his neck.

"I love you." Mark’s words slurred. Jinyoung barely noticed the cans of beer on the floor, so he played with Mark’s hair, twisting them in his fingers as his boyfriends head was resting on his chest, able to listen to the rhythm of his heartbeat. Pum pu pum pu pum.

Just like that, they fell asleep on the couch. A little bit in love, a little bit confused and insecure. They were each others safe haven, their bubble of sadness that they shared together. In some masochist way, it felt good.

 

-

 

Jinyoung woke up past noon the next day hugging air and realizing the cold and emptiness he was sleeping with, he snapped awake immediately. Somehow, he ended up on the bed and not on the couch he fell asleep in and without the person he fell asleep with.

"Mark?" Jinyoung said, his voice echoing through the room. The door was wide open. "Are you there?"

Apparently he wasn’t, so Jinyoung stood up and his bare feet were met with the cold tiles of the floor. He creeped towards the living room which somehow was completely clean, not a trace of the night before found. The plates were cleaned up and the cups were put in the cupboard like they were supposed to.

This was suspicious to JInyoung, and not once thinking that it might have been a good idea to put on his socks while discovering the state of the rest of the apartment, he instinctively tried to open the door. Pushing the handle down, then pushing it harder. The door was locked.

He realized the keys were gone and after bumping into the door in desperate attempt to open it, he was scared and tried his best to remember if there were any replacement keys hidden in the apartment.

Mark hadn’t told him anything about replacement keys. Mark had locked him inside his own apartment and if Jinyoung wanted to get out, he would have to jump headfirst out of the window. With panic seeping in, he ran to the bedroom to check on his phone.

His phone was gone, too.

Panic almost overtook him. Then the door unlocked, and a happy humming Mark walked in, singing along to a tune Jinyoung wondered if it even belonged to a song.

Mark’s joyful expression turned into a sour one when he looked at his boyfriend, Jinyoung who was clutching his bedsheets and Jinyoung who was panting harder than ever before. Mark raised his eyebrows, Jinyoung shook his head.

"What’s wrong?" Mark asked.

Then Jinyoung said, "Why did you lock me in?"

Mark laughed. As if the mere suggestion of it was ridiculous, which in turn, made Jinyoung feel ridiculous too.

"I went to the supermarket and you were sleeping. Sue me for trying to be safe."

Jinyoung bit his lip. He wanted to, but he did not have the power to fully analyze Mark - standing up and physically looking down on him at that moment - to decide whether or not he was speaking the truth.

"Do you know where my phone is?" Jinyoung then asked, still apprehensive.

Mark patted himself on the head as if he just realized something. "Oh!" He said, smiling again and putting his hand in his pocket. "Since we have the same model I mistook our phones because mine was in my jacket," He threw it on the bed. "Sorry baby, did you need it?"

Jinyoung did not miss the hint of suspicion in his voice. It made him sad, truly, how different he felt to the night before.

So Jinyoung sighed, shook his head, smiled.

"No, I didn’t."

And that was that. Mark asked him to clean up the groceries for him so he could clean up the fruitshop downstairs so the fruits wouldn’t rot. When he looked in the bag, there was bread, bacon, butter, two bottles of vodka and a lot of beer. Jinyoung did not think too much of it.

 

-

 

Jackson greeted Jaebum with a punch to the jaw which made him tumble on the carpet of his own room, seconds after Leslie shut the door behind them.

"What the fu-"

"Shut it."

Jackson did not let Jaebum finish his sentence. Leslie knew for a fact that Jaebum’s parents were hearing the entire discourse from downstairs, but something in her gut told her that they were not worried or surprised that it was happening. More like they were expecting it.

Jaebum looked like hadn’t slept in days, the room looked slept in for days.

"How long haven’t you been outside?" Jackson demanded to know, looking down at Jaebum.

Jaebum sighed. He hadn’t been outside since Krystal got a girlfriend, who she was spending all her time with. He was cooped inside his room ever since, his phone off and thinking things through to the big dissapointment of his mother who had to open the window every day or he would sleep in for who knew how long and merge with his bedsheets, or something.

"A few days." Jaebum said. Realizing resisting wasn’t going to get him anywhere and knowing his parents would not rescue him out of a situation like this, he figured that speaking the truth might do him better than worse.

"Do you where Jinyoung has been?"

Jaebum’s attention shot up, he looked in Jackson’s eyes, mouth a little open, wondering where Jinyoung had been, wondering where Jackson was going with this. Not talking to him was both harder and not as hard he thought it was going to be. He assumed all that was left of the coke he had helped with that.

"He’s living with Mark," Jackson said, almost proud of the way those words contorted Jaebums face in a million expressions in a couple of seconds. "And you’re a fucking terrible bestfriend."

"How the hell is it my fault that he’s with that asshole?"

Leslie spoke up, walking to where Jackson was. "Jinyoung doesn’t want to be with Mark - he had no choice!"

"I told him to break up with him," Jaebum said. "And he didn’t. What do you want me to do about it?"

With that, Jaebum stood up, his head hurting more than it had ever hurt before and put his hand between his matresses to hold up another small sticker, zipping it open before Jackson raised his voice again.

"Is that how Jaebum deals with this problems nowadays?"

Jaebum sighed. If he pretended that Leslie and Jackson weren’t there, then perhaps they would actually disappear and leave him alone.

"This is so disappointing, Jaebum."

And just like that, it was gone and in Jaebums system. Leslie wondered how much he had taken since they last saw him, wondered if he was drinking enough water. He wondered if his parents knew, realized that they probably did.

"I hope that stuff knocks you out and kills you." Jackson continued.

Jaebum was already rolled back in his bed, under the covers, grunting and telling them to mind their own business.

"I thought you were better than all of this."

"Tell that to Jinyoung." Jaebum was lying. His head had been spinning since Jackson told him Jinyoung lived with Mark. He knew there was reason to it, he knew he had to do something, he knew he had to get out of his bed. He knew it.

"I’m sorry, Jackson, Leslie - I’ll stop."

But Jackson and Leslie were already gone, and although the blinds were down there was an unmistakable darkness of night. Jaebum had fallen asleep for hours, it felt like less than a second. When his mother appeared next to him telling him that they needed to talk, Jaebum knew that his time of acting childish was done for.

 

-

 

The call was the final pitfall. It came while the couple were putting cheese on their pizza, it came while the radio channel announced that their annoying ads were going to be played. It came and the call barely lasted five minutes, and it came when Jinyoung asked him who it was.

"Her condition fell again."

Jinyoung did not have it in him to say anything else that evening, but when Mark held him down to fuck him good, Jinyoung told him that he was hurting him, the handprints around his wrists could testify to that. And even though Jinyoung trusted Mark did not sleep around too much before them, he made it clear that he still wanted to use protection to be safe.

However, between the cries and the begs and the grunts and the mewls, Mark came inside him and kissed him hard before passing out, taste of liquor on his tongue, and Jinyoung wondered when he got the chance to drink alcohol that night.

 

-

 

Mark had locked him in again and Jinyoung realized that maybe he should be getting used to it. This time, however, the phone was left where it was and Jinyoung genuinely wanted to believe Mark when he told him he took it by mistake. So, funnily enough, someone called him that same morning.

Jinyoung was cleaning all that already clean around the apartment feeling jaded and after scrubbing his entire body as hard as he could after the night before when his ringtone rang through when he picked it up. He wondered, briefly, if it was Jaebum. It wasn’t.

"Hey little brother." Said the voice instead, Jinyoung sighed.

"Hello? Anybody there?"

Jinyoung re-collected his thoughts and covered his dissappointment. "Y-yeah, I’m here."

The other line went silent, and then exploded in abrupt laughter. "Thank God, you’re alive."

"I guess I am. Did mom tell you?"

"That you’ve been kicked out? Nope," He said. Jinyoung felt a pang in his chest. "I kind of guessed because she wouldn’t answer when I asked about you. I got here yesterday late at night - so where are you? Jaebum’s place?"

And there was another shot to his heart. Jinyoung sighed out and considered telling him the truth, he didn’t have much more to lose, anyway.

"At my boyfriend’s apartment."

The line went silent for a second time. Jinyoung wondered if he was going to hang up on him but felt bad when he realized he thought so low of his older brother, older brother who had to do what he had to do, older brother he didn’t understand his reasons for leaving him and his mother alone just like their father did.

He sighed. "Boyfriend, huh?"

Jinyoung smiled in relief. "Yeah. Things happened."

"Is that why you’re kicked out?"

"Part of it."

The door opened at that moment, Mark looking at Jinyoung sitting on the floor in front of the door and kind of amused with the different positions he found his boyfriend in every morning. Jinyoung, however, felt a wave of anxiety with his boyfriend, he stuttered.

"Who is it?" Mark mouthed. Checking on him, closing the door and shimmering closer with the intention of being playful.

Jinyoung shook his head.

"Listen - come to Seoul with me after you graduate. I can help you with getting settled - we can meet up tomorrow and talk about this in person yeah?."

At this point Mark was close enough to hear the other line, and Jinyoung got more and more nervous with it when he showed no signs of anger.

"I have to go, Shinye."

"Jinyoung - are you alright?" Mark was already grabbing the phone, barely stopped by Jinyoung’s strenght of his legs blocking him from reaching it. "You’re worrying me now, can we meet up?"

"For fuck’s sake Jinyoung give that to me." Mark demanded, realizing what he said when it was too late, he quickly shut his mouth, sat straight against the wall, watched Jinyoung.

"Who was that? Is that your boyfriend? Jinyoung?"

"Don’t worry, I’m doing good. I have to go, sorry."

Which was when Mark successfully grabbed the phone out of his hands and stood up on his two feet, looking through it. “You’ve been talking for ten minutes,” Mark said. “Who was that? Hm?”

“My brother, calm down.”

Jinyoung said it so dismissively that he almost believed that he was calm and collected, when he was standing up and Mark frowned at him. When Jinyoung thought he was going to hit him, Mark just licked his teeth and watched him put the bags in the kitchen like he always did..

“Don’t get brave with me, baby, no one is watching you now.”

The words were so harsh Jinyoung was ready to cry in front of his supposed boyfriend right there and then, but when he turned around Mark was already putting the milk in the fridge and his phone was neatly put on the table. Jinyoung wondered if he imagined it. He was imagining it. He was going crazy.

 

-

 

Mark was drinking too much and that night he overexceeded himself with almost half a bottle of Blue Label whiskey in his system and kissing Jinyoung who felt just as intoxicated by the taste of it on his boyfriends sweet lips.

"I’m sorry," Mark apologized again and again. It wasn’t the first time where he seriously meant what he said. "I’m so scared."

Jinyoung was too, so he brushed his boyfriends hair with his fingers, his head on his lap while Mark desperate clutched his arms around him, his beautiful in view and his troubled expression slowly melting into one which was as peace, more childlike, more like the Mark he met all that time ago.

“Of what?” Jinyoung wondered softly, feeling so bad for the other.

“Of being,” He whispered, hands clutching in Jinyoung’s oversized shirt which he had wet with his tears and snot. “And being without.”

Jinyoung understood, and with that, Mark fell asleep like a little baby on his lap, Jinyoung too motherly too move and risk waking him up despite it being the better option for him and his spine.

Jinyoung was scared too,

of being and being without.

 

-

 

 

Two weeks passed just like that - the phone calls of their friends slowly becoming less and them leaving the house for nothing but doing groceries. Of course, money was starting to run out as well, and to Mark’s big shock, they had to cave into both of their savings to pay rent. School was starting the week after that and neither had talked about it.

Nothing changed. Mark and Jinyoung would show affection, Mark would keep locking in Jinyoung in the morning, Jinyoung continued to be scared of Mark. He had seen his brother once, while Mark was gone to visit his grandmother - their mother was taking sleeping pills, apparently and soon, Jinyoung started to be the only one going out, because Mark was usually too hungover to function properly.

It got so draining that Jinyoung almost forgot about Jaebum completely.

On the third day of the third week, school starting and neither attending like they should have, it was the first time Mark hit Jinyoung.

“Jinyoung, isn’t there any whiskey left?” Mark had asked, hair sticking everywhere, eyebags more pronounced than ever.

“We have no money for it, darling,” Jinyoung calmly stated, kissing his boyfriend a good morning. “Plus we’ve done nothing but drink lately, we should stop and think about us, maybe go on a date.”

Mark looked at him like he had horns growing out of his scalp.

“I asked you something.”

“And I said, we have no money for i-”

Which was how it happened - smacked agains the kitchen wall right next to their calendar, Mark’s hands bruising Jinyoung’s shoulders with a strenght that he did not know Mark had in his little body up till then.

“You mean my money, right?” Mark said. “It’s impossible we ran out of it. What shit have you been buying behind my back? planning on leaving? Is it Jaebum?"

The mention of Jaebum was so out of place in the moment, yet Jinyoug felt like Mark said those words with a whole other context in mind - like he was waiting for an opportunity to say it, like he knew Jaebum was a touchy matter that he could not step on because it was the one thing Jinyoung wouldn’t tolerate of him.

Jinyoung gasped with the pain, panic in his veins and hitchy, quick breaths making it seem like he was on the edge of a panic attack. Mark was not fazed.

"I’m sorry." He said, slouching down on the floor, his arms across his chest and looking up this boyfriend.

Mark seemed to consider it for a second, his lips twisting into a smile, and he considered going down to comfort Jinyoung or staying up and tell him what he wanted him to do. He decided to go with the latter.

"In that case, do as I say, yeah?"

"The shops are closed now." Jinyoung whispered, and Mark sighed in exasperation.

"Tomorrow first thing, got it?" Jinyoung nodded. "I ask you for one thing and this is what I get, have a bit of compassion," With that said he grabbed half an empty can of beer from the counter, lightly kicked Jinyoungs feet and told him to stand up. "Don’t act like a baby now - what, you wanna act the victim? aren’t you good at that?" And so, he threw his phone on the floor.

When Jinyoung zoned back, Mark was long out of the kitchen and in front of the TV, Jinyoung’s pants loud in his ears and seeing the yellow lights and kitchen counter. He decided it wasn’t right at all. He wasn’t sure what it exactly was, but it was there. And, just like that, the buzz of his phone rang against the surface.

Number,

_Im Jaebum._

 

-

 

Jinyoung understood why Mark mentioned Jaebum, he had called him many times that day without him noticing, and Mark automatically assumed that he was planning on running away with him using Mark’s money. He almost felt bad, and a second away from picking up the phone, it glitched and answered the call.

Jinyoung ran towards the bathroom and shut the door closed, sitting in the bathtub and speaking in a hushed tone in case Mark could hear him.

_"Um, Jinyoungie?"_

Jinyoungie almost broke down and cried at the sound of Jaebum’s voice, which was a lot more warm like it was before they met Jackson, Mark, Krystal and the rest of the gang - Jinyoung covered his mouth.

"Oh my god, Jaebum," He whispered. "Where are you?"

Jinyoung only understood half the things he said, but got the gist of it - Jaebum was going to come for him after fixing some issues, and begged Jinyoung stay safe for one more week and not mention anything to Mark. He said that he knew what happened, and that he was sorry, again and again.

_"I’ll make it up to you for the rest of my life, I promise, Jinyoungie."_

And just when Mark knocked on the door, Jinyoung whispered a quick "I love you" which got no response because he finished the call, his heart beating fast with a hope that he had not felt in a very long time. He wondered if he was dreaming, maybe, if he was going crazy enough to imagine Jaebum calling him after months of silence.

So when Jinyoung opened the door of the bathroom, feeling stronger than before, he looked Mark straight in the eyes, and it hit him right then. Jinyoung had Jaebum, but who did Mark have for him? He only had Jinyoung, after all.

Before Jinyoung could say anything, Mark pushed him away and threw up in the bathroom instead, sobs between everything else and asking Jinyoung to please give him some water.

Suddenly, Jinyoung felt pity for the boy who’s handprints were on his body from mere minutes before that and who he shed more tears for than he had cried for anyone else in his entire life.

That night, Mark fucked him raw again, bent over the desk and scratches from his neck down to his back, hard.

"Let’s get out of here, Jinyoungie," He said, panting in Jinyoung’s ear, kissing his neck. "You and I, somewhere far away and start over."

"Alright," Jinyoung answered, tummy full and body sweaty and worn out. "Alright, darling."

 

-

 

Lives are highs and lows and nothing is black and white. When Mark had a very obvious alcohol problem mixed with deep rooted issues that were much deeper than Jinyoung could ever imagine them being, it was no surprise when the next day, Mark was scrolling on his phone, two big bags next to him, smiling brightly at Jinyoung when he woke up.

"Where do you want to go?" Mark asked his boyfriend, poiting at the tea he made for him that morning. Jinyoung sat down to drink it.

And really, Jinyoung wondered if he could live his entire life like that. Mark’s highs were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, even more beautiful than Jaebum was, but the price of his lows were taxing, mentally and physically. He wondered if he was weak for even thinking about letting him go in the moment he most needed him.

With that train of thoughts, Jinyoung shuffled in his seat.

"Um, I wanna go to the mountains."

Mark smiled fondly at him and nodded. "Alright, it’s gonna be a long ride. We’ll take a couple of buses and stay there for a few nights, okay?"

Jinyoung did not question where they suddenly thought they were going to get the money from, but he nodded anyway. Deep inside, he thought that maybe Mark knew that Jaebum and Jinyoung had talked, and this was his last desperate attempt to keep Jinyoung to him.

Even so, when Mark told him he loved him, Jinyoung told him that he loved him too. The worst part of it all was that it wasn’t exactly a lie, either.

 

-

 

It happened so fast, Jinyoung barely had the time to catch his breath.

They were on the road for two days, from bus to bus and sleeping in train stations to save the money which they assumed was infinite for them. They fell asleep on each others shoulders, counting pennies and only then realizing that doing things on impulse was not the brightest idea.

It’s a metaphor for their relationship, perhaps. With highs and lows, Mark grew irritated and spent too much money on the cheapest beer there was to soothe his emotions. Jinyoungs phone rang again and again, but he didn’t even hear it when he tried to tell Mark to drop the beer and maybe, perhaps, return to their town because what they were doing was crazy talk.

"No, we’re gonna get there, Jinyoungie, I promise."

That was the first time Jinyoung broke down in tears in front of Mark.

 

-

 

They were with each other because they needed one another. Four days passed and Jinyoung did not know where they were but in a cafeteria, both of them looking rough and tired, drinking the cheapest coffee they could find.

"When we get there, we can blow the money we have left, you know? It’s just a couple of hours away." Mark said optimistically, blowing his coffee and smiling at Jinyoung.

He wasn’t really talking, though, Jinyoung knew that.

"We can find a cool cheap apartment up there, start clean and all." Mark continued, wiggling with his legs and laughing as if he said something really funny. Which was when it happened, out of nowhere, not at all violent, just very sad.

"Hey, Jinyoung, am I acting crazy? Aren’t we messed up?"

It took Jinyoung by surprise, so he looked at him, eyes big like glass plates and stuttered when he asked him what he meant by that.

"All of this," He painted circles the air. "Is messed up. I need help, don’t I? I have been treating you bad, haven’t I?"

Jinyoung gulped, warmed his hands with the coffee in his palms. "You need help, Mark."

"And it’s unfair to assume that you can give me that help, right?" Mark smiled to himself, not expecting an answer. "You’ve treated me good, Jinyoung. Jaebum is a lucky one. I’ve just been lying to myself, but I know, Jinyoung, I know."

Jinyoung thought this was too good to be true, and it was, because when he opened his mouth to answer and tell Mark that he truly, deeply cared for him, Mark jumped up and grabbed Jinyoung’s shirt, forcing him close to him, dropping the coffee in his hand on himself and burning his skin.

Mark gave him a kiss and then gave him another one, when they got kicked of the cafeteria, they made out for long minutes before Mark lightly slapped Jinyoung, as if he was slapping him awake instead of having the intention of hurting him.

But it hurt him, it hurt him so much that he realized that he had to be there for himself before he could be there for Mark. So he stood his ground, looked at Mark, and told him,

"We can’t go on like this, Mark."

"I don’t know what I’ll do without you," Mark said, and Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut, told him he’s sorry. "I really don’t."

Which was when two police men walked up to them, grabbed them both by the arms and asked them for identification. Upon hearing their age, they got shoved into the police car, and even though Mark kicked and yelled for them to let them go, the policeman laughed.

"Don’t worry kiddos, it’s just protocol. Everything will be alright soon enough."

When they reached the police station and allowed to take in calls, soon enough arrived with a buzz and a ringtone. Jaebum calling him and Jinyoung picked up, asking him where he was, telling him he needed him there with him, Mark still looking at the floor as if months and months of pain were just sinking into him, Jinyoung forced himself to look away.

"Look behind you, Jinyoungie." Said Jaebum.

Then, he hung up the phone.

 

* * *

 

**AN I feel like I have to clear some things up lol. It is never my intention to romanticize abusive relationships. The reason this and Theory of You take so long to update is because I worry a lot about how people are going to receive this and I worry about how I get my point across. Thing is, when it comes to fanfiction, I feel like my hands are tied in moral obligation of keeping things cool, and with this chapter especially, I feel like I cross on overstepping that line. It’s definitely a me thing. Even so, again, fanfiction or not I always try to write the gray and not point something as black and white. Clearly the markjin was not healthy, but discovering the realistic aspects of an abusive relationship is I think, much more productive than painting x and x out as the bad guys. So again, these take long because I genuinely think that people are going to think this is romantic, which is not my intention at all.**

**That said sorry for the super long authors note lmao also the angst is over and the fluff can begin and sike,,, this ending was super half assed but I truly feel tired of the angst of this fic. I swear im not going to write about problematic issues in fanfics ever again. This and Theory of You killed me lmao**

**Thank you for reading !!!! tell me what you think !!**


	7. Chapter Seven.

_"He was in love, so, so in love with Jinyoung."_

-

 

Jinyoung could barely register what was happening when Jaebum kneeled down in front of him and put both of his hands into his own warm palms which had a distinct warmth that only Jaebum had, and lightly kissed them like he needed to make sure that it was Park Jinyoung he was touching and not anybody else in the world.

"My parents are here," Jaebum said - rubbing Jinyoung’s hands which had gotten callused from dishwash soap and his fingernails dirty from lack of self-care. "You’re coming with us." He declared.

Jinyoung was supposed to say something like _'yes, okay I'll come with you'_ \- or something equally put together before he choked up with air in his throat which felt physical and made his voice tremble and his answer squeaky and vulnerable which was almost as weak as Mark was feeling sitting next to them,

With his eyes fixed on the cracked, dirty tiles of the floor,

Knowing that nobody was rushing on their way to pick him up like they rushed to pick up Jinyoung.

He held his own hands quickly, for support, suddenly hyperaware of what his skin and the hair on his forearms felt like but funnily enough not feeling enough to let himself cry in front of the police officer who, by that point, looked bored and unimpressed. Like he had seen scenes like that and people like then a hundred times before- like it didn’t faze him anymore, like Mark couldn’t even be special in his fuck-ups.

He felt so hyperaware of every sound and movement around him, he was a second away fron loosing his mind if he didn’t grip his hands harder. So he did, his nails digging in his skin and he held his breath and couted backwards to get himself together.

Jaebum stood up when he picked up the bag and swung it around his shoulder, holding Jinyoung’s hand and nudging towards the door. Jinyoung stood up, his knees shaking and his hands trembling enough for Jaebum to notice but not enough for himself to do the same.

The police officer nodded at them in understanding, there was maybe a bit of sympathy and compassion in his eyes when Jinyoung and Mark wrote down their information to call whoever was responsible for them. Jinyoung knew this, but somewhere between remembering how broad Jaebum’s shoulders were and remembering the first time they had held hands like they were doing at that moment, he snatched his hand away.

Jaebum turned around, worried.

"Go out," Jinyoung said, "I’ll be right back." Jinyoung continued hastily, and Jaebum nodded - as if he knew that whatever Jinyoung was about to do was important to him, even if it wasn't important to anybody else.

He ran back to the room where Mark was still sat in the chair looking at the corner of the floor which had more dust collected on it than the rest of the dark room had, and before he could sense that Jinyoung was there and prepare for whatever impact was about to befall him, Jinyoung hugged him from behind and covered his eyes with one hand, letting the other brush his dirty hair, and Mark could not see anything.

Oddly enough, it was comforting. Mark felt his racing heart calm down with Jinyoung's touch, and his sped up breaths fell into a normal rhytm again.

He wasn’t exactly sure why he did what he had done, but he had a feeling that it had something to do with the fact that Mark was going to be left by himself if Jinyoung had shut the door and hadn’t looked back. So Jinyoung felt Mark’s warmth (which was not any colder, but still different to Jaebum’s) and whispered so the scandalized police officer couldn’t hear him.

"It’s gonna be alright."

And just like that, with a kiss on his head and feeling the skin he had become familiar with one last time, Jinyoung left the room like the wind that was slamming the window against its frame and like the door that it shut behind him. Like it didn’t want Jinyoung to see or hear Mark’s tearless sniffles. Like it didn’t want Jinyoung to look back at everything that Mark represented. Not anymore.

So he held Jaebum’s hand again like the wind had pushed him there - everything after that felt surreal and like they were following a narrative, like the lines were already written and no amount of kicking or yelling was going to change the outcome. Jaebum’s parents felt fake when his mother hugged him with more love than he was used to, the scent of baked cookies of their front seat snackcase felt like it belonged somewhere else, and when he watched the evening transcend into the night sky it felt like everything that had happened for the past two months was a short dream. Or a nightmare. Or, inevitably, just a distant memory that had nothing to do with him.

Feeling all of this but not thinking about it once, Jaebum and Jinyoung fell asleep in the backseat of the car with their fingers interlaced and Jaebum's head resting on Jinyoung's shoulder. They were tired, and for the first time in a long time - safe and comfortable.

If Jaebum's parents noticed this (hands locked and Jaebum properly falling asleep for the first time in a long time _because_ of Jinyoung, _with_ Jinyoung, _on_ Jinyoung) well, they weren't going to mention it.

"They'll be alright now." Jaebum's father stated.

His mother agreed.

 

-

 

It took Jinyoung exactly one second to spit out the piece of pancake he had put in his mouth and it took Jaebum exactly two more seconds to shriek about his ruined bedsheets.

"Jaebum!" Jinyoung screeched. "You added _salt_ , not sugar!"

Jaebum refused to believe him until he took another bite, and Jinyoung had tricked him into taking one himself - which Jaebum gulped down with one part pride and another part of cleanisness and not wanting to mess up his bedsheets even more, until he gave in.

"Sorry," Jaebum apologized. " I really wanted to fix something up for you - how have you been eating? dad is at the supermarket right now."

"I’ve been eating _fine_." Jinyoung protested, rolling back in Jaebum’s bed not because he was too tired to face the day but mostly because he loved how soft the double sheets felt under his socks and how much bigger his bed felt compared to the ones he had slept in before. Of course, he knew all of this from the literal hundreds of nights he had been there - but he never got the opportunity to truly appreciate something so mundane like stuffed bedsheets and double pillows until then.

"Just let me sleep a little longer, you salt monster." Jinyoung yawned, nuzzling his head in the bed and pulling the covers so high only a bit of his hair was visible.

Jaebum thought that this was the most adorable thing he had ever seen in his entire life, but Jaebum also remembered that it wasn’t just another day like any other - so he strategically avoided jumping on the big lump of Jinyoung to wake him up like he normally would and, instead, gently sat on top of the covers, counting the rhytm of Jinyoung’s breaths instead.

(Jaebum briefly remembers the first time Jinyoung didn't want to wake up and Jaebum jumped on him to force him out of bed - it ended up with him Jaebum getting kicked on the floor and Jinyoung sleeping in until noon)

"Why are you staring at me?" Jinyoung asked from underneath the sheets. "Come under the covers - don’t be weird."

Jaebum shouldn’t have expected anything less, so he gave in and slowly slipped under the covers, feeling Jinyoung’s covered feet and Jaebum remembers the first time he saw Jinyoung sleeping in socks and thought it was very weird that someone could sleep like that.

"Did you leave anything at his house?" Jaebum asked, his breaths hitting Jinyoung’s nape and it wasn’t his intention to walk back into reality yet, but he couldn’t pretend.

Jinyoung shuffled uncomfortably, like he wanted to avoid the subject just as much as Jaebum wanted to. Then, after what felt like five whole minutes, he stopped moving.

"My clothes, toothbrush, some other stuff."

"I’ll go get them when I can," Jaebum said, and felt like Jinyoung was getting sad again so he hugged him, throwing his arm over his tummy and his leg around his hips. "You’re staying with us. We’ll figure things out - you can tell me everything when you’re ready for it."

Jaebum meant what he said, but truthfully it was eating him up inside to not know anything of what Jinyoung was doing for the past two months - whether they were all bad moments or if there were a bunch of good moments that were worth all of the pain. Jaebum wondered if Jinyoung actually fell in love with Mark overtime, and felt more sad about leaving him than about all the painful things that happened to him. Jaebum hated this thought the most.

He hoped that Jinyoung detested Mark and hated every moment that he spent next to the other boy. At least that way a parting goodbye would have been easy and simple - just a spit on the concrete and a see you never.

Jaebum’s intution told him that it wasn’t nearly as simple as that - but Jaebum wasn’t a very smart boy, so he didn’t think about it for long. Which was, coincidentally, the moment when Jinyoung turned around and took in the scent of Jaebum’s baseball shirt.

He had worn it for a couple of days now and frankly, it was embarrassing to have Jinyoung’s face low enough to reach his chest and be so close to him, clawing at his shirt and his warm breaths hitting his chest, warming it up.

"I asked you if you are going to school, Jaebummie." Jinyoung said, loving the scent of Jaebum’s shirt and wishing he could stay wrapped in bed for the rest of his life, just like that.

"Oh? Sorry, I didn’t hear you," Jaebum stuttered awkwardly, petting Jinyoung’s hair in his nervousness and realizing that it got him even more flustered than before. Counterproductive. "I went last week for the first time this semester - we’ll get through it, I’ll stay with you, Jinyoungie."

Jinyoung nodded, and then, he wiped his tears off his cheek before Jaebum noticed that he had been crying. If Jinyoung wiped the snot off his nose and cried a little bit more in his crumpled up shirt, Jaebum wasn’t going to tell him to stop.

He didn’t tell him anything at all, instead he brushed his hair with his fingertips and rubbed his own cold feet on Jinyoung’s warm ones.

That was the first time when Jinyoung cried on Jaebum’s chest, and also the first time where Jaebum considered wearing socks to bed.

 

-

 

The town was busttling with festivity so the schools were closed for the rest of the week and Jinyoung slowly but steadily fell into the process of acceptance. It was never understanding and Jinyoung didn’t think that he was ever going to understand why his mother had kicked him out. Sure, he knew why she kicked him out, but he never knew why a mother could kick their kid out. He understood the reason but didn’t understand the conviction of him, just like he didn’t think he was ever going to understand, much less accept, Mark’s situation and everything that it had led to concerning the both of them. It takes two to tango, and it they became so interwined, so of the same, that ripping one out of the equation would cancel it entirely. He did his best to understand, but his chest hurt at the mere thought of it and he figured that some things are harder to accept than others.

The first time Jinyoung decided to talk about it, it was on the fourth morning of them waking up together, a day after Jaebum’s parents had a long, neverending discussion of how Jinyoung was going to stay with them till they graduated - only if the both of them did their uptmost bests to graduate on time, because to Jaebum’s parents, success is relative when you do your best.

It happened over eggs with brown bread and a glass of milk and orange juice on the side. It happened with warm sunlight seeping into the large window of their kitchen which looked yellow, and Jaebum’s skin soaked it all up - they were eating in relative silence with the news station on in the living room which nobody was watching or listening to. It was pointless, really.

"We did it without protection," Jinyoung said out of nowhere. "And he came inside me. I need to go to the clinic - just to make sure."

And then he bit into his bread nonchalantly, like he hadn’t just confessed that Mark might have gotten him sick. Jaebum gulped down his food which felt twice its actual size when he opened his mouth to say something. Which was when Jinyoung had answered him before he could even ask.

"No - I didn’t want it. He was angry at me so I let him."

Anger had no place in Jaebum’s heart at that moment - it was too early to accept that he had let any of it happen in the first place. It was more like helplessness and overwhelming sadness than it was anything else.

So instead he opted to ask, "Why was he angry at you?"

And Jinyoung answered, sincerely. "I don't remember." He said, and he didn't - because his memories were scrambled like the eggs he was eating and every moment fused into each other in his mind, he couldn’t tell the days or night apart at all. "I think it was because my brother called, I'm not sure."

 

That was the first time where Jaebum felt defeated. Not the soccer games in the fourth grade or when he got his ass kicked four using drugs - but at that exact moment. With the sun as a witness, with bread and eggs in his mouth, with the orange juice being delicious, but suddenly tasting very sour when he tried to wash the bad taste away.

-

 

On the fifth day, which was the second day of their one week holiday and three days before the festival at the riverside with a sky full of fireworks and stands full of food, it was the first time that Jaebum’s parents were out of town for the day and coincidentally, the first time they strolled outside for more than just the supermarket.

They walked by the riverside, and barely noticed that their fingers were weakly interwined supported by not much more than their pinkies. Jaebum wore the first flannel he could find while Jinyoung opted for a bigger sweater, all of his clothes already in the wash.

"My parents were really dissappointed when they found the drugs, you know? but they didn’t say anything about it - it was Jackson and Leslie who kicked my door down and told me to get it together. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again - you know. I don’t think I was ever addicted, I was just bored."

Jinyoung smiled at this, loving the sound of Jaebum rattling and mumbling on about things that were definitely important, but at the moment felt like the lightest subject on the planet, so he giggled at all the times he said you know, and nodded when he had to.

"Hey - let’s sit down." Jaebum suddenly said, and pointed down on the moist grass which was wet from the rain and Jinyoung frowned at him like he had just asked him to sit on a pit of fire and be happy with the suggestion.

"It’s _wet_."

"I wanna put my feet in the water." Jaebum argued.

Jinyoung didn’t get it. "That’s wet too."

"No shit, genius."

And so, while laughing hard and trying to grab Jinyoung’s hands with the intention of sitting the both of them down on the grass, Jaebum stumbled forward and fell into the river, Jinyoung just barely letting him go before he could pull him in too.

It was the second time in six months where Jaebum had fallen into the riverbed. However, it was the first time when Jinyoung’s carefree laughter made something inside of him churn upside down in the nicest way possible and he briefly wondered if he was going to die on the spot, because he had never felt that way before.

"How’s that for putting your feet in the water?" Jinyoung yelled, holding his stomach from all the laughing he was doing, before Jaebum climbed out and hugged Jinyoung in all his drenching wetness, his hair wetting his face and his clothes.

His skin was cold, his clothes were soggy and where Jaebum expected Jinyoung to push him off and laugh even harder at how silly they were being, Jinyoung instead slipped his arms behind Jaebum's back and rested his chin on his shoulder, letting his other hand brush Jaebum's drenched hair. Catching him by surprise.

"I love you so much." Jinyoung said.

"Me too." Jaebum answered.

It was cliché like blockbuster romantic movies Jinyoung loved and forced Jaebum to watch with him even though he wasn't interested in the movie but very interested in how giggly they made Jinyoung. It was like a bad romance novel where the knight in shining armour saved the distressed princess from her situation, except that this time, they were both the knights, and they were both the princesses who needed each other.

Which was when they became aware of their compromising situation - which was when they looked at each other with the tips of their noses touching and the eskimos would blush from how long they were kissing in their language - they were wrapped into each other and Jinyoung had never felt warmer when his clothes were wet. So they shuffled away from each other, coughed awkwardly, looked at the tips of their shoes and rubbing their napes.

Then Jaebum sneezed, and then Jaebum sneezed again.

"Y-you need a warm bath." Jinyoung stuttered.

"I should go get your stuff first."

Jinyoung shook his head, however, and grabbed Jaebum's sleeve to usher him forward.

"Forget it." He said, and then a loud and brash storm lit up the sky and from one second to the other, it started pouring down like it had never rained before - like the grass and the flowers they were stepping on needed to extra energy before the summer woke up and the winter would fall asleep.

Jaebum let himself get dragged by Jinyoung. His precious Jinyoungie who was definitely going to come down with a cold because of him but Jaebum felt kind of happy, because he imagined covering him with blankets on top of blankets and stupidly fall asleep with the heater on.

His mother would yell at them, they'd wrap themselves up in the covers for the rest of the day.

He pinched himself to make sure that it was reality, and was glad when Jinyoung didn't turn around to hear him yelp and see him making a fool out of himself.

A fool just for Jinyoung.

 

-

 

It was funny how Jinyoung and Jaebum were in the middle of the process of falling hard for one another and neither of them knew it yet when they woke up on the second day of their holiday, Jaebum feeling a little bit more awkward about sleeping so close to Jinyoung, but no less clingy when his mother found them spooning in the morning.

Neither of them were awake enough to notice her, but they heard the faint sound of the closet opening and shutting closed before they fell asleep again, unaware of the fact that his mother had sneaked a picture of them and was showing it off to his father minutes later.

Jinyoung woke up after Jaebum did and therefore did not physically see him hugging him from behind, but he certainly slept better because of it. He woke up and looked at the date - six days had passed since he left Mark, and while it wasn't the first time (nor the second, third, or tenth time) he had thought about the boy since that day, it was the first time where he felt an empty spot in his heart which not even Jaebum could fill.

He wondered what Mark was doing, felt the urge of calling him and making sure that he was doing alright. Wished he could see him and tie him down so he could never hurt himself again, even if he was going to hurt Jinyoung in the process of it.

It was when Jaebum groaned and cursed at the screen of his phone when his heart calmed down, and he realized that was he was thinking was absolutely ridiculous and toxic. So he turned around, made sure to take a long look at Jaebum, and then he felt safe again.

"Tomorrows the festival." Jinyoung said.

Jaebum nodded, patting Jinyoung's hair and lifting up his shirt which was so big that it exposed half his shoulder. Jinyoung blushed at this, and was unaware that Jaebum did it not for Jinyoung, but for his own sake and sanity.

"I'll pick your stuff up toni- fuck." Jaebum cursed, his character on his phone game falling off the cliff again.

"I want to go with you." Jinyoung said, snatching Jaebum's phone off his lap and sitting straight in the bed, shoulder-against-shoulder next to Jaebum, making it sound as casual and nonchalant as possible.

As expected, it didn't work with Jaebum.

"No, you're not." He said, like a father telling his son that he wasn't going to have a sleepover with his friend who lives three cities, six rivers and two busrides away from home when his parents are out of town.

Jinyoung rubbed his own feet, feeling a little bit restless, when Jaebum added.

"You know, It's going to be hard to hold myself back, but I won't hurt him as long as he stays quiet for your sake."

"No - no please don't get angry at him," Jinyoung said. "I've had enough of that - I just want it all to go away. I'm not even mad at him, I'm still shocked that any of it happened, I can't get passed that."

So just to try to not hate himself and letting himself cry over Mark in Jaebum's bed and making the vulnerable situation turn for the worse (which all of them were going to have to face at some point - but not yet) he pressed the play button and the level loaded up to where Jaebum couldn't get past.

Jinyoung remembered the game. He frowned, thoughts of all the bad things coming to a halt for a brief minute, and he turned around to look at Jaebum who seemed like he didn't know how to react after what Jinyoung had said.

"You're still stuck in this level, three months later?"

Knocking Jaebum out of his thoughts, he went from pensive to grinning stupidly less like an adult and more like the kid Jinyoung was fascinated with in their childhood. So he shook his head, and Jaebum told him that Jinyoung definitely couldn't pass it either.

Until he did, and Jaebum was shocked and Jinyoung looked like he had just won the lottery when he did his best to look cool and collected.

Which was how it happened, brief and dumb - tummies hurting with laughter and forgetting about all the bad things when Jaebum kissed his cheek in glee.

"You did it!" He said. "I can't believe it!" He continued, and shimmied out of the bed in declaration that the day was off to a wonderful start of good things coming up for the future. Their future.

It seemed like Jinyoung was the only one blushing and stuttering wildly - until Jaebum turned around again and he realized that he was not alone. That every moment with Jaebum felt like a first, and that those days of his teenage years were compromised of both the best and the worst. That Jaebum looked younger and more innocent than the last time he saw him, like their happiness came with terms and conditions which they accepted but haven’t read.

Even so, that was the first time Jaebum kissed his cheek, and Jaebum was ready to kick himself for waiting so long to do it. He loved Jinyoung, he was so, so in love with Jinyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sike yall thought it was gonna be another 2 months for a new chapter.   
> It's gonna be a fluff fest from now on, but of course some things aren't forgotten that easily, and jjp will have to deal with the aftermath of what they've done. This won't be the last you've seen of Mark, the story is nearing its ending and I hope you liked this chapter ! thank you for reading and tell me what you think !!


	8. Chapter Eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicide is mentioned once

 

Jinyoung worried that he was going to become diabetic at some point - because they had been eating pancakes with jam and sugar every morning and frankly, Jinyoung wasn't even sick of the sweet taste yet. They ate about five each with the radio on when Jaebum's parents weren't home, and had breakfast on Jaebum's balcony when they were.

When Jaebum kissed Jinyoung's cheek his tummy didn't explode in butterflies of love and excitement. No, the moment before and the moment after didn't feel any different at all. It almost like the next step, like everyone knew that it was going to happen so he couldn't pretend like he was suddenly shy and bashful towards Jaebum.

That didn't stop him from feeling a little bit giddy though, sweetness of the pancakes and the sticky sugar stuck between his teeth while corny pop songs were playing on the radio right before ads came on - Jaebum looked a little more struck by the kiss however, and Jinyoung kind of wanted to tell him that it was okay.

But he also thought that shyness looked good on him, so he didn't. Instead, they ate and spoke and then they talked even more - Jaebum was going to Mark's house that evening, but before that, on the third day of their one week holiday, they were going on a walk again, and this time it was sunny and warm enough for them to wear shirts and something light around their shoulders to be satisfied.

Jinyoung settled with Jaebum's arm when he put it around the slightly shorter boy - he almost felt proud of who he was walking with. Scrap that, he _was_ proud of who he was walking with.

"Oh," Jinyoung suddenly jumped up. "I have an appointment at the hospital today."

Jaebum understood immediately what he meant by that, so he nodded and said that they could take the train a little earlier so they could spend the day in the bigger city next to their little town which they loved so much. It almost felt like a date, but Jinyoung didn't dare to say that it was.

"Have fun on your date." Jaebum's father, however, rudely said when they announced their leave towards the station.

Jinyoung blushed and so did Jaebum.

They couldn't see Jaebum's father from the newspaper that covered his face, but they were sure that he was smiling behind it. Jaebum's mother laughed from the kitchen, and Jaebum took Jinyoung's hand and speeded out of the house immediately. Gosh, his parents were so embarassing.

 

-

 

"I've been thinking," Jinyoung said ten minutes into the train ride. "I want a tattoo."

Jaebum, who had his feet up on the chair looked at him like he just said he wanted to become a professional tap-dancer and stripper by the age of twenty, so Jinyoung shook his head. The sun passing through the window and touching his face lightening it up, emphasizing his beautiful melanin and feeling a little warmer than before. Jinyoung liked the warmth.

"They're right - my parents are a bad influence." Jaebum said, jokingly, and Jinyoung lightly kicked him, giggling stupidly. No, it was really stupid because it wasn't even funny, and Jinyoung wasn't normally amused that easily - but with Jaebum he was.

"I want to see your tattoo again, it's been a while." Jinyoung said, pulling at his shirt before Jaebum rolled his eyes and told him off, making Jinyoung pout. Like he wasn't on his way to the hospital to get tested. Like nothing could threaten their happiness which was based on simplicity.

"That's a weird thing to say about a tattoo," Jaebum smiled. "I'll show you tonight, we'll have all the time in the world." Then he winked.

And if Jinyoung's heart skipped a beat at his words, he wasn't going to admit it.

 

-

 

"Are you nervous?" Jaebum held Jinyoung's hand in the waiting room.

Jinyoung felt sick to his stomach. Every step prior to entering the hospital going just fine and alright before he remembered the first time he visited the place. He thought about Mark's grandmother being there, room 401, and Jinyoung looked pale and felt like throwing up.

Naturally Jaebum just assumed that he was nervous for the test - in theory, he was nervous for _that_ as well, but he thought about Mark, then he thought about his grandmother again and he remembered their scene in the hallway vividly, like it was on a movie screen and not one that he lived himself. In fact, his entire episode with Mark felt that way. 

The creaky tiles of the floor and the water machine that had no water in it - Mark burying his face in his hands and looking more tired than he had ever looked before. Jinyoung remembered the day his mother had kicked him out of his house. It was the beginning - of something bad and maybe something good by direct consequence. 

"I can't breathe." Jinyoung suddenly said, holding Jaebum's hand tight before the older one grabbed his shoulders and told him how to inhale and exhale and repeat. Jinyoung did this a couple of times, nobody around them to call a doctor. Jinyoung calmed down after a couple of minutes, but Jaebum didn't let go of his shoulders yet.

"Mark's grandmother is here." Jinyoung told Jaebum, and Jaebum widened his eyes like he suddenly understood the situation better. That was the moment a nurse came out of room 388, and she asked for Park Jinyoung with a bright smile.

"Sorry sir," The nurse stopped Jaebum - following behind Jinyoung - at the door. "He's supposed to be alone."

Jinyoung sat down in front of the doctor's desk.

 

-

 

The test wasn't nearly as overwhelming and awkward as Jinyoung initially thought it was going to be. The doctor asked him about how many people he had slept with and how times they had had sex without protection, among other things before she took his blood and told him to come back the next day for his results. She was comforting, Jinyoung liked that, so he left the room a little jittery and his legs bouncing a little too much when Jaebum didn't realize that Jinyoung was already out.

Jaebum had his head against the mirror and was doozing off, hands in the pockets of his blue sweater and his copper black hair falling beautifully on his face, all of his piercings visible and if Jinyoung had a blanket he would have tucked him in it. That was, until Jaebum woke up and smiled at him like he had been waiting forever.

"How did it go?"

"It went alright. Though I'm kind of hungry now."

Jaebum nodded, taking Jinyoung's hand in his own. "Then," He said. "Let's go have something to eat." And he pressed Jinyoung's hand to where his heart was, before letting it go. Mostly out of self consciousness.

Jinyoung grabbed his hand again, shocking Jaebum who turned around to look at him surprised.

"I want donuts." Jinyoung declared.

Jinyoung could have told him he wanted fried sand with mayoinaise for dinner, and Jaebum would've gladly eaten the entire beach for him. Scratch that, it was a bad metaphor, but Jaebum promises you that he would have done it anyway.

Which was how they ended up in a Starbucks cafetaria that they didn't have in their small traditional town - they both got surprised at all of the traffic and jumped when they beeped at them for crossing the road when the sign read red. They walked around the town for the rest of the day, talked about mundane things like the last television show they watched but mostly they shyly held hands without ever acknowledging it, taking in the view and taking in their warmth.

Neither of them were the sporty type. Jaebum was more artsy where Jinyoung simply didn't like to break a sweat for no reason. Even so, the two of them would have gladly walked just like that for the rest of their lives, or at least for the rest of their holiday which was both away from school and away from their problems.

The first time Jinyoung tried strawberry coffee with lots of cream on it, it was when Jaebum ordered it for him when Jinyoung asked for black coffee.

"It suits you the best." Was Jaebum's argument, and surely, Jinyoung decided that strawberry coffee with extra cream was his new favourite pretentious drink and Jaebum decided that he would buy it for him forever if he could see his satisfied expression again and again.

He stared at him for so long that his own coffee got cold when it was only halfway to the bottom - Jinyoung pointed at it, and Jaebum lied when he said that he didn't want it anymore, so Jinyoung shrugged and finished his own.

"About that tattoo." Jinyoung said.

"We'll get to that later." Jaebum laughed.

Which was how they strolled back to the train station at nine p.m sharp, Jinyoung's sweaterpaws still holding Jaebum's hand, all the lights of the streets pointing at them, and cars not stopping even if Jaebum felt like anyone should've stopped for Jinyoung. They got in the train, fell asleep on each others shoulders, and finally reached home. Jinyoung was comfortable with calling it that.

"You kids had fun?"

Jaebum's parents looked really amused for some reason when they walked into the living room, his mother nuzzled in his fathers chest, and his father with his exposed tattoed arms playing a game on his phone. He paused it to look at them.

"It went alright." Jinyoung said, still wondering why they were laughing.

"It sure looks that way." His mother said, giggling for a third time in under two minutes. Jaebum frowned.

"They're being weird again, let's go upstai-"

Which was exactly when he realized, just like that, that he and Jinyoung were still holding hands, and his parents burst out in laughter when he realized this. Meanwhile Jaebum got redder than Jinyoung had ever seen him before, almost like he was a cartoon, and expected him to quickly let go of his hand and rush off towards his room, but held his hand even tighter, looking at the tiles of the floor.

"Why are you being so cold now, Jaebummie?" Jinyoung teased, the laughter in the room becoming infectuous.

Jaebum groaned.

It was a short moment that seemed insignificant, random and unimportant to most people, but years later, Jinyoung was still going to remember that as one of his fondest memories of his teenage years, which looked like hospital rooms and strawberry coffees, which looked like plaid vests and boys with cherry blonde hair that smelled like whiskey. 

 

-

 

The tiles of the shower were cold but the heat of the water made up for it, relaxing Jaebum's body in every way except his mind which was got a little more restless after the day. He sighed, letting the stream of the water hit his broad back and he saw his own tattoos in the mirror behind him. He realized how much bigger his shoulders got, and he briefly wondered if Jinyoung noticed the little things about him like Jaebum noticed the little things about Jinyoung.

Jinyoung. Jaebum's mind wandered off too Jinyoung - all soft skin and brown haired Jinyoung, Jinyoung who used to have a flawless complexion but looked a little less healthy when he left Mark's house. Jinyoung who had a lot of moles on his arms and shoulder blades, Jinyoung with the thick lips that were never chapped because he always used vaseline to moisturize them. Jinyoung with the high jeans because they accentuated his hips. Jinyoung with the feminine figure, but funnily enough had more abs than Jaebum did. Which didn't say a lot, but still said enough. Jaebum never really stopped to think about it, but if he had to name the prettiest people on earth, then Park Jinyoung would definitely be in his top five, inversely, if he had to name the hottest people on earth, Park Jinyoung would still make the list and he was afraid that it would be the case even if he didn't know his lovely personality.

Jaebum shook his head with the realization, like a dog with wet fur. Jinyoung was really gorgeous, and they had held hands and he kissed his cheek. It felt so terribly right that he didn't even get the time to realize what he was feeling - except that he was really embarrassed, much more than Jinyoung was.

Jinyoung was so much more experienced than Jaebum - even if the former thought that Jaebum had the number one body count of sexcapes with both genders in town, Jinyoung didn't know that Jaebum told him that just because he was jealous of Jinyoung's relationship. No, Jaebum was definitely a virgin, not going past second base with the only partner he has hand, and Jinyoung wasn't.

He sighed audibly, his heart picking up speed and feeling aroused out of nowhere, or, actually, out of the thought of Jinyoung doing a bunch of obscene things that Jaebum could only reference from the pornos he watched growing up. He felt bad when he thought about what faces he made, wondered if he liked it vanilla or kinky. Jaebum had the feeling that it was probably the latter, knowing Jinyoung.

He couldn't get it over his heart to jack off to Jinyoung without him knowing, though, and resisted the really strong urge by thinking of everything not Jinyoung related. Like pottery, or the latest Pokemon episode he watched to his mothers amusement. He thought about how his parents met while his father was leaving permanent art on her body. He wondered if they were good friends before they were lovers.

Just like that, with still a little of edge on his steps, Jaebum got out of the shower and put his clothes on to go to his room and tell Jinyoung that he'd be back soon. And just as if life was playing tricks and testing him, he found Jinyoung sound asleep, spread out on his bed with the heater next to him and his mothers blanket over his shoulders.

It was adorable, Jaebum thought that it was absolutely adorable.

He was royally screwed.

  
-

 

Saying that he was going to go to Mark's apartment was a lot easier than actually doing it, and Jaebum felt scared when he knocked on his door, not knowing what the inside looked like and not knowing if he was there in the first place. He knocked once, and then he knocked twice until he heard footsteps coming closer and with every step he heard, his heart raced a little bit faster until the door clicked and Jaebum's breath got caught in his throat like he got the wind knocked out of him.

The door was open, Jaebum felt lightheaded, Mark's eyes immediately went to the floor when he saw who it was. Mark wasn't sure who else it could have been, frankly. If he wanted to shut the door in his face, he didn't have the strenght to do it - because Jaebum might have been blinded by his hate, but Jaebum also noticed that his arms were so much skinnier than before.

"His stuff." Jaebum said - trying to sounded menacing and threatening but it came out as a sad, worried little squeak instead. He hated himself for sympathizing with the enemy, then he briefly wondered if Mark really _was_ the enemy.

Thinking about that would give him a headache and hating Mark was much easier than seeing him as human - so Jaebum stopped thinking about it, and he stomped through the door directly walking into the bedroom where he assumed Jinyoung's clothes were. He was scared, he was so, so scared but he couldn't let Mark notice that.

"Is Jinyoung downstairs?" Mark asked, as serene and calm like the ticking of an age old house clock. Jaebum turned around to look at him sitting on the floor, one hand in his hair and his shirt dirty and worn out.

"No." Jaebum simply said, opening the closet with the intention of finding Jinyoung's clothes, but he was shocked when a whole pile of jeans and sweaters came out instead, all on the floor and crumpled up like they hadn't been worn in years. 

He looked at Mark, but Mark wasn't looking at him.

"They're under the bed," Mark said, then paused. "Is he doing okay?"

"None of your business." Jaebum coldly said, leaning down to pull out a bag which had all of Jinyoung's belongings. That was when he felt Mark's presence behind him, and he hadn't even heard the older boy criss cross towards him. Maybe he got so skinny that his steps couldn't even be heard, like the world was actually completely erasing him from it.

Jaebum thought that he was going to fight him, hit him or yell at him. Maybe he'd go crazy in front of Jaebum and he quickly looked around him to see if he could find anything that could be used against Mark if he tried something. Which was, until Mark tried something.

Except that no weapons could have worked against what he did - which was speak, still calm and serene which felt like the calm before the storm and Jaebum made it a point to stand up and leave as fast as possible. He promised Jinyoung he wouldn't do anything to Mark - he couldn't do anything to Mark.

"Are you happy now?" Mark sincerely asked, there were no spite in his words. "Even if I want to die - are you happy together knowing that?"

Jaebum's heart was caught in his throat. Stepped a couple of steps away from Mark, just in case. He wanted to leave so badly, the feeling in the lonely house was awful and depressing, like a whole other world to what everybody else lived in.

Mark continued, "Oh I get it. You're not happy _because_ of my situation, but it sure doesn't stop you from moving on with your life, right?" He took a step forward, something in his voice drastically changing. Jaebum realized that he was completely out of balance. "Or _you_ might want to see me dead. The only reason you're not hanging my head over the window right now is because Jinyoung asked you not to, right?"

Truthfully, that's what Jaebum should have felt like - but at that moment he wasn't sure if he could have done it. Mark seemed too aware of his situation, too beaten up to want to hurt even more. Jaebum just wanted to leave, really, really badly. That proved Mark's first point.

Mark wasn't important to Jaebum next to Jinyoung. No, Mark's unhappiness was never going to be able to deter Jaebum's own in the way that Jinyoung could. Mark was completely unimportant when stood next to Jinyoung. Jaebum didn't need him - that was the sad reality of it, and Mark knew that all along.

It was Mark's turn to look at Jaebum kind of like he pitied him when it should have been the other way around.

"I loved him," Mark continued. "I really, really love him," He repeated. "And you're even worse than me, so don't look at me like that."

Jaebum snapped up at this, balling his fists by instinct.

"You're _crazy_."

"I'm _not_ ," Mark said. "But if I was - you're the one who dumped him to stay with the crazy person. You're the one who dumped him for drugs, not me, the crazy person."

Jaebum felt that a fight was boiling up and was steaming off the pot. He didn't want to fight Mark, but he was getting in his head.

"You're the bad one here. Jinyoung deserves better than someone who'd rather get high than face his problems - he always called you first, but I was the one who picked up, so who enabled what here? You're a little kid, Jaebum," Mark said. "Will you be all lovey-dovey before something else takes your attention?"

He had no depth compared to Mark. Jaebum wondered if that was true, until he felt the ropes of the bag burn in his shoulder, and he snapped awake realizing that he was talking to someone who wasn't really talking as themselves - so with half a mind and his heart a little cloudier than before, he grabbed Mark by his shirt, threw him on his own bed, and held both his wrists.

"You're the worst person I have ever met, and I'm glad that Jinyoung left you." He was tempted to spit on him, or at the very least punch him. Really, he was about to, until Mark seemed strangely limp and willing in his hands, so he lightly slapped his cheek instead - like he wanted to wake him up.

Tactless words that would lead to inevitable results. Jaebum was not a mature person and much less was he walking messiah of understandment - so the damage was done, and he took his bag and stomped out of that terrible apartment without shutting the door.

Fully aware that Mark was still lying on his bed, his hands pinned up over his head, his cheek a little bit red, his soul devoid of any kind of spite that you'd expect. He was not Mark, he was a very small percentage of Mark.

It was not fair to him. It was not fair that Jinyoung got to know him at his fifteen percent. Mark was good and kind person full of love and understandment for others - he liked videogames and as a kid wanted to become a maths teacher because he helped his smaller siblings out with simple equations. He would help anyone out with expecting anything in return, because Mark was a warm person who should have experienced his first love with Jinyoung, 

Except that he didn't.

Which was the first time in a long time in which Mark cried, surprised that he had enough energy to do it. 

 

-

 

Jaebum had never rushed up his stairs faster than that night, a little before midnight and his parents already in their bedroom watching television in the comfort of their own bed. Jaebum rushed up, taking two steps at the time, and opened and closed the door as fast as he could before checking if Jinyoung was still there - he didn't know why, but he had to make sure that he was.

Thankfully, Jinyoung was adorably dazed by the sight and the scent of the cold fresh air Jaebum brought with him - rubbing his eyes before realizing that Jaebum was ridiculously out of breath and looking more scared than he had ever seen him before. Which was when Jaebum let out a sigh in relief, and quickly lied on top of Jinyoung, holding him tight and dug his nose in the crook of his neck, letting himself relax with the beat of Jinyoung's heart.

"What's wrong? You're being weird." Jinyoung croaked out lazily, unaware that Jaebum had gone to see Mark yet.

Jaebum nuzzled his neck more, and said, 

"I'm so sorry Jinyoung, just - please stay like this for a little longer."

Jinyoung didn't get it, but Jaebum seemed almost hysterical and confused, so he agreed and relaxed back into the pillows, opting to brush Jaebum's hair slowly with the intention of helping him calm down. Instead, he fell asleep with his breath hitting Jinyoung's neck, his strong hands still holding his shoulders. In what should have been an uncomfortable pose, Jinyoung instead fell asleep faster and better than he had ever fallen asleep in before. 

And if in the middle of the night he felt something lightly peck his lips and fix up the covers so Jinyoung was nicely wrapped up in them, then Jinyoung was going to say that it was the bedroom fairy wishing him a good night. Jinyoung always loved fairytales, especially the ones with mermaids and pretty creatures with wings on their backs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to wrap up real soon. Don't you guys feel bad for Mark? in an alternative version it was Jinyoung who picked up his stuff but I couldn't do it lmao. It won't be the last of them though, there's still some emotional tricks up my sleeve before we finish. Thank you for reading and pls tell me what you think and what you think will happen lol


	9. Chapter Nine.

The first time Jinyoung and Jaebum kissed, it was on the 9th of December and they were wrapped up in a blanket sitting by the bridge of the riverbank and it was tender and shy enough that the smallest blow of wind could have teared the moment apart. When Jinyoung and Jaebum kissed for the first time, it was the first time Jinyoung had seen fireflies in their town, and Jaebum told him that it was probably because of climate change. When Jinyoung and Jaebum kissed for the first time, every kiss after that felt like something new.

On the morning of their first kiss, Jinyoung woke up with a cramp in his arm and he couldn't feel his lower body because Jaebum had been hugging him the entire night. At this point neither of them knew that they were going to share their first kiss that night, the first night of the town's Winter festival, but Jinyoung still woke up in an extraordinarily good mood.

Jaebum had fallen asleep in his street clothes and Jinyoung knew for a fact that he hadn't washed his hands or brushed his teeth the night before. He wanted to scold him, but waking him up from his peaceful slumber seemed mean at the time, so sacrificing his own blood flow for his sake seemed like the better option at the time.

Which was when Jaebum woke up, minutes before their ten a.m alarm went off and minutes after Jinyoung was strategizing the best way of grabbing the book from the table without waking Jaebum up.

"Goodmorning," Jaebum said, hair messy and his lips a little chapped. "I got your stuff last night."

Oh, Jinyoung forgot about that. He looked around as if he expected his clothes to pop out of nowhere and introduce themselves on at the time. They didn't do any of that, and Jaebum told him that he had kicked it under the bed. Jinyoung didn't ask why.

"How was he?" He asked instead.

Jaebum plopped his head down on Jinyoung's chest again.

"Just - you know."

He didn't, but Jinyoung also didn't want to feel any more hurt from the past. Didn't want to stir up any more tension. Jinyoung wished he could somehow make sure that in the long run, Mark was going to be alright - but Jinyounng also didn't want to suffer any longer because of the past.

So he shut up. Stayed quiet when his mind asked him a thousand and one question all which had to do with him. Jinyoung couldn't do anything to help Mark directly, so trying to forget him was the next best option for his own sanity. At the price of Mark.

It was him or Jinyoung, and for the first time, Jinyoung decided that he no longer wanted to put someone else as his priority. Not Mark, not his family and not Im Jaebum. The first time Jinyoung decided this, he felt like the book characters felt. You know, weight off his shoulders and all.

He could breathe a little better than before.

 

-

 

American pop music. So and so's latest greatest hit. The radio was older than Jinyoung and Jaebum - wouldn't have been surprised if it was older than the two of them combined, but it restlessly worked and went through five falls on the kitchen tiles, two cups of water accidentally thrown over it, and countless serenades of Jaebum singing to the ceiling while he was washing the dishes.

Jinyoung hadn't mentioned it, but he loved the radio. Not just Jaebum's families radio which was black and oldschool and had terrible speakers, but also the radio in general and he went through a phase where he listened to it on his bed every night in middle school. He liked the advice sections the best, because the channel fifty three hosts were funny. Still were, Jinyoung hadn't listened to them in a long time - but he listened to them that same morning.

You guessed it - they ate pancakes again. You'd think that the Ims couldn't make anything else even if their life depended on it. But they could - especially when their life depended on it. Jaebum could make great hamburgers, Jinyoung knew exactly when to take the chicken out of the stove for it to melt off its bones.

It was just easy to fall into a rhytm, a tradition - so pancakes with jam and sugar were their morning ritual. With the radio going from channel three, the hipster channel, to channel nineteen and the most popular one - channel fifty three.

 

_"Yeah, when I was younger we used to go out and mess around too much. Looking at it that way - maybe the internet is doing kids a favor?"_

 

Jinyoung didn't think that it actually did him any favours but he suddenly remembered two things. The first thing was that they were supposed to go to school soon, and he hadn't yet talked to Jaebum about that. The second thing was that the festival started tonight, and Jinyoung had to go to the hospital before they could go.

"Don't think too much buttercups." Jaebum said, shoving a piece of pancake in his mouth while scrolling through his phone.

"Sorry." Jinyoung said.

"Don't apologize," Jaebum frowned. "You look prettiest when you aren't worried."

Jinyoung blushed at this. He wished he could say that something changed between them - but truthfully, nothing actually changed about them. No, it just followed its natural course of realizing and that was the part that Jinyoung feared the most. He liked Jaebum - did he like Jaebum? Jinyoung thinks he liked Jaebum, not sure to what extent. Hadn't given himself the time to think about it.

Until he gave himself the time to think about it. He realized that Jaebum had grown from a little boy to a man a long time ago. At the time he felt kind of threatened in his pressence, but Jinyoung was more experienced now, years stupider also, maybe, but he felt like he was equal to Jaebum.

You know - Jaebum being all broad shoulders manly hands and sharp features. Jinyoung being more curvy around the hips, fully thighs, fuller butt, smaller shoulders and catty eyes and lips that were fuller than Jaebum's. He was attracted to Jaebum, he was so, so attracted to Jaebum even in primary school when Jaebum had his first kiss with a guy who gave him a bleeding nose as a response.

Jinyoung remembered the moment vividly - he asked Jaebum about it. Wondered if it left such a lasting impression on him as it did to Jinyoung. They were reminiscing about the past now - Jinyoung was getting over it all with baby steps. One at the time, excruciatingly slow.

"Of course - you're not the one who got punched," Jaebum laughed about it. "And you cleaned it up for me."

Jinyoung nodded. "I got really scared."

This seemed to surprise Jaebum, who looked Jinyoung straight in the eyes with his mouth completely full, letting out a muffled _"Huh, why?"_ Which was gross and disgusting but Jinyoung didn't complain about it.

Jinyoung shrugged, looked the other way, and a blush crept up from his cheeks to the tip of ears. "Wouldn't you be scared if I got punched back then?"

Jaebum seemed to understand, so he wiped the excess jam away from the corner of his mouth with his sleeve and wondered what to say next. He considered it for a couple of seconds watching Jinyoung get a little more nervous by the second.

"I lied," Jaebum suddenly said. "When they asked me to kiss the prettiest person in the room - I lied. It wasn't that guy."

Jinyoung gasped involuntarily and jumped up to grab the plates and put them in the sink to wash, but he was nervous and stuttering and he slipped over nothing but thankfully Jaebum grabbed his wrist, saving him from the fall. Jinyoung refused to look up to meet his eyes, muttering a quick 'thanks' before he turned his back on Jaebum to wash the dishes with more aggressiveness and vigour than was actually necessary.

Jinyoung tried his best to distract himself.

 

_"Romance is dying out as well - we don't see the pining and slow romances anymore, do we? kids these days are too fast, they go from one thing to another in the blink of an eye. How do they do that?"_

 

-

 

The first time Jinyoung refused to change in the same room as Jaebum, it was on the same day they were going to have their first kiss under the stars and mist of their little town by the riverside. Jaebum announced that they had to hurry up if they wanted to catch the 11:30 a.m bus and Jinyoung jumped and sounded too high pitched when he said he was going to get ready.

Naturally, Jaebum followed after him. When they reached their room, he was already taking his shirt off and Jinyoung almost collapsed on the spot. System overdrive, or something. Jinyoung didn't know what overcame him.

So he took whatever he could grab first and walked right out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Jaebum asked, confused, already putting on another long sleeved black shirt.

"Bathroom." Jinyoung explained. Or tried to explain - not like he actually had to give out any explanations, and Jaebum seemed either worried or amused, and Jinyoung was already locking the door of the bathroom and getting himself together.

Hospital. He should have been thinking about the hospital. He thought about it - white tiles, whiter walls, except that they weren't. They were actually kind of moldy and the chairs creaked a lot and the watermachine still didn't have any water - or cups. Jinyoung was going to get his results. Getting shy over Jaebum flirting with him or insinuating that it was him he wanted to kiss in their sixth grade getaway was unreasonable. His life might have been in danger.

With these thoughts, he slapped his cheeks and brushed his hair - changing out of his sweatpants and forcing himself into some skinny demin jeans instead. His butt was much more accentuated than usual - that was not the reason he tucked in his shirt.

He walked out seven minute later and Jaebum was already waiting by the door - he looked at Jinyoung funny for the third time that morning and Jinyoung briefly wondered if he had drawn something on his forehead, or something.

That was, until Jaebum grabbed his shirt.

"It's the other way around." He deadpanned, tucking on it and accidentally made Jinyoung stumble forward.

He put his shirt on the other way around. Jinyoung wished the ground could suck him up and he would never have to suffer through such a situation again.

"What's got you so flustered?" Jinyoung could no longer tell if it was teasing or sincere. Until he felt Jaebum's cold hands on his tummy, and he was pulling his shirt up to his navel in an attempt to take it off.

Jinyoung flinched, pushed Jaebum away till he hit the wall behind him and Jinyoung didn't have the time to regret it before Jaebum looked hurt.

"Sorry -" Jaebum said, completely honest this time, like he had done something horrible. "I forgot - I shouldn't have. You're probably uncomfortable with that, right? Shit," He was right. "I hate him for doing this to you - I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

Jinyoung wasn't sure if he was relived or saddened at his words. Couldn't tell if his heart was beating fast because someone touched him without his explicit consent, reminding him of him, or if it was because it was Jaebum who was touching him. He didn't know any of that, it angered him.

"It's okay." He said instead, and grabbed Jaebum's hand, if just to comfort himself.

It was okay.

 

-

 

The walk towards the station and the first half of their train carried a tension in the air that was almost thick enough to make Jaebum choke and he was feeling hotter by the second out of sheer nervousity. Next to him, Jinyoung seemed a little bit more put together, but it was but a small bag of oxygen when Jaebum felt like he needed an entire tank.

Jinyoung noticed this, looked at him from the corner of his eyes and mostly felt bad, but partially also thought it was kind of cute how much he worried about Jinyoung's well-being. It was enough to eliminate most of the awkwardness he had held in him that morning, so while they passed the forest with dark trees and they were once again the only people in the cabin, weak sunlight hitting their cheeks, Jinyoung spoke.

"You know - you really don't have to worry about it." Jinyoung said matter-of-factly.

When Jaebum spoke, it felt like he was taking a breath. "I just don't want to ruin anything anymore."

"You won't." Jinyoung assured him.

Jaebum still wouldn't believe it. "But I don't want to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable because of me - I'm really sorry, you just mean the world to me Jinyoung."

His heart beat a little faster, he felt the butterflies coming out of their cocoon in his tummy and it felt warm, comfortable. He wanted Jaebum to feel it too, so he grabbed his hand and ignored Jaebum's bewildered expression and put his hand on his own chest.

"Feel that? It's okay, Jaebum - I trust you."

He trusted him and Jaebum stayed like that, slowly caressing where Jinyoung's heart was supposed to be for what felt like hours - until security walked into their cabin and coughed.

"Not to disrupt - but can I see your tickets, please?"

Jaebum would say that he wanted to die, but that would have been a lie.

 

-

 

Hospital visit. Third time in year and the third visit in his entire life. Descriptions were still the same - the tiles were still cracking and the wall was still moldy and the watermachine still didn't have any water, and the same secretary wrote Jinyoung's name down and they sat in the same little space which had chairs forming a square and Jaebum again put his hoodie over his head as if that would make time go any faster.

"I'm nervous." Jaebum said.

Jinyoung giggled. "Why? I'm the one who's in danger here - not you."

Neither of them mentioned that it was a perfect paralel to their conversation earlier that morning. Jaebum just sighed and told him that he wanted to go in with him to the room, and Jinyoung asked him to please not make a fuss if they told him that he couldn't.

The tension was gone and Jinyoung would have made an anology about butterflies hurting themselves when they got out of their cocoons but he wasn't going to, because the same nurse from the other day walked out and called his name.

They both stood up, Jinyoung recognized Jaebum's argumentative stance and he was about to tell him off when the nurse opened the door for the two of them. Jaebum felt a little bit stupid, but it was okay.

Jinyoung sat down, Jaebum sat next to him eyeing the doctor like he was going to fight or like, have the staredown of the year for no reason. The doctor seemed unbothered however, and politely smiled at him.

"Would this be the man we spoke about?" She asked Jinyoung.

Jinyoung shook his head. "No - that's someone else."

The doctor nodded as if she understood. Maybe she did. She took out a bunch of papers and Jaebum could only squint so much before his vision got funny and he couldn't see or understand anything it said, anyway. So he backed down in his chair.

"Well - Jinyoung. You've tested negative."

Jaebum didn't understand. Negative as in, it was bad and Jinyoung was actually sick, or negative as in he didn't have anything? Jaebum thought the doctor was acting more mysterious and interesting than she should have, but he bit his tongue when Jinyoung hauled over him in a gutwrenching hug that put his life and his bleeding tongue on the line.

"I'm so relieved. " Jinyoung said, and then he cried. His tears flowed and Jinyoung talked in sobs and mutters that neither the doctor or Jaebum could understand. He cried happy tears - like life was giving him a break, a chance to truly start anew. He had a chance, Jinyoung was going to die before he was going to waste his his life any longer.

While Jaebum wiped his tears away with his sleeves he didn't notice that he was laughing stupidly and that he teared up together with Jinyoung. Whether it was out of compassion, his inability of seeing his Jinyoung suffer or because of his own relief, he didn't know.

It might have been a mixture of all of that.

Yeah, Jaebum was okay with that.

  
-

 

Which is a good moment to pause for a second and talk about the the broken bridge by the riverside on which Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung shared their first kiss. It was located much further away from the hustle of the festival, and there were no streetlights to lit the place up except for the candles that the elderly lit up every night on the broken bridge. It was broken and stopped in the middle of the river, but it still held steady, if a little wobbly and moldy.

The festival was the unofficial inaguration of Christmas season. There were pretty yellow and orange lights in every corner of the town, they ate lots of food and the festival stands smelled good and always brought in a lot of money. People from other towns came down to experience it, and, usually, rowdy teenagers would get shitfaced and drunk after three a.m when the stands closed and kids were sleeping. In previous years, Jaebum and Jinyoung were part of those rowdy teenagers - so was Jackson, Krystal, Mark and the others. They bought bottles and shared cups with chips in them.

The year of their first kiss however, no one called them up to go. Jinyoung didn’t miss anything from it - the memories were already made.

They were in an ecstatic mood after their hospital visit and Jinyoung lured Jaebum into paying for his ice-cream in the ice-cream cafeteria in the bigger town of the hospital after Jaebum bought him another strawberry coffee. When they got home, they spent the day stuck to each other, hugging and holding hands and playing videogames which Jaebum lost because Jinyoung bit his shoulder and threw his control in the air, comically.

They had dinner, and Jaebum’s father was a fantastic cook who always made barbeque ribs during the festival, and Jinyoung’s hunger was so satisfied and he was so happy that he forgot to think about what his mother was doing on that day by herself. Forgot about how Mark was dealing that day, by himself.

He only had time for Jaebum. Jaebum, Jaebum and Jaebum. They dressed up, and Jaebum looked absolutely stunning and adorable in a wide, pastel pink sweater and ripped jeans with sneakers. Jinyoung looked comfortable when he walked out of the bathroom with skinny jeans and Jaebum’s sweater which reached his mid-thighs.

It was eight p.m when the couple was ready to walk out and Jinyoung insisted to put some cologne on Jaebum’s neck. They walked down and Jaebum’s mother stopped them before they could leave.

"I want a photo." She said, and directed them in the perfect pose by the wall next to each other, seemingly satisfied with the picture.

They looked awkward. Jaebum was looking at the wall and Jinyoung awkwardly tried to hold up a peace sign, his other hand holding Jaebum’s wrist. It was a terrible picture, it was Jaebum’s mother’s favourite picture. They didn’t ask her why.

 

-

 

It was in the middle of Winter but Jinyoung almost felt like it should have been Summer when they walked between the mass of people holding all kinds and types of food, Jinyoung and Jaebum holding each other’s hands and Jaebum exictedly pulled Jinyoung towards this stand and that stand. By the end of it, Jinyoung was four snacks fuller and his cheek was smudged with cream, and Jaebum licked it clean in between the crowd. No one was going to notice them - they weren’t that important, Jinyoung was happy.

They played a few games of which they both lost all of them. Their pockets felt lighter but their heart a little heavier. Jinyoung bit his bottom lip so often he regretted not bringing chapstick with him, but Jaebum looked like an excited puppy trying out every food available, so he forgot all about it, the heat radiating from Jaebum’s hand being enough to bet three fat jackets and his favourite knitted sweater.

It was past midnight when they finished their second walk around the long festival which stretched all over the riverbank. Kids playing by the small hill of it, mothers yelling at them to watch out, fathers buying more food for the family to enjoy. Jinyoung and Jaebum took it all in and saw a side of the festival they hadn’t seen since they were small children. They relived it together - Jaebum felt proud of holding Jinyoung’s hand.

Jinyoung didn’t want to go home yet. He wanted to walk with Jaebum forever and ever if it meant that he was going to feel so nice for the rest of his life - so he asked Jinyoung if they could walk a little bit further, and Jaebum seemed glad that he had asked.

Thirty minutes. They walked thirty minutes away from the hustle of the festival and it got darker with each step, they were nervous, hands clammy and sweaty but still holding on to each other. It was getting colder - really cold, actually, but neither had the heart to complain about it if it meant that it was going to put their moment in jeopardy.

Finally, they reached the very end of the town. Which means, a hill blocked their way and unless they were going to climb and walk into the forest, they had reached their destination.

By the broken bridge of the riverbank. It felt automatic when Jaebum walked on it and sat down, Jinyoung sitting down with him. 

Jaebum looked pensive, concentrated - like he was about to make a decision and was thinking of the best way to do it. 

Jinyoung was cold and shivering, the water sound so nice to his ears and he leaned on Jaebum’s shoulders, grabbing his arm for some form of heat.

"Are you cold?" Jaebum realized out of nowhere, his plans already forgotten and looking at Jinyoung.

"Aren’t you?" Jinyoung retorted - but it wasn’t mean.

Jaebum laughed softly and lightly pushed Jinyoung off his arm to unzip his bag and he took out a big blanket which his mother used for the couch. Jinyoung couldn’ believe it, but wrapped it around himself immediately and opened his arm for Jinyoung to join him. He did, which was how they ended up playing with each other feet by the riverbank, their legs dangling over the bridge and the shivers turned into nervous anticipation.

"Funny how we got here."

Jaebum didn’t mean the place they were sitting in.

"Yeah," Jinyoung agreed, voice soft. "Life is really funny."

Jinyoung was playing with Jaebum’s fingers at this point - callused and full of cuts from his art sessions.

Jaebum opened his mouth, but Jinyoung felt the words come out faster than he could registed them in his mind at all.

"I’m glad it was you - in the midst of all it, and despite what anyone had to say, I know that you were always there for me," Jinyoung said. "Even back then - you might think that I did more for you than you did for me, but trust me, you’ve shown me a whole new way of seeing things. Accepting myself, being okay with myself  - you don’t know that, but that’s what you made me feel, Jaebum," He paused. "So - I’m glad it was you. I’m going to start over, and from now on I want to hold your hand throughout all of it - alright?"

It was embarassing. Fast phrases, said a couple of things too quickly, but Jaebum still looked so, so happy. He smiled so wide, his soft laugh so awkward and his had covering his mouth from how shy he was feeling. He looked at Jinyoung like he was a treasure, and if Jinyoung had to name one moment which he wouldn’t replace in his youth - it would have been that one.

"Come on, say something or I’m gonna look bad." Jinyoung said, the embarrassment setting in suddenly, and he didn’t know where to look.

"But you always look gorgeous, Jinyoung!" Jaebum said, which was when his eyes set on Jinyoung’s lips, and they didn’t ever leave. "Can I kiss you?"

Jinyoung nodded shyly.

"I love you." Jaebum whispered a breath away from Jinyoung’s lips - which was how it happened. Clumsy and shy, all lips and no tongue - there were no explosions or a band playing dramatic music for the scene. But the fireflies errupted out of nowhere, lightening up the sky, and Jinyoung had never seen fireflies before, nor did he know that butterflies could live in his body, but they did. And he saw them, and their only music was the sound of the river, and each others hot breaths and pants.

"Why are there fireflies?" Jinyoung asked dumbstruck, interrupting their kiss.

Jaebum laughed hard. "Climate change, probably."

Then Jaebum kissed him for a second time, this time with a little more fervour and one hand holding Jinyoung’s jaw and the other on his hand on his thigh, Jinyoung kissed him back, like he had never kissed anyone before. Jinyoung wondered if he had truly kissed anyone before. 

"You’re amazing, Jinyoung." Jaebum said between their kisses.

Which was how their first kiss went. A little awkward, a little clumsy. Inexperienced with what kissing with love felt like, and they kissed for a very long time after that - lying down on the bridge and Jinyoung’s hand in Jaebum’s hair when Jaebum was leaned over his chest and kissing his forehead, nose, cheeks and lips. 

Jinyoung hadn’t caught mermaids yet, but catching true love came pretty close.

 

-

 

The phone rang and vibrated endlessly before Mark realized that it wasn’t just a buzz in his head or part of his imagination. He was wrapped up on his couch with blankets around him, staring at the television which was putting on a show that Mark wasn’t actually paying attention to - just craved some kind of noise, and he lost count of the days he had heard someone speak when it wasn’t to yell at him. He heard the excited kids downstairs though, making their way towards the festival. 

The phone was ringing and oh god, Mark had a splitting headache and nineteen hours of sleep so he stood up to grab it. He didn’t recognize the number. He wanted to break it, but he sadly realized that he would take any kind of human contact at that moment, even if it was just to yell at him. He was hurting all over his body, but he wasn’t even sick despite not eating when he didn’t remember to.

He picked up the phone - the other line was breathing loud, there was complete silence, Mark was going to hang up.

 _"Mark?"_ The line said, a hint of nervousity in his voice.  _"It’s Jackson - you shouldn’t stay cooped up in your room all the time, you know? Uh, do you want to go out to the festival? You know, just the two of us."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They kissed! I haven't proofread this chapter (bc 1. my keyboard is acting up and 2. I just really want to pass out and watch yuri on ice) but I think I like how it went. Jackson re-appears and what will happen to JJP from here on out? this fic is getting into it's final part and I'm kinda... feeling funny about it. Thank you so much for your comments they really kicked my ass to write this as quick as possible lmao so tell me what you think ! what will happen ! Thank you for reading !


	10. Chapter Ten.

His first kiss and his first kiss with Jaebum were worlds apart from each other. Jinyoung was almost tempted to lie for the rest of his life and tell everyone that he lost his kiss virginity with the one and only Im Jaebum - then they'd ask, 'Jae _who?_ ' and Jinyoung would gladly sit them down and tell them all about the biggest greatest rockstar in Jinyoung's life.

They'd probably frown at him and walk away thinking he was weird. If Jinyoung were in their shoes, would have probably done the same. If they laughed at him, then Jinyoung wasn't even going to feel bad about it. Soft kisses that didn't break between the lips - Jinyoung felt stupidly hungover when he woke up the next day, and he was pretty sure that he spent the night sober.

Unless, you know - love counts as a drug and all. Jinyoung shivered at the thought, partially out of cringe but also a little ( _just_ a little bit, he promises) out of happiness and jittery excitement of what happened.

Which was when he remembered two things - one was that he was definitely in Jaebum's bed, and the second was that Jaebum was definitely lying half naked next to him, snoring lightly with one arm under the pillow and the other arm over his bare chest which was visible to the whole entire world.

Jinyoung wasn't one to squeal. But when it came to a half naked Jaebum after a night of kissing and sneezing and festival food - yeah, he definitely squealed.

Coincidentally, he also covered his eyes and brought his legs to his chest and his ears coloured red and it was kind of cartoonish and very uncharacteristic but it happened and suddenly Jinyoung wondered if the clichés from cartoon romance were all actually really accurate and in that case he wasn't looking forward to how they were going to be caught by his mother.

"Did you see a cockroach or something?" Jaebum grunted, struggling with opening his eyes before he rubbed them and tried his best to look at the squealing boy next to him.

Jinyoung shook his head aggressively, no, no - he hadn't seen a cockroach at all, he had seen Jaebum instead. He told him just this, and Jaebum laughed at him.

"Am I worse than a cockroach then?"

"Don't act stupid." Jinyoung huffed, finally dropping his hands down on the covers and looked the other way. _Any_ way that wasn't Jaebum's torso.

He couldn't see him, but Jinyoung imagined that he was smiling.

"I'm not acting, I'm just stupid by nature," He said, and Jinyoung was about to retort when he continued. "Or you make me stupid. You know, stupidly in love."

Which was exactly when, even though Jinyoung was against the wall and covered by bedsheets, he jumped up and jumped over the lump of Jaebum next to him and ran towards the bathroom to brush his teeth, yelling something about how annoying Jaebum was.

Jaebum thought that it was adorable, until he looked down and realized that he wasn't wearing a shirt. It was his turn to blush pink and avoid Jinyoung's eyes for the next ten minutes. Which were ten minutes too much, because they kissed with a mouthful of pancake and syrup - which should have been disgusting,

Except that, at that moment, it wasn't.

 

-

 

It wasn't a storm but a gentle breeze of the wind that was strong enough to help the leaves land safely on the ground but not hard  enough to close your eyes to when walking in that direction. Something shifted - not drastically but naturally, and Jaebum felt like he could finally think about Jinyoung _that_  way(you know - bending him over the kitchen sink, wanting to kiss more than his lips, tease him so he could blush pretty red) , even though they hadn't set in stone about what they were.

They kissed. Like, thirty times in twenty four hours, at least.

First with pancake in their mouths, and then they kissed _again_ with pancake in their mouths, and _again_ they kissed with pancake in their mouths, and while Jaebum was washing the dishes and radio channel seven was playing and Jinyoung pretended to be a radio host, he went on his tippy toes to kiss Jaebum's nose because he always had a thing for it.

"In related news - Im Jaebum is the cutest boy on the planet." Jinyoung said, and he kind of looked like a cat while he did it.

Jinyoung kissed without asking. Sometimes Jaebum would ask before he moved.

Like the sixth time they kissed that day, when Jinyoung was on his knees with his ass in the air trying to reach the coins from under the couch and Jaebum told him he would lift up the couch for him, but he was staring at his voluptuous butt for a whole twenty seconds before he pinched it and Jinyoung jumped up, knocking his head against the coffee table and looked up to Jaebum who was also down on his knees.

"Can I kiss you?"

"You _better_." Jinyoung had said, and Jaebum kissed him softly before he stayed true to his word and lifted up the couch so Jinyoung could crawl under it and grab the coins - which was worth a whole lot of nothing, but Jinyoung insisted that a pile of it could buy him candy, or something.

Just like that every little kiss was associated with a moment. The eleventh time they kissed, it was when Jaebum's mother woke up and Jinyoung teased him by kissing Jaebum in the hallway before she could find them. The fourtheenth time they kissed, it was on Jaebum's bed while he was reading a comic book. The sixteenth time, it was when Jaebum's father opened the door and found Jinyoung on top of his son.

"He just - had a speck of dust in his eye." Jinyoung had said, completely and utterly unable to look at Jaebum's father in the eye after that. Something about his laugh as he shut the door told Jinyoung that he didn't buy the excuse - Jaebum was mortified, and didn't dare to kiss him for the next two hours.

Which was exactly as dramatic as it sounded, because the seventeeth time they kissed, it was the first time they kissed with tongue and Jaebum was ready to drop on his knees and pray to the higher gods that Jinyoung would never leave him - because there was no better feeling that making out with Jinyoung on his bed, hands shyly on his face and Jinyoung's hands shyly grabbing the front of Jaebum's shirt, the noises they made making him dizzy and high on dopamine.

It felt like they discovered a whole new world so the rest of their kisses were heated and full of saliva and kissing noises and if Jaebum shyly let his hands wander down to the small of Jinyoung's back, then Jinyoung would grab them and plant them on his butt, telling, whispering, insisting that it was okay if Jaebum touched him a little more, a little lower, a little bit harder.

It was okay. They should have probably put a label on it, should have probably not let their hands wander as much as they did. They should have probably had a long, lengthy conversation about what they were doing and where they were going.

But at the time, Jinyoung and Jaebum were truly and wholeheartedly _comfortable_.

So for the first time in their lives, they did things according to their own rules, and it never felt better.

 

-

 

On the fourth day of their one week holiday and two days after their first kiss at the festival, a worry arose in Jaebum's mind and he wasn't sure how to break it down and go on about it. With all the kissing he and Jinyoung were doing, he almost forgot that Jinyoung thought that he had lost his virginity a long time ago. Not totally his fault, because Jaebum told him that he did - after all. He regretted it now.

Like, what if he disappointed Jinyoung and he would have to come out as a giant fraud who couldn't last anymore than five minutes - what if it didn't go as quickly and nicely like in the porn videos he watched when he was younger? He wanted to impress Jinyoung really badly, and the nerves kind of got the best of him. Of course he was thinking about Jinyoung sexually - it was inevitable.

A little seed that at first he didn't water out of guilt, but after the kiss became an unstoppable force that bursted its way into his mind and hadn't left ever since.

Which meant that sleeping next to Jinyoung was hard. Not yet literally, at least. It had only been two nights since their kiss, and although the first night he slept like a baby, the second night he lost about three hours of sleep - two hours of jittering around in his bed and the third with Jinyoung turning him around to calm him down and kiss him, effectively turning Jaebum's brain into jelly and all his stress melted with the kiss.

That night, Jaebum panted a lot in their kiss, and their breaths sped up and Jinyoung blushed pink and Jaebum put his hand under Jinyoung's shirt because Jinyoung told him that he could, and his skin was warm and Jinyoungs hand were on his chest and in his hair to pull him impossibly closer. Jaebum had never felt that way before - he could barely hold on to his thoughts, but Jinyoung's panting was a track he was going to play over and over again.

Their legs tangled into eachother, their breaths mingling and never having felt so aroused before, Jaebum squealed and turned around, telling Jinyoung they should sleep, even if Jinyoung seemed more than willing to go further than some pathetic hands-on-skin and bitten lips.

Jaebum thought it was too soon, and although he looked forward to _Jinyoung_ , he wasn't looking forward to loosing his virginity with his parents watching TV downstairs. Even if, all things considered, it would have been the most appropriate way to go.

Which was when he heard tippy taps walking down the wooden staircase at noon the day after their heated and handsy make-out session, and Jinyoung yawned when he widened his eyes at what Jaebum was doing.

"What is that?"

Jaebum didn't understand what he meant at first, until he looked down at the hammer in his hand and the piles of wood next to him on the floor by the couch with the sunlight hitting his face and his sleeves rolled up.

"Oh -" Jaebum said. "It's supposed to be a birdhouse."

"But you don't have birds."

Jaebum thought about it. "True - didn't think about that."

Jinyoung plopped down next to him, watching the unfinished birdhouse which was big and pretty and crafted really nicely. Which he expected, because Jaebum had great talent for anything artistic, taking after his parents, after all.

"Why did you decide to make a birdhouse?"

"I'm not sure - dad woke me up and threw the wood on the floor, telling me to get rid of it."

"So you decided to make a birdhouse?"

"Yeah, I guess," Jaebum said, shyly now. "Because I used to make them with my father too, you know?"

"I know." Jinyoung said, and he did. In fact, it was the first time he had seen Jaebum, and the first time Jaebum had seen Jinyoung over the riverbed while Jinyoung was catching mermaids that didn't exist and Jaebum was making a birdhouse for the birds he didn't have. He thought about it.

"Should we get birds?" Jaebum suddenly said, expecting Jinyoung's reply.

"Yeah," Jinyoung said. "Yeah, we should. Can I paint it?"

He could. Which was how they started to make their own birdhouse together - and this time it was going to have actually birds living in it, blue orange or yellow, Jaebum didn't mind which colours as long as it wasn't black. He was going to tell Jinyoung just this  until his mother walked down and saw the mess on the floor, yelling at the kids and telling them to do it outside after they mopped the floor and checked for splinters. They rushed up to do it.

 

-

 

Which was how they ended up on the riverbed hammering away ambitiously and surprisingly enough, neither of them got splinters stuck in their fingers which Jaebum was kind of dissappointed by, because he wanted to kiss Jinyoung's hands really badly.

"You know - I still want that tattoo." Jinyoung suddenly brought up while Jaebum was lost in thoughts of Jinyoung's hands and fingers and how nice and delicate they were in contrast to his own callused hands - courtesy of years of handcrafting and drawing and painting.

"What would you want?" Jaebum asked, cutting the wood with the metal saw.

Jinyoung thought about it. "I'm not sure - but I want you to design it for me."

Jaebum dropped his saw at this. He looked up at Jinyoung who, in turn, was looking at the riverbank with lint (supposed to be placed on top of the birdhouse) in his hands.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

Jinyoung nodded. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well," Jaebum was talking before he could process his thoughts and he doesn't remember a time in his life in which this worked out well for him. "You know - it's risky. What if you end up hating me and the tattoo will remind you of me? Wouldn't that be really bad?"

Jinyoung frowned. "You're already thinking of disappointing me?"

Jaebum panicked a little. "No! Of course not. It's just - you never know, you know?"

Jinyoung's expression darkened a little bit, he stopped looking at the flow of the river and looked down at his hands instead, wondering what to say next.

"I don't," He said. "I wouldn't be doing any of this if I knew," Which was when he should have stopped, but Jinyoung and Jaebum were a lot alike in many things, and speaking before their turn was one of them. "Or do you think that I mess with anyone? Is that what you think of me?"

Jinyoung broke the lint and realized that what he was saying was completely baseless and utterly emotional. He looked at Jaebum, who looked like he was about to cry even if Jinyoung should have been the one feeling bad in the first place.

"I didn't mean it like that," Jaebum said, stuttering a little. "I just - I don't want you to feel any kind of pain ever again," He paused. "I'm sorry Jinyoung."

Jinyoung's heart broke a little. "Then don't say things like that. Imagining leaving you is really sad, so don't say things like that so easily, asshole."

Which was when they looked at each other, and they knew that everything was alright. So Jaebum asked him if he could kiss him, and Jinyoung said that he could, so they kissed softly and Jaebum definitely still had a saw in his hand, but it didn't matter to Jinyoung.

"Three days and you're already making me feel bad - you're a terrible boyfriend."

He said it laughing but Jaebum was shocked out of his shell when he heard it - Jinyoung said it, he said it! Jaebum asked him to repeat himself, and after saying the same things four times, one after another, Jaebum said,

"Boyfriend?"

And Jinyoung sighed. "Of course! Why are you being so mean to me today? Isn't that what all of this is?"

"It is?" Jaebum asked, stupified. "We're - _boyfriends?_ "

"Unless you don't _want_ to be," Jinyoung pushed him softly. "But I'll be really, really mad at you if you tell me you don't."

Which was when Jaebum squealed and threw his saw on the grass and grabbed Jinyoung's face and kissed him so hard that he threw Jinyoung down with the force, and he kissed him for so long that he thought Jinyoung might have become his oxygen tank, because he wasn't out of breath yet.

" _Of course_ I want to be - I want to marry you, Jinyoungie!"

Which was as unexpected as it was silly and adorable, but before Jinyoung could say anything about that - Jaebum's father walked down to the riverside and catched the entire conversation, watching the both of them with darting eyes and crossed arms around his chest. Jaebum was the first to realize that he was there.

"That's cute," He said, which was funny because he was kind of intimidating and had tattoos on his neck and arms and back and legs and probably his feet. "But you should probably graduate before you think about marriage - Im Jaebum."

Jaebum looked defeated and he blushed and let his head fall in the crook of Jinyoung's neck, wishing he could disappear for a couple of hours and take Jinyoung with him.

"You better treat each other good," He said, before walking down and grabbing the saw from the grass. "Whoever cut this needs to get a beating."

Which was how Jaebum and Jinyoung the boyfriends ended up making a birdhouse with Jaebum's dad, smoking cigarettes and not pressing the matter further. Jinyoung appreciated it, Jaebum was lucky to have parents like that.

Jaebum smiled at him knowingly, like he was saying, _they're your parents too, Jinyoungie_. And Jinyoung figured that, in some way, somehow, they kind of were.

 

 

-

 

Whether they meticulously planned it or if it was honestly a spontaneous thing - Jaebum's parents announced that they were going to the capital for the next two days, and urged them to take care of the house and eat healthy. Jaebum's reaction was belated - at first he was happy to have have the house for themselves, until he realized that it meant being with Jinyoung for two days, alone, as boyfriends who haven't gone past kissing and kissing with tongue and kissing with some hands here and there.

Jinyoung seemed unaffected by it - except that inside, he was just as jittery and nervous about it as Jaebum was. Even if he thought that the older boy was completely unimpressed by the situation and had everything under control. He couldn't have been more wrong if he tried. Jinyoung helped Jaebum's parents with carrying the bags into the backseat of the car while Jaebum was in the bathroom, and waved them off before Jaebum's mother told him, 'be careful', and Jinyoung knew that there was a double meaning to it.

Jaebum's mind raced a mile per hour. He wasn't prepared - he need a manual and a step-by-step instruction course. He wanted to go further, he felt like he was dying every second he spent next to Jinyoung. He needed wise words to tell him what to do. Like, what kind of condoms are you even supposed to buy, and how does everything lead up to the grand event? Jaebum washed his face and slapped his cheeks. 

He could do it. Even if he couldn't, he was going to do it.

Which was when Jinyoung knocked on the door, and Jaebum almost jumped out of his skin.

"Uh - are you alright?" Jaebum asked, opening the door a bit to hard and it smacked against the wall. Jinyoung frowned at him and grinned.

"Yeah - I just need to buy something for dinner tonight."

"Oh, I'll be down in a second." Jaebum said, already moving to his room to grab his jacket.

"No!" Jinyoung said a bit too eagerly, Jaebum turned around.

"Why?"

"B-because," Jinyoung thought about it. "Because you need to cut potatoes. Teamwork, you know."

Jaebum didn't think much more about it even if Jinyoung seemed way too nervous about going to the supermarket to buy some salt and pepper. But Jaebum didn't see that, because he was too nervous himself. 

"Oh - sure." He concluded, and Jinyoung smiled satisfied before he went on his toes to kiss his nose again.

"I love you, Jaebummie."

Jaebum was ready faint and fall headfirst into the floor to crack his skull open. Thankfully, he did none of that and blushed instead, watching Jinyoung swing his hips towards their room, coming out of it seconds later wearing Jaebum's oversized sweater, which looked better on Jinyoung that it ever looked on himself. It was unfair. Jinyoung was so unfair.

 

-

 

Mark was reluctant to open the door when the bell rang, the loud noise almost scared him - he jumped up from the couch with his heart racing a mile a minute, swallowing hard and automatically muted the television in case it was the landlord who was finally going to bend Mark's arm on his back and kick him out of the house and call his parents in Seoul over legal troubles. He didn't want that. No, no he would have much rather died if that was going to happen. So he stayed quiet and could hear his heart beat in his ears, until he heard a loud voice that was so familiar - so nostalgic and warm, Mark almost cried on the spot.

"It's me!" Jackson yelled from downstairs. Mark didn't have it in him to say anything back, so he stayed put.

Seconds turned into minutes and the bell rang a couple more times before it stopped. Five minutes passed and Jackson stopped calling out for him. Mark assumed that he got tired and finally left - of course would. Until he didn't, and the voice with an accent shouted one more time.

"I know you're there, at least dump me face to face - coward."

It was supposed to be a joke. Mark laughed. Jackson made him laugh. 

Which was how, before Jackson could crack out anymore funny comments at him from downstairs, Mark opened the window behind the couch, and, just like that, covered by his warm blankets, he looked at Jackson who hadn't seen him yet.

Jackson had dyed his hair black again, he was wearing a leather jacket and a dark red shirt under it, he looked a little cold, and Mark couldn't blame him because the wind was kind of chilly. He looked at Jackson, wishing he could open his mouth and say something comforting, but nothing came out. He hadn't talked to anyone in days, hadn't talked to anyone but Jinyoung, nurses and Jaebum for literal months. He was nervous - he was so nervous.

That was, until Jackson looked up and noticed Mark from his window, his hair peeking out in every direction and looking warm and snuggly under his blanket. He smiled so wide and warm, Mark wondered if it was really directed at him in the first place.

"I knew you would get around, Juliet," Jackson beamed, and quickly got a packet of chocolate out of his pocket. "Listen - before you dump me, at least accept maltesers as a bribe, yeah? white chocolate?"

It was so ridiculous and crazy that Mark laughed, covered his mouth with his hands and he hadn't felt that way in a very long time, so he welcomed the feeling not because he wanted to - but because Jackson forced the door open and made him realize that he deserved some happiness, too. 

"Jeez, Mark - what a way to treat a man. First you hang up their call, then you leave them out in the cold and now you laugh at them? You're terrible."

"Jackson you're so silly." Mark almost shouted between the giggles as Jackson theatrically pretended to be heartbroken.

He could not stop laughing.

Hard and loud for the entire world to hear.

Mark Tuan was there, and he was going to laugh if he wanted to.

Jackson smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um, this might be one of my favourite chapters I've written, and I hope you guys have enjoyed reading this fluff-fest as much as I have enjoyed writing it <3 I think there are going to be three more chapters here, and the next one will be exploring all of JJPs sexual escapades and stuff. Mark and Jackson made my heart hurt. virgin boi Jaebum and experienced Jinyoung make me happy. Anyways, thank you for reading and tell me what you think !!!!


	11. Chapter Eleven.

Of course Jinyoung wasn't exactly dying to go out and by some pickles for him and Jaebum to eat that night. No, Jinyoung was a man on a mission - and that mission was planned and executed completely on the whim. What that meant was that Jinyoung walked into one of the two drugstores in their town which also served as a bootleg pharmacy that had all the over-the-counter drugs you could ever imagine.

Naturally, it was also the place to go to if you needed condoms - unless you wanted to buy them anonymously and in bulk in the town next to theirs, but Jinyoung didn't have the time or the heart for it.

Even so, he hadn't ever bought them himself. Mark always had them in the nightstand when they used them, and completely overlooked the matter when they were used up and gone. That said, he had seen the packet they were in and Jinyoung assumed that taking the same size and brand was the safest choice. He knew there were more than one type, and frankly he envied women for having it so easy - pop a pill in and they're good to go. Which was a childish and irresponsible thought, but Jinyoung was never known for his thoughtfulness.  
  
Which was how, in his sweatpants and oversized white shirt (which he usually used to sleep in - not like anyone was going to know) and sneakers the bell of the old-fashioned drugstore rang as he opened the door, and the lady who had seen him and every other kid in town grow up smiled.

"Jinyoung - did your mother forget something?" She said, putting white pills in their packets, and Jinyoung quickly catched the brand name 'Dormicum' on them. Too startled to think about it, he frowned at the lady.

"Uh - sorry?" His heartbeat sped up a little, jumped at the image of his mother. He hadn't seen her in so long, so long and suddenly he felt homesick longing for a home that had spat him out in the first place. His legs got wobbly so he put his hands on the counter, hoping the woman wouldn't notice he was shaking.

"Oh didn't you know? Your mom was here ten minutes ago." Then she looked worried.

"Oh," Jinyoung said, getting himself together. "Oh, right," He breathed in. "Um - what did she buy?"

He did his best to sound collected, and the woman looked like she was weighting out the pros and cons of telling him about her purchase.

Eventually she sighed.

"Just some coughing syrup." And she put the pills in the cabinet.

Jinyoung wished he didn't feel bad imagining his mother dealing with a cold by herself - in the house that was way too big for a sole middle aged woman. He felt bad, he wanted to knock on her door and hug her tight. He couldn't - much less could he do it then. So he tried to eliminate the thought, did his best to forget about it.

So he looked up at the woman again. "I'm actually here for myself - I need some condoms for a friend."

The woman giggled. "Oh, sure."

So Jinyoung pointed at the yellow pack he recognized from Mark's apartment, and the woman nodded and grabbed it from under the glass, placing it on the counter and telling him the price. Jinyoung gulped, asked her to maybe add so lubricant to that, and paid up.

"You should come by more often kid, I haven't seen you in forever!" She said, and before Jinyoung close the door, he waved at her and said,

"A lot of things happened!"

And it was only when the door shut behind his back when he realized that, yes - a lot of things had happened. For better or worse - Jinyoung strongly believed that everything happened for a reason and everything that happened was necessary. He found comfort with that thought, not religious but completely personal, and, so, felt a little bit better when he took the first step to his new home - where Jaebum was.

 

-

 

The point of the matter was that with every passing second and every potato that he peeled, Jaebum got more and more anxious by the tick of the clock when he looked up to realize that he had been cutting potatos for approximately twenty minutes, and that he had cut enough to serve a small family. He wondered how it got out of hand, but almost gasped at the quick thought of the word - family. It was stupid, childish and definitely unrealistic, but Jaebum let his imagination get the better of him and he imagined Jinyoung and Jaebum as parents, having potato salad for dinner with their two daughters.

They'd have a pretty house made out of wood and they'd live in a small town. Perhaps not their home town, but a town nonetheless. Jaebum would have cooked for them, and Jinyoung would've said that he loved the food he made. Their daughters, still toddlers, would eat their vegetables good and then they'd tuck them in bed. Satisfied and happy.

The thought was so overwhelming that he cut too quickly, and suddenly there was blood on the counter and on his fingers.

Which was, as expected in Jaebum's life of incredible coincidences - the exact moment that Jinyoung sing-songed into the house with a 'honey I'm home!' and a couple of giggles.

"Don't come in!" Jaebum warned loudly and suspiciously, and went on his knees to find the knife that he had accidentally dropped. Nowhere to be found, much like his dignity at the time, and his finger still bleeding a river for no reason at all. If Jinyoung saw him like that, he'd surely laugh at him.

"Why? Cheating on me already?" Jinyoung joked, walking into the kitchen regardless of what Jaebum had to say about it, and gasped at the picture of the blood on the floor and the kitchen, and Jaebum on his knees.

Which was how Jinyoung ended up opening all of the different drawers in the house (and trust him, they had a lot of them) to find band-aids and kissed Jaebum's fingers before he plastered one on his index finger, cleaning up the counter for him shortly afterwards, and asking him what he had done to cut himself.

Jaebum was embarrassed. "Nothing."

Jinyoung hummed all-knowingly, and put the cut (and clean) potatos in a pot of cold water before putting them in the fridge for later that night. Thankfully Jaebum forgot to ask what Jinyoung had to buy due to all the commotion, so Jinyoung settled with calling it luck on an unlucky situation, even if Jaebum had cut way to many potatos for either of them to eat.

It was so domestic that Jaebum got bashful.

"Hey Jinyoungie," He suddenly said, watching his boyfriend from behind, sitting on the kitchen table while he cleaned the dishes. "Do you - want to watch a movie?"

Jinyoung smiled.

Jaebum couldn't see that.

"Of _course_."

 

-

 

The age old movie trick was a classic for a reason. A cliché, a teenage stereotype. Jinyoung was convinced even adults used the movie excuse to get it on without feeling awkward about it - maybe he still wasn't adult enough to get it. Of course, how else would two people go on about fucking? Jinyoung doesn't know what he would say. 'Hey, I'm horny and you look good so put your dick in me please?' just wasn't going to cut it for a first time. But that was just Jinyoung's opinion.

So they plopped on the couch when the sun was still up, sitting with a space between them which felt unnatural and like it shouldn't have been there. But everytime Jinyoung sat a little bit closer, Jaebum wiggled towards the edge like he was trying to sit on the armrest instead. There was too much couch for so little people. Jinyoung was annoyed and he hadn't realized that the movie was halfway finished until he looked at the screen.

Jinyoung didn't understand that Jaebum felt like his heart was quite literally going to burst out of his chest and create a little catastrophe in their living room. No, Jinyoung had all the intentions of going forth, and Jaebum was not responding to his advances. Not like he did it on purpose, Jinyoung just made him feel nervous when he looked so gorgeous.

Visibly annoyed, Jinyoung stopped trying to get closer to Jaebum and leaned back instead - deciding to instead soak up the movie, wondering what he did for Jaebum to avoid him the way he did.

Which was how the movie ended, and if you asked either of them they wouldn't be able to answer any question about it. Not that anyone was going to ask them in the first place, so they weren't going to answer, either.

About to open his mouth to ask Jaebum what his problem was, briefly noting that the evening had set and the stars were blinking in the sky, kitchen lights lightening up the dark living room - Jaebum stood up immediately.

"I'll make dinner." He announced a little too eagerly, and was in the kitchen before Jinyoung could complain about it.

So the next _obvious_ course of action for Jinyoung was to be offended and make sure to let Jaebum know how annoyed he was with him without directly telling him that he was. So he passive aggressively sat in the kitchen table chair reading a magazine he wasn't interested in all the while Jaebum hummed to a song Jinyoung wasn't sure even existed.

He hated how unaffected Jaebum seemed by this - so he got even more annoyed and loudly smacked the magazine on the table, which was when, finally, his boyfriend turned around to look at him for the first time in two hours.

"What did you do that for?"

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow at him. Admittedly, he was being kind of bratty - but Jinyoung felt like it was justified so he was going to continue with the act.

"I'm going to your room. Don't talk to me." Jinyoung announced, and turned around to go up to their room, hoping that Jaebum was going to grab his wrist and confess his eternal and undying love for him on the spot - He didn't.

"Okay." Jaebum simply said, shrugging and taking the pot off the kettle which was whistling too much, and Jinyoung got angrier with every creaky step he took on the staircase. Which was when he decided he wanted to take a shower, and came up with his pefect plan.

 

-

 

Meanwhile, Jaebum mentally smacked himself ten times in under five minutes and at least a hundred times in the two hours he and his boyfriend _didn't_ spend being romantic and touching each other, but instead spent it shoulder-to-shoulder, watching a movie they weren't interested in.

Jaebum was uncertain of how to handle those situations - so he avoided the situation entirely, walking in large circles around the field before the ball was eventually going to knock him out. He expected Jinyoung was the player, but almost crawled up the walls when it turned out he was the ball, instead.

Twenty minutes had passed and dinner was almost finished when he heard footsteps walk down the staircase and Jaebum promised himself he was going to talk to Jinyoung about it. That was, until he saw the object of his love and affection.

In Jaebum's oversized shirt, and in Jinyoung's own shorts. Jaebum was bewildered, and immediately asked him if he was warm, or something. Jinyoung shrugged.

"Thought that you weren't interested." He said, and went on his toes to grab the plates and Jaebum could fully appreciate the shape of his thighs and his full, round ass which was perky for no reason. He felt the incessant need to grab it with both his hands and maybe make Jinyoung squirm, but he was also semi-paralyzed by the perpetrator, so he didn't.

"Just sit down." Jaebum almost begged, and took the plates from Jinyoung's hands, settling behind his back before they could fall and Jinyoung could feel Jaebum's chest on his back and his crotch on his butt - but nothing happened.

Jaebum was off of his body as quickly as he got on it, and Jinyoung felt defeated enough to sit down, ready to cry.

Not that Jaebum was going to notice that - because he was too busy yelling at himself for acting the way he was acting. He almost dropped the water when he filled Jinyoung's cup, and they ate in an uncomfortable silence which wasn't even eased out by the sound of channel seven radio.

"Am I not attractive enough to you?" Jinyoung suddenly asked, food half eaten and knife thrown on the plate. He was upset and never expected to not be enough for Jaebum, the thought of him not wanting him making him upset.

Jaebum was bewildered enough to snap out of his thoughts, and said,

"What?"

"You won't even touch me!" Jinyoung argued, and hated how needy he sounded. "I've been trying to get close to you for the past three hours and you won't give me the time of day."

"Oh Jinyoung," Jaebum stood up, realizing how silly he sounded. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way - I just, didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You're _not_ him," Jinyoung said out of nowhere. "You're _not_ him so stop being so careful with me - I _want_ this," And whispered. "With _you_."

"I'm sorry," And he meant it. "I absolutely want you, but I- I'm nervous."

He blushed, Jinyoung frowned at him.

"That's a _terrible_ excuse."

Jaebum shook his head. "I'm serious - I've never done it before."

"That's even worse."

"I lied to you," Jaebum said. "I never did it with Stella."

Jinyoung put two and two together, and he almost fell out of his seat when he realized what that meant - Jaebum, his precious Jaebum who he had always seen as so much more adult and experienced and mature than him, was a virgin.

"Why did you make that up?" Jinyoung asked.

"I was jealous," Jaebum admited bitterly. "So I guess that was my way of trying to make you jealous, too," He laughed softly. "I don't think it worked - but you've been driving me mad forever now. I just don't want to disappoint you, Jinyoungie."

Since he was looking down at his plate, forking the vegetables pathetically, Jaebum didn't realize when Jinyoung stood up and yanked him up by his shirt, kissing him with food in his mouth and it wasn't as gross as it should have been.

"You're such an idiot." Jinyoung said, and kissed Jaebum until they hit the wall, and from the wall Jaebum stopped kissing him for some air, and after that Jinyoung led them to the couch - straddling him the way he should have hours ago, and kissed his boyfriend feverishly.

Jaebum kissed back, pulling him closer to his chest, and Jinyoung panting loudly, muttering something about how Jaebum could never ever disappoint him, and something welled up inside of Jaebum that was more than just a physical feeling of _wants_ and _needs_.

"It'll be fine." Jinyoung assured him.

So they bumped noses and giggled at the mistake, Jaebum rubbed circles for a little too long in the same spot and his kissing-hand coordination was amateur level at best, but Jinyoung felt like he got dragged up to his personal seventh heaven.

Which was when Jaebum grabbed Jinyoung's butt and squeezed it hard, simuntaneously pulling closer and kissing his neck like he had seen them do in all the romantic movies Jinyoung liked - Jinyoung laughed.

"Am I that bad?" Jaebum asked, blushed.

Jinyoung shook his head.

"You're the _best_."

With Jaebum awkwardly getting on top of Jinyoung on the couch, with him taking Jinyoung's shirt off and exposing his pretty chest and hips and small waist - taking his own shirt off and revealed his own body which was a little leaner that Jinyoung's, less curves and more pale muscles. They were breathless over each other, suddenly hungry for one another, so Jaebum kissed him harder than he had ever kissed him before, and Jinyoung put his hands in his hair out of necessity of having him closer.

"I - I'm just guessing what to do here." Jaebum said, and Jinyoung wondered if he should have taken the lead instead but Jaebum looked so proud of himself when he took his pants off a little too quickly and Jinyoung was somewhat hard. Half the job done, he thought, and he put his hand on it like he would do on his own. He could do this.

So Jinyoung moaned - partially out of how hot he was feeling and partially because he wanted to give Jaebum some motivation. Jaebum leaned down to nibble on his neck and it was definitely going to bruise later on.

Which was the exact moment where he started laughing hard - and perhaps laughing with your boyfriends hands on your dick and his face on your neck isn't the place or time to do it, but Jinyoung, at the time, thought that it was the best moment to laugh.

"What?" Jaebum sat straight immediately, scandalized and bashful.

"You don't have to try so hard, Jaebummie." He said, and put his hand on Jaebum's cheek, appreciating his shy moments.

Jaebum grunted, and kissed Jinyoung's hands before moving down and kissing him again, whipsering a short 'alright' against his lips before Jinyoung unbuckled his belt and stroked up and down his strong thighs.

"Let me see what you have here." He said, supposed to sound sexy but sounding greasy instead - it was Jaebum's turn to laugh, but he obliged and let Jinyoung take his belt off completely for him, unzipping them and with some difficulty and a lot of stretchy poses, Jaebum wiggled out of his jeans.

"Now let me blow you." And he did, Jinyoung pushed him forward lightly and took his boxers off, taking him in his hand and sucking on the head. Jaebum wanted to protest, but saw the stars instead and the hand that was supposed to push Jinyoung away scratched into his shoulder instead.

He moaned embarrassingly loud with the way Jinyoung was working his mouth, taking him all in and staying there, waiting for Jaebum to move. Which he did, with one hand on Jinyoung's shoulder he thrusted up in his mouth before Jinyoung got off with a pop and saliva down his chin.

"Do you want to do it?" He asked, eyes blown and his lips plumper than usual.

Jaebum didn't think that he was going to survive, but he nodded regardless, before he realized a couple of things.

"Don't-" He said. "Don't we need like, lube for this?"

Jinyoung gave him chaste kiss.

"They're in my sweatpants."

With some more of this and a little of that, laugther in between the moans and Jinyoung looking up to Jaebum, adoring every change of his expressions, Jaebum was generous with the preparation so not to hurt Jinyoung, and was driven by instincts when he got inside him, almost having him topple over from the feeling.

Needless to say, neither last long but they both saw the stars anyways. Jinyoung had done it before, but not quite like that. 

Sweaty young and on the couch Jaebum's parents watched TV on. It was morbid and kind of gross, it was more awkward that it was sexy, more laughs and giggles than there were moans and pants - even so, Jaebum wouldn't have changed his first time for anything.

With that thought, he passed out in sleep on top of Jinyoung, his boyfriend, as they recovered their breathing and said nothing. Words might have officially ended their moment, and neither was ready for that. Funnily enough, it had a double meaning.

First times are always awkward, but with Jinyoung and Jaebum, they wouldn't have had it any other way.

Even if their food got cold.

-

 

Since childhood Jinyoung needed validation from others to feed his ego.

Jinyoung was egoistical, self-centred and sometimes he could be the meanest person Jaebum had ever known. Jinyoung, from childhood to adulthood wouldn't think twice of hurting someone out of curiousity. You know - see what pushes their buttons, what they look like when they're swung out of their comfort zone.

Jinyoung wasn't made out of clay but he told himself he could be if it meant he was going to receive some sort of validation from others. Don't be mistaken though, it wasn't like Jinyoung had a god complex, and he wasn't necessarily evil - he just liked to feel in control, even if to everyone else it looked like he wasn't.

It was past midnight, a couple of of blowjobs and one cold pizza after their first time on the couch. Jaebum had Jinyoung pinned down on his bed, and Jaebum couldn't believe how his first time awkwardness melted like snow with the sun, that quickly and easily.

The roles seemed to be reversed - Jaebum wanted more but Jaebum was never good at asking nicely.

"Do you want to slap me?" Jinyoung asked, or more like _said_ with Jaebum's thumb on his bottom lip looking at him with so much lust and warmth that Jinyoung felt dizzy and hot - he was going to pass out, and it was going to be Jaebum's fault. "You can, if you want."

Jinyoung looked like the doll but was actually the puppeteer, and it woke something up in Jaebum that Jinyoung had wanted to see for a very long time.

Jinyoung suspected that beyond the fluffy exterior Jaebum had a dominating streak in him. He had seen hints of it a handful of times in his life before - like when he played football and shouted out instructions that got them their first win. Like when Jaebum seemed like he turned to stone when Mark had Jinyoung on his lap and he didn't rip his gaze away from the two. Like when he loved it when Jinyoung dressed up pretty for parties, and how he'd get jealous when anyone tried to hit on him. He had seen it, but had never seen it so up close and personal.

Which was when Jaebum dipped his thumb in Jinyoung's mouth, and Jinyoung sucked on it slowly at first, before Jaebum forced it further in his heat - feeling on his gums and his teeth, pressing his tongue down and loving the way Jinyoung's plump and abused lips felt like around him. He forced it out with a pop, and traced down towards his collarbones, tricking the saliva from his lips to his chin.

"Did he hit you?" Jaebum asked. It felt random, but Jinyoung had expected it sooner or later as Jaebum moved his hand up again, this time keeping it around his neck - with a hint of pressure but giving Jinyoung time to answer him - because he demanded one, Jinyoung could feel it.

He had no reason to lie - it was so intimate that he didn't feel like he could get away with it, even if he wanted to.

"Yeah." He admitted.

Jaebum's grip got a little tighter - just right.

"During sex or outside of it?"

Jinyoung let out a faint sigh. "Both."

Which was when he pressed down - Jinyoung felt lightheaded, felt so good and dirty but loved and cherished at the same time. He was completely submissive to Jaebum, completely willing to let him take control of his body in that exact moment. So Jaebum did his best to do a good job at it, he kissed him hard, appreciating every gasp coming from his mouth, then he whispered.

"Bend over for me, baby."

 

-

 

Jinyoung was a tease. A hopeless, attention-loving, affection-craving, needy tease who _needed_ to feel needed. Felt good knowing who he had wrapped around his finger, felt empowered by looking beautiful.

So he sat on Jaebum's lap, wiggled in it enough to feel him, and Jaebum's hitched his breath and grabbed Jinyoung's hips to either beg him to stop or to have some sort of control over the situation which he was loosing by the millisecond and each centimeter of exposed skin.

"We just got out of the shower." Jaebum said, bunching up Jinyoung's shirt around his wrists to expose his lower back and small waist that lead to his plump butt which had no business looking as good and perky as it did without exercise.

"I wanna see you wearing a dress." Jaebum said absent-mindedly.

Jinyoung immediately stopped his grinding, and looked over his shoulder.

"I'll keep that in mind."

Jaebum had no idea what he was talking about, but he hummed in agreement anyway - because Jinyoung could rope him into doing anything, and Jaebum would have probably been fine with that. Which was how the moment ended with Jinyoung having a hickey on his lower back, and with Jaebum coming embarrassingly fast and in his pants after dry humping on the couch. Jinyoung was never going to let him live it down.

 

-

 

You'd think they'd have gotten tired of countless make-out sessions, grinding and other unspeakable acts of dick sucking and positions Jinyoung didn't think he could ever reach, but frankly, neither of them were counting. All they knew was that Jaebum's mother called in the middle of Jinyoung being between Jaebum's legs, and jinyoung encouraged him to pick up the phone.

They were staying a day or two longer because his fathers client wasn't satisfied with the job, and if his mother heard Jaebum grunt when Jinyoung bit her sons inner thigh, then she wasn't going to say anything.

"Don't forget that you have school soon." She said, and good thing she did - because neither of them was counting time, and neither of them felt like they should have been anywhere but there.

For the rest of eternity.

-

 

The fourth time they did it, it was when Jaebum bent Jinyoung over the kitchen counter and the bright kitchen clock ticked midnight and the cars passed by the streets and he could see the pretty river while he felt the cold tiles of the counter against his chest.

The fourth time they did it, it was when they had a brief argument over the TV remote and Jaebum and Jinyoung pushed and pulled as much as they could, more on Jinyoung's part because he wanted to see Jaebum loose control completely, and partially Jaebum because he couldn't stand (but also wouldn't be able to live without) Jinyoung's bratty side.

"You aren't that big of a man after all." Jinyoung had laughed, sweatpants on and with his feet on the coffee table.

"What does _that_ have to do with _you_ not knowing when to stop?" Jaebum bit back, and Jinyoung joked that maybe he had to find someone who could put up with his demands better than Jaebum could. As expected, this didn't float well with Jaebum, and Jinyoung got the much needed reaction he wanted.

It sounded serious but the both of them felt safe and knew that, above it all, it was just the give-and-take before some hot scene from their homemade porn film. Which was exactly how Jaebum had chased Jinyoung to the kitchen, and locked Jinyoung between his arms, putting both his hands on the counter next to Jinyoung's hips, and he looked up at him cockily - like Jinyoung hadn't see him do in a very long time.

"Repeat that please? I don't think I heard you correctly."

Jinyoung gulped, eyes completely focused on Jaebum's parted lips. "I said, maybe I should find someone who can keep up with my demands."

"I don't think you want that." Jaebum laughed bitterly.

"Any reason I shouldn't keep my options open?"

And he gave him several, because it was the best sex Jinyoung had ever had, with Jaebum's hands in his hair and the windows of the kitchen gross with Jinyoung's handprints, the starry night looking beautiful and the reflection of a fully clothed Jaebum giving it to him from behind turning him on immensely, his arms flexing and his own lips being red and swollen, Jaebum's collarbones exposing the hickeys Jinyoung had left before.

"I love you, baby." Jaebum said, letting go of his hair and kissing his nape instead.

Jinyoung was hopelessly in love.

He was okay with that.

 

-

 

Frankly, Jaebum was dominant in every aspect of his life and gave his parents and their strong, individualistic personality the blame for it. He grew up with too many artbooks and philosopher quotes, and although other adults might have called them irresponsible for exposing a child to such liberal ideologies, Jaebum was grateful for giving him the space to be himself - unapologetically and fearlessly. 

Even so, growing up in a house of artists had its own ups and downs. Despite never feeling pressured to do anything, Jaebum definitely believed that his childhood had a hand in him becoming as dominant as he was. Even so, if Jinyoung asked him to go on his knees and kiss his feet, then Jaebum would do it without any hesitation. Long story short, he was a fool for Jinyoung, and Jinyoung was a fool for him. 

They were expected to pick up their lives and finish school, Jaebum wasn't sure, and in fact kind of feared how everything was going to go down and how Jinyoung was going to take it in, so he bit his lips in worry. He thought about seeing Mark again, seeing Jackson and Leslie and everyone else of their old friend group. He briefly felt overwhelmed at the thought of everything going back to the way it was, like it nothing had happened, briefly worried that he was going to wake up and Jinyoung wasn't his boyfriend, that Jinyoung was still with his mother, and that Jinyoung was still getting to know Mark. He would still be doing drugs for fun, and his parents would know but not say anything to him.

Which was when he realized that no, things had changed, and nothing was the same. Mark changed, Jinyoung changed, Jaebum changed and it would have been selfish to think that everyone else stayed stagnant. Things had changed, and everything was real.

It took him a couple of seconds to take it in.

 

 

-

 

Jaebum suspected that he was dating a nynphoniac when two nights before they were expected to go back to school Jinyoung sat on Jaebum's lap when they were supposed to sleep, feathering gently over his chest with his fingers and adoring how broad his shoulders were. They had done it five different times in five different positions that day, and frankly Jaebum hadn't done that much exercise in his whole entire life before.

So he looked up to his boyfriend - incredulous over his stamina.

 

"You don't have to do anything, just let me ride you."

Jaebum's eyes would have popped out of their eye sockets if they could but it was difficult so he kicked and protested instead, pretending to be annoyed.

"Is my dick _that_ good?"

Jinyoung smacked his chest at this, and Jaebum giggled at his reaction.

"Who would have thought little virgin boy could get that heroic?"

"Alright, but I'm not moving." Jaebum declared, and Jinyoung nodded eagerly like he was a kitten who had just been told he could eat drink and bathe in milk for the rest of its seven lives. Hm, Jinyoung with kitten ears, purring for Jaebum. He was saving that thought for later.

Which was how Jinyoung had tied his hands to the bedrest, Jaebum's sweatpants down to his thighs and both their shirts on, and Jinyoung panted and moaned, bouncing up and down his boyfriends dick like it was the best thing he ever had. His eyes closed and his thighs flexing, speaking short sentences between his short breaths, and Jaebum was whipped.

"Thank you, daddy." Jinyoung had chirped before plopping down next to him unbothered by how wet and sticky his thighs were, and Jaebum would have fallen asleep, but not before he processed Jinyoung's words and jumped up immediately.

"Wait, _daddy?_ " He screeched before he realized that he was still very much tied to the bedframe, which resulted in him moving to fast and almost twisting his arm in the process of it, smacking down against the metal of the bedrest and hurting his head.

Jinyoung giggled softly, hoping Jaebum didn't realize that he was awake.

 

-

 

Mark loved chocolate. He liked all kinds of chocolate, but Jackson knew that white vanilla was his absolute favourite. Mark was also the only person Jackson knew who could eat an entire bar of pure, black chocolate and overtime, Jackson thought that the extravagant taste suited his personality well. Which was why he had bought chocolate sticks from the festival, and split it in two to give one part to Mark, who was walking looking at the floor, looking small to everyone else but looking big and strong as ever to Jackson.

"Let's go somewhere quieter." Jackson said when he noticed that Mark was uncomfortable around people in the festival, so Mark nodded and followed Jackson, grabbing his sleeve and letting him lead the way towards a spot down the riverbank, the hustle of the festival becoming background music, and children playing with fire and parents yelling at them to be careful right behind them. 

Mark watched and laughed at the scene, his face lit up by the bonfire the kids were surrounding as they made paper cranes. A thousand of them. One of them seeming particularly mesmerized by the colour of the fire. 

Which was when he realized that Jackson was watching him watching others, from the corner of his eye and the chocolate stick in his mouth, lying down and looking up to him, puppy dog eyes.

"What?" Mark asked, awkward, and looked at his shoes immediately.

Jackson smiled. "It's been a minute, Juliet."

"Please stop calling me that." Mark laughed.

So Jackson sat straight and turned around to face Mark directly, and he started talking about how everyone was doing - from Krystal and Amber being the perfect couple to Yugyeom falling in love with his neighbour, because he felt that Mark wanted to know all of that, even if he wasn't go to ask him directly. He told him about the day he got sick from touching a poisenous flower, and then he told him about how how his grandmother came to visit.

Mark listened carefully.

"How's your girlfriend?" Mark asked after he was finished, because he had mentioned about everyone except for her.

Jackson seemed to consider the question. "She's in Russia for a competition." He answered, and Mark believed him.

"How are you?" Jackson then asked, throwing the ball in Mark's court, and he could choose whether he was going to pick it up or throw it back. He thought about it, felt hot from the question, breathing a little more difficult than before, but then he looked at Jackson's face, and he relaxed. It was Jackson, and he was giving him a chance to explain himself if he wanted to.

It was Jackson, who all things considered, was the only person who came back to him and didn't give up on him. It was Jackson, his bestfriend and the one person who knew every crook and cranny of his life. For some reason, it felt safe with him.

So he thought about the question, opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again.

"Not very good," And then he realized that no, he wasn't doing good. "Not good at all, I don't know what to do, Jackson."

He cried. For the first time in a long time he let himself cry and his food fell on the wood they were sitting on, he felt lighter almost immediately, he felt a little bit better. That was, until Jackson took him in his embrace, hard and Jackson-like, warm and cozy just like he was.

So Mark cried, and if Jackson noticed that he was using his shirt to wipe his nose and eyes with, Jackson wasn't going to say it. Instead he let him cry, and instead he let him talk between tears and sobs that were heavy like the weight of his sadness. He was sad, genuinely _sad_ and he hadn't admitted it to himself until he admitted it to someone else.

Mark confessed everything like he was at church - from his grandmothers condition to everything he did to Jinyoung, confessed that no human being should do what he had done to the person he most definitely loved, and how scared he was that they were going to send him back to Seoul if authorities found out that he wasn't paying the bills and living alone, underaged. Jackson listened to him, and Mark cried for about twenty minutes until he was finished and Jackson had taken it all in. He sighed.

"And I'm sure you all hate me now - I would hate me too." Mark said, and stopped crying.

Jackson held him tighter.

"That's not it," He said. "We don't hate you at all. It's just confusing," It was confusing. "You've had it tough, I'm here for you - we'll figure something out."

So Jackson briefly wondered if he was a bad person for staying by Mark's side and telling him it was going to be alright after what he had done to Jinyoung. He was defending the aggressor, and he didn't ever think he was going to be like that.

Except that he used to think that everything was black and white, because it was easier that way to live with oneself and easier to judge others. That was, until he realized that it wasn't easy at all, and Mark wasn't a bad person. Mark was far from being a bad person.

It was complicated, but he had to keep it together for Mark's sake. Which was why, when Mark looked up at him and kissed him without hesitation, Jackson let him. He knew Mark didn't feel _that_ way about him, and Jackson didn't feel _that_ way about Mark either, but Mark needed comfort and, perhaps, Jackson needed him to feel comfortable. 

Mark kissed him for a less than a minute, short, faces hot from the fire.

"Thank you."

Jackson's lips were wet.

"Sure thing."

Which was when a paper crane of one of the children fell in the water, and an alarmed Jackson immediately went in it to save it for him. The kid jumped in glee and thanked the cool, older boy who was kissing his bestfriend, and Mark, for the first time in long time, felt that, yes, everything was going to be _alright._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today on How Much Smut And Kinks Can I Fit In One Chapter, we get a disappoint amout of Not That Many. Anyways, I feel like the smut here felt really disjointed and out of place and random, so I'm not too happy with this chapter, but I figured that fretting over it was just going to stall it even more. Which means, two (?) more chapters and we're finished.  
> Tell me what you think! Do you want to see a little more on Mark and Jackson? Will JJP live happily ever after? Thank you for reading !


	12. Chapter Twelve.

first kiss anxiety and primary school jitteriness.

Jinyoung briefly remembered his first kiss, in the wake of the evening in which he was cleaning already spotless tables with a rag that made his fingers burn like cigarette ashes. He remembered the taste of dollar store chapstick and her mothers perfume. He remembered what the weather was like that day, and he remembered how sad Jaebum looked when he told him about it.

It was the day before their final semester began, and neither Jaebum or Jinyoung could sleep that night.

Jaebum was sensitive and aware to everything Jinyoung was doing that day. Whether it was overcompensating by cleaning or distracting himself by turning up the radio as loud as possible.

They ate pancakes that day, but they were old and tasted funny.

"Please calm down." Jaebum said, but his commanding tone died on his tongue and he looked sad instead.

Jinyoung continued wiping the desk and his hands were getting scabs from the dish wash soap.

He didn't answer Jaebum. Jinyoung was nervous, so so nervous and he couldn't sit still without jerking his knees up and down. Jaebum couldn't bare to watch his boyfriend like that (or perhaps he couldn't bare himself when his boyfriend was like that) so Jaebum stood up to kiss him against the desk and Jinyoung's hips would have hurt if it didn't feel so nice - resting his restless mind with every mingle of their breaths.

Jaebum wasn't going to say it, but calming down Jinyoung was really just a fruitless attempt of calming down himself.

 

-

 

The radio was turned off because it didn't feel right to listen to music in the early hours of the morning in which the darkness stubbornly guarded their town like trained wardens and the fog was thick and nauseating, Jinyoung felt the urge to topple over and call in sick for the day.

Moreover there was no more jam left in the cupboards and the pancakes tasted like rotten, outdated milk that had Jaebum's stomach churning and he wondered how much of it was because of the pancake, and how much of it was because of his nerves.

"You'll be fine." Jaebum said to Jinyoung, but was really just comforting himself.

Jinyoung nodded. "You too, Jaebum."

Which was how they slowly cleaned up their plates in rotation and put their schoolbag, heavier than they remembered, around their shoulders. The fog was annoying, so so annoying in Jaebum's opinion, they couldn't see anything that wasn't a step ahead of them. He wondered if they could find the school that way, and briefly imagined what it would be like if they got lost and wandered on an endless path for the rest of their lives, until their knees gave out and died of old age.

It would be lovely.

Which was when Jinyoung was looking at his boyfriend and extended his hand towards him,

"What?" Jaebum asked.

"Hold my hand," Jinyoung said. "I want to hold your hand on our way to school."

 

-

 

Marble floors full of chalk and school tables that had carved drawings and names in them. Windows with blinds that didn't work unless you roll them up manually. Twitching ceiling lights of the colour white. Educational posters on each wall of which the arithmatic one was ripped in half.

Jinyoung forgot what his class looked like, and forgot that it felt so big without Jaebum sitting next to him, because they barely shared the same classes.

Liquid on the marble floor. Vines growing around square window. Sinks that didn't work and soap boxes that were empty. Phrases carved into bathroom dorms, and Mark wondered if the girls bathroom was just as bad as the guys was.

He forgot how wet the floor was when he barged into the third cubicle on second period that day - Jackson had dragged him out of his house and he made a promise to go to school. He did, and Jackson swore he would stay by his side - but he was a liar.

Mark immediately regretted showing up when he felt the eyes of everyone on his back sitting in front of the teacher because he was late (Jackson's peptalk got out of hand) and it was the only free spot. Mark bounced his pen on the table and he felt little paper balls getting thrown against his neck - or that might have been his imagination.

Which was, to a lesser extent, what Jinyoung was feeling. If Jinyoung was nervous then Mark was about to pass out from anxiety. If Jinyoung felt self-conscious, then Mark was going to lock himself up in the bathroom for the rest of the day. If Jinyoung needed Jaebum by his side to talk him out of overthinking, then Mark needed Jackson like an astronaut needed his oxygen tank.

Which was not true. Neither Jinyoung or Mark actually depended on Jaebum or Jackson, even if Jackson never showed up ever again, then Mark would still, somehow, have to move on without him.

But Mark didn't want to. No, no he didn't want to treat Jackson like his shoes, but like the laces that kept them together so he could keep running instead.  
With that thought, Jinyoung walked into the boys bathroom to pour some water on his face and Mark heard his footsteps. There weren't usually a lot of people in the bathroom during the morning, so the bang of the door surprised him and he jumped from his place in the bathroom cubicle - hitting his head against the door, and the faucet got turned off.

"Are you alright?" Jinyoung asked, spooked at the loud sound on the dark and foggy morning in a horror movie worthy school bathroom.

Mark was stuck between smiling at Jinyoung's voice, and wanting to crouch down and cry.

"Hey, need help?"

Mark could see his shoes at that moment. White sneakers that would get dirty in the rain, he gulped, and with trembling fingers opened the door.

Jinyoung's eyes widened immediately when Mark quickly turned right to leave out the door, and his first reaction was to run after him. Which was how, essentially, Jinyoung ended up chasing Mark till the end of the hallway next to the music room, and grabbed his sweater which caused him to slip on the stairs.

Which was when the bells rang, and one second after Jinyoung looked down at Mark who had hit his head against the concrete of the floor, he got pushed off of him and ran away when the door of the music room opened.

Jinyoung wasn't sure what his intention was. He asked himself what he would have done if the bells didn't ring, or if the music room wasn't right next to them. It was Mark who fell on the floor and hurt himself, yet Jinyoung felt like his words got punched out of his gut when he looked at him.

He didn't want to see Mark anymore, yet he jumped at the chance when he could see Mark a little more.

A younger student bumped into him, and Jinyoung stumbled forward when he realized when and where he was - how he wasn't as scared in front of Mark as he thought he would have been.

It felt something like pity, and something like sadness.

 

-

 

Jinyoung remembered the first time he and Jaebum ate lunch at the rooftop staircase. It was before they met Jackson Wang and before they discovered the parking lot. They ate lunch there religiously - not because they were trying to make a statement, but because they never felt like they needed anyone else in their little bubble before Jackson and his friends came along.

That was the time when Jinyoung wasn't jealous. No, no Jinyoung wasn't a jealous person. He was happily sad for everyone who had something that he desperately wanted, but he never had ill intention towards anyone for that.

Even so, talking to only two people for two months locked up in a vicious and toxic cycle was bound to leave something behind. Plant a seed of envy, plant a seed of jealousy for every time Jaebum talked to anyone who wasn't Jinyoung. Just like Jaebum was talking to the girls on his basketball team when they got out of gym class and Jinyoung was waiting for him on the staircase.

Neither of them ate lunch that day.

Jinyoung pinned him against the secluded wall of the stairway which was completely desserted, even if Jinyoung badly wanted to show everyone else that they belonged to each other. Belonged with each other, and with every kiss Jaebum could breathe a little worse, a little dizzier from lack of sugar, but he was full of Jinyoung and Jinyoung's curvy hips in his hands. He was full of Jinyoung, and that was enough.

 

-

 

Mark didn't know that Jinyoung used to hang out in the parking lot before he had met them, so he felt nothing when he sat down with Jackson and threw the alumminium of his sandwhich on the floor before taking a big bite of it and getting sauce on his cheeks. Jackson smoked a lot, and the parking lot was his go-to spot so teachers wouldn't bother him about it.

"Do you think anyone knows?" Mark asked.

Jackson sighed, stealing a bite. "About what?" He thought about it. "About you and Jinyoung? Of course not."

"But we're in the middle of nowhere, rumors get around fast."

Jackson hummed. "That's true," He paused. "But we've kept everything in the group right? You feel like someone knows, or something?"

"Everyone," Mark said, offering Jackson another bite. "I feel like everyone knows about it - about what everything I've done to him."

"Don't be ridiculous." Jackson said.

"I ran into him."

Jackson stopped chewing to look up at his friend with wide eyes, like he was asking him how it went without even opening his mouth. Mark understood him and, strangely enough, it wasn't sad, but peaceful.

"I'm glad it will be over soon." He said.

"What do you mean?" Jackson asked, sudden urgency in his voice.

Mark took the last bite, then with a moutful of chicken, he said,

"I'm moving back to Seoul."

 

-

 

What happened after that was Jaebum and Jinyoung kissing sweetly while holding each other hands, and his heart felt ligther before his happiness reached a dead street. They got a lot of homework, and their mathematics teacher called them to the teachers room before they could go home and asked them if they were thinking on graduating by the end of the semester.

"Of course." Jaebum had said, and the teacher glanced at the both of them a couple of times as if she was trying to figure something out before she seemed to realize something.

"In that case you have a lot of work to do, Jaebum is over eighteen but Jinyoung is still underaged - have your parents notified the school about your absence?"

Jinyoung's immediately looked down at his hands, like he was embarrased or like he was supposed to be ashamed of something. His thoughts got interrupted when Jaebum slapped his own hand in his, and he tried to answer for him.

"He's in a difficult situation right now teacher, don't you think you could do something for him? He'll be off age in a month, anyway."

The teacher looked at him intensly, and without answering, looked at Jinyoung again.

"Jinyoung," She said. "What's wrong?"

Jinyoung quickly raised his head at this as if he was caught sleeping in the classroom. He opened his mouth, closed it again when Jaebum was going to say something - but Jinyoung didn't want Jaebum to take responsibility for him all the time, so he made up his mind and stopped Jaebum.

"Do you just need a signature from my mother?" He asked.

The teacher smiled fondly. "Yes," She took a book out of the pile in front of her, and took out a piece of paper. "This one will do."

"What happens if I don't bring it?"

She sighed.

"You won't be able to graduate this year, Jinyoung, you missed a lot of classes."

Jinyoung nodded.

"We'll leave now, teacher."

Which was how, before Jaebum could protest or put his foot on the ground, Jinyoung grabbed his wrist and they walked out of the door. Jinyoung didn't see it, but Jaebum did - Mark and Jackson were sat on the bench in front of the teachers room, but he couldn't see their expressions, because Jaebum needed glasses, but he never ever wore them to school.

 

-

 

"Hold on Jinyoung," Jaebum grabbed his hand when they were out of school grounds. "What do you mean you _just_ need a signature - you're actually thinking of going back to your mothers house?"

Jinyoung turned around.

"I need to graduate, Jaebum." He deadpanned.

Jaebum quickly forced his wrist out of Jinyoung's grip, and the two of them stood face to face like a bad spaghetti western. Jinyoung frowned a little, annoyed with Jaebum's attitude.

"But are you okay with that?" He asked. "What if she refuses to sign, or something worse?"

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. "Jaebum - my mother is not the evil queen from Snowhite."

"How can you say that?" Jaebum asked, dumbfounded. "Any parent who would abandon their kid like that is wrong - we should have asked if my parents could sign for you instead, surely they'll understa-"

" _Jaebum_ ," Jinyoung interrupted him. "Not everyone has been raised the way you have."

At that moment, Jaebum felt embarrassed. But never one to admit his mistakes at first, Jaebum clenched his fist and bit back when he knew that was he was doing was ignorant at best, and completely insensitive at worst.

"Maybe you should listen to me then," He said. "Why do you always run back to the people who hurt you?"

Jinyoung wasn't sure who the indirect was for, who or what exactly he was reffering too. Jinyoung wondered if he was talking about himself, and then he wondered if he was thinking about Mark. Jinyoung didn't get it, and he got angry.

"Stop it, Jaebum."

He always said his name when he was angry. Jaebum remembered how nicely it rolled off his tongue every time he did it. He wasn't going to stop yet.

"Why do you still defend her when you've hated yourself for so long because of how she raised you?" He paused. "Do you still care about your father, too?"

Jinyoung snapped and by instinct he pushed Jaebum's shoulders, hitting his chest repeatedly until he hit his back against the school brick wall which was full of graffiti and chewing gum - his hits didn't hurt, felt more like frustrated toddler hits than adult ones - Jaebum had never felt it so deep.

So he grabbed his wrist mid-air and told his boyfriend to stop it, calm down, people are looking. Jinyoung looked like he was going to cry, and that was when Jaebum grabbed his hand and took him elsewhere so he could hug him.

"I shouldn't have said that." He admitted.

Jinyoung sniffled in his shirt and wiped away his forming tears with it.

"You're awful."

Jinyoung was much more complicated than Jaebum thought, and he wondered how long the fishtank could hold his water before it dribbled over and drowned everyone in the living room. Drown everyone except the fishes.

 

-

 

Jinyoung was a storm Jaebum needed in his life. Which was how they walked home hand-in-hand, and just so Jinyoung didn't have to think about all the sad stuff in his life for a few moments, Jaebum gently pressed him down on their bed, kissed his face and lips and gave him a lazy handjob while his boyfriend was squealing under his touch.

It wasn't in broad daylight even though it was after school, but the mist and the clouds still clugged up their little town, and Jaebum felt as if they lived on a whole other planet to the rest of the world.

Afterwards, the two of them did their homework. Jaebum's mother brought them food, Jinyoung wondered why life had to move so fast.

She asked them if they could buy pasta for dinner, and Jinyoung helped Jaebum with his english homework before they stood up to go. Neither of them mentioned their fight after that, but Jaebum still felt bad.

In the chips isle Jinyoung went on his tippy toes to grab his favourite one, and that was when a woman bumped into Jaebum with her cart, and when Jinyoung turned around to look at her, he realized that the small frame with the bob cut was his mothers, and his chips (which he had proudly succeeded to get) fell on the ground.

She walked away quickly and didn't look back, but Jinyoung knew it was her, because the coat she was wearing was a gift from him and his brother when he sent him money a couple of years before that.

Suddenly Jinyoung felt like he was balancing on a rope connecting two skyscrapers together, and he was falling hard.

So he grabbed Jaebum's arms which felt like vines, and before his legs could give in on him, he walked them out of the supermarket. No chips or spaghetti, his parents could wait.

 

-

  
"Are you sure that was her?" Jaebum asked, even though he himself knew damn well that it was Jinyoung's mother, who he had seen almost everyday when they were kids.

Jaebum knew that Jinyoung's mother never liked him hanging out with her son, and he only had his parents to blame for it. She was old-fashioned and they were arguably the most liberal people over thirty in the town. Jaebum remembered the time their primary school had a festival with the parents and Jinyoung's mother refused to eat their families cookies, but he wasn't going to bring that up.

Jaebum didn't like Jinyoung's mother, but Jinyoung apparently still did.

Which was how Jinyoung was pacing from one side to the other of their bedroom, moments after Jaebum's mother asked why they didn't buy the spaghetti.

"I'm going to go see her." Jinyoung promptly decided, already grabbing his phone from the desk.

Jaebum stopped him. "No you're not," He said. "Not when you're like this."

Jinyoung hissed under his breath.

"Are we going to fight about this again? I don't feel like it, thank you."

"No," Jaebum said. "No I don't want to fight with you," He continued. "But - fuck, Jinyoung I don't know the answer either, you know?"

He sat down on the bed, bouncing on it a little from the impact.

Jinyoung softened up at this.

"Jaebum," He said. "Just let me do this. I need some closure from her."

So he put Jaebum's bigger hands in his own and went on his knees in front of the bed to smile up at him, stroking the hair out of his eyes and behind his ear. It was a lovely, calm gesture full of the affection Jinyoung had for Jaebum - who was not just his boyfriend but was, more importantly, his bestfriend too.

"Let me come with you." Jaebum asked this time, still looking down at his hands and Jinyoung's.

Jinyoung thought about it. Thought about leaving Jaebum out of this paragraph - this chapter - of his life. He thought about standing up by himself, but then the penny dropped, and he realized that it wasn't that he couldn't do it, but he didn't want to stand by himself in a world without Jaebum.

So with that, he lifted Jaebum's chin so to make him look at him, and then he smiled fondly, at the boy he loved so much.

"Please do." He said.

The room looked pink, with flower petals in the middle of spring.

 

-

 

"Leslie got bronze." Jackson said when he sat down on one of the many strawberry boxes that Mark was sorting out in the fruitshop. He opened the can with a 'clink', and put Mark's favourite on the counter.

"Really?" Mark said, wondering where to put the bananas. "That's amazing isn't it, isn't this her first competition there?"

Jackson giggled sickelingly at the though of his girlfriend.

"Yup, she's coming back tomorrow. Should we surprise her at her house?"

Mark took a moment to look at Jackson, Jackson who was staring at the ceiling but something in Mark told him that his head was in the clouds instead.

"Of course _you_ should go see her," He said. "You haven't seen her in so long."

"But with _you_." Jackson said, like it was obvious.

Mark shook his head, grinning. "No way, she wouldn't want to see me. She probably hates me."

Jackson thought about it.

"She definitely hated you for a while," He said. "But I'm sure she'll get around to forgiving you, she's very understanding."

"You're so in love with her." Mark said.

Jackson smiled again. "Yeah, I guess."

Mark could have ruined the moment by reminding him of their kiss by the lake. Part of him was tempted to drag him down from cloud eleven and stop him in his moment of happiness. But Mark had learned, so Mark didn't say anything at all. He continued to put the bananas together, and counted all the apples in the boxes that he had stored in his kitchen for a week. He was re-opening the shop for money's sake, and then he was going to leave back to the city he grew up in.

"You should talk to Jinyoung." 

Mark turned around quickly, like the penny drop and it was made out of lead and copper. Jackson looked up at him - serious yet full of serenity. 

"Please don't tell anyone that I'm leaving." Mark gulped, he wanted to cry suddenly, and the lemons in his hands would get that much more sour with his tears. 

"I don't want you to regret it."

"I don't want to hurt him anymore."

You wouldn't. Jackson wanted to say, but he didn't. Instead he stood up and took the lemons out of Mark's hands to help him out with the re-opening. It was at that moment when Jackson realized that maybe he grew up a little too - he didn't sniff and beg Mark to stay in their town, even if he selfishly wished he could stick with him and Leslie forever - but let the big boy make his big decisions.

 

Jackson was not in Mark's situation - he could symphatize but could never understand.

It was a lesson he learned the hard way, so he stayed quiet and silently supported Mark instead. Mark was leaving and he didn't want anyone to know about it - Jackson was going to stay out of it and respect his wishes,

but even so, Jackson still felt like there was something terribly wrong with letting Mark go without anyone knowing.

Which was when he accidentally dropped a few lemons on the ground, and Mark told him to sit down if he wasn't going to do the job right.

Jackson smiled.

 

-

 

Jaebum loved the fresh air in their town, and always got a little overwhelmed whenever a car passed by. The lake shined pretty blue from the moon, and he knew for a fact that there were wolves howling in the mountains. That, or that was the story every parent tolds their kids so they wouldn't run off to the woods and get lost in a place with no internet connection.

There were no big chain supermarkets, and everyone knew everyone, which was both a blessing and a curse. 

Jaebum wondered what it was like when his mother grew up there all those years ago, and wondered if he too was going to long for the fresh air like she did and raise his family in the town he was raised in.

He wondered if he was going to raise them with Jinyoung.

He couldn't imagine it being with anybody but Jinyoung.

So they were walking shoulder to shoulder at nine p.m on an empty stomach and Jinyoung was quietly looking down at the tips of shoes. He could walk to the house he grew up in blind and with his hands tied up if he was asked to - but Jaebum still held his hand, just in case he tripped.

Which was how, without saying a word to one another and the crickets making loud, annoying noises despite it still being Winter time and despite their fat jackets being in the way, Jinyoung went on his toes to kiss Jaebum, and Jaebum wrapped his arms around the small of his back to kiss him back, long and romantic under the twitchy road light by the riverside, minutes away from Jinyoung's old home.

Jinyoung didn't say it, but he was scared to death of facing his mother again.

Jinyoung didn't say it, but he didn't need to.

Jaebum kissed him a little harder than before, like Jinyoung was going to dissolve with the air if he didn't make sure that he was there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very belated Happy New Years, and sorry for taking so long with this (or any other fics) chapter, I was going through a bad time and wasn't really motivated to work on anything... but I'm back and ready to finish this up !!! so I'm sorry if this is rusty, but thank you so much for your patience ! tell me what you think ! what do you think will happen ! thank you for reading !


	13. Chapter Thirteen.

The first time Jinyoung found a strong sense of identity was one month before he turned eigtheen, and he thought that it was a long time coming.

He was not a bird that went with the flow of the wind, but a plastic bag that didn't have a choice but to follow it. Jinyoung didn't believe in mistakes, and he still held on to the thought that all the pain shaped him to be the person he became.

It was the first time Jinyoung started to question if that was really the case, or if he was just accepting his life out of fear of what would happen if he would resist, stand his ground and fight against it.

Jinyoung made decisions throughout his entire life. He decided that he liked vanilla chocolate more than he liked dark chocolate, and he decided that he didn't like sports. Jinyoung made decisions throughout his entire life, but none of them were as conscious as the one he took that evening.

He took the rod out of the water and leaped into the river instead.

They were standing outside of Jinyoung's door. It was, Jaebum thought, still Jinyoung's door, and Jinyoung's mind was made up, so he wasn't as scared as Jaebum expected him to be.

Even so, agitation weighted heavy on his heartstrings and Jinyoung hoped that nobody had died from an overweight heart yet. He looked at Jaebum, and Jaebum nodded back at him.

That was all the assurance Jinyoung needed and, counting his breaths, he knocked on the door which felt both so familiar and so foreign.

Jinyoung began to wonder if they were one in the same.

  
-

  
Nine p.m on an early spring evening. It was too cold for shirts and too hot for jackets, so they wore sweaters instead. Jaebum's had a coffee stain on it, and Jinyoung's had holes in the back.

Jinyoung's mother wore a knitted one, and Jinyoung immediately recognized it because his mother didn't have a lot of clothes - but she definitely had favourites.

She knew they were there. There was a peephole in the door, and if she didn't want to see them she didn't have to open - but she did, and she looked at them with big eyes which made her years more innocent and years older all at the same time.

"Jinyoung." She said, and it was cliché.

"I need to talk to you." Jinyoung said, trying to keep his breath under control.

Which was how his mother staggered away from the door and let them in without explicitly saying it. She put up the boiler, and Jinyoung felt funny acting like a stranger in the house he grew up in.

He was scared of breaking the vases he bumped into as a six year old, he was scared of dirtying the carped he used to walk with muddy boots on. The scratches he made into their wooden table as a fifteen year old looked like imperfections - his mother looked so small in such a big house.

She put three cups of tea on the table.

"Jaebum and I are dating," Jinyoung announced, and he could see his mother wince at the words as if they burned like the tea on her tongue. "I don't care if you accept us," He said. "I just want you to respect us."

His mother sighed, and to both of the boys surprise, she smiled meekly while drawing circles in the table.

"I knew it," She said. "I didn't expect you to tell me."

That made Jinyoung feel much more uncomfortable than any sort of rejection could hope to make him feel. He was confused at the fact that his mother wasn't crying, cursing them or pulling the curls out of her hair yet.

Instead, she seemed accepting.

With that, she looked younger.

"Mom," Jinyoung said, gripping his cup to avoid grabbing his mothers hands. "Before this I was dating someone who was very, very bad for me," He sighed, noticed Jaebum put his hand on his thigh. "And it was Jaebum who helped me get out of it. It was a bad time, and I don't want us to be sad anymore."

Which was how Jinyoung started bawling his eyes out and his tears were the sugar to the tea that had too little of it - he talked in mumbles and Jaebum put his arm around him, his mother held his hand and his sleeves were wet with snot and tears.

"I'm sorry too Jinyoung," She said, rubbing circles in his hand. "My smart son."

His mother wasn't a superhero and Jinyoung never expected her to be that way, but at that moment Jinyoung felt that she was one thing she never felt like before - which was human. His mother was human, and had flaws like every other.

He had to understand that, and she had to understand him.

The night passed with the wheezing wind, and the three talked everything out. From the school form, to her asking Jinyoung if she was going to stay with Jaebum till graduation. She even said she should thank the Ims for what they had done for him, but somehow Jinyoung doubted that she was going to do it.

She even made an effort to get to know Jaebum, and Jaebum made an effort to understand Jinyoung's mother. She asked him if the tattoos hurt, and how his family was doing. Jaebum said that the first one hurt a little bit, and that his family was doing good.

In the end, Jinyoung's mother looked younger than she ever did, and she smiled at Jinyoung like she knew something that he didn't.

"You know, the man from the flowershop has been trying to court me for years," She said. "I think I can finally accept his advances now."

Jinyoung burst out laughing, thinking of all the times the kind man from the flowershop gave him free flowers to take home, and he always wondered why his mother dried them in her drawer instead of putting them in a vase.

He was happy.

 

-

 

Mark zipped up the last bag in his empty room. It was full of socks and sweaters and Mark hoped he could remember where he put them on his way to the trainstation - Jackson sat on the bed. It creaked, and Mark looked up at him.

"I'm leaving you the keys," Mark said. "If you ever have trouble, just know you can always stay here."

Jackson was reluctant to take them, but when Mark frowned at him and shaked the keys between his fingers, Jackson sighed.

"Alright, Mark."

Mark smiled. "Don't give me that face - you're acting like we're never going to see each other again."

"Sorry," Jackson said. "I just can't believe you're really leaving tomorrow," Then he sighed again. "You need to take care of yourself."

"You too, now let's sleep before I get depressed. You've got school tomorrow."

So Jackson pulled Mark down on the bed without covers with him, his legs and arms being warmer than a cozy furnace, and Mark hadn't brushed his teeth yet, but he felt like it didn't matter when he was snuggled up to his bestfriend like that.

Even though it was Mark who insisted Jackson had to go to school the next morning, it was also Mark who kept them up talking about the littlest, most meaningless things about their lives.

They talked the night away, between yawns and nonsense that felt so simple and nice in the empty, hollow apartment.

Jackson reminded Mark of how they met and how, at first, Mark didn't really trust Jackson because he was so loud and open to a stranger like him. It only took him a month to completely warm up to Jackson though, their shared mother tongue and mutual understanding which cut deeper than any Korean words could be yelled out.

Mark didn't know he had a friend standing next to him until he had to leave him. He wished he could have told him he loved him more often.

They were little regrets, he wondered if Jackson had them too.

 

-

 

That was the first morning Jinyoung woke up wanting to see his mother, and he quickly texted her asking if she wanted to have dinner together with Jaebum that night since it was Friday. She replied back after twenty minutes, and Jinyoung suspected it only took that long because she had difficulty understanding the concept of texting in the first place.

Jaebum naturally agreed to go with him, and they kissed good morning and Jinyoung felt reborn. It was a new beginning, and he started humming to tunes that he had never hummed to before. He made breakfast for the both of them, and then he went so far to put their books in their bags and put them by the door so they didn't have to rush up the stairs before flying out to make it on time.

"We should go to the city tomorrow and watch a movie." Jaebum suggested with a mouthful of egg.

Jinyoung smiled, then he shook his head.

"No chance." He said.

"Why?" Jaebum asked. 

Which was how Jinyoung forked the last bit of bacon off of Jaebum's plate.

"Because, darling, we have lots of exams to re-do."

 

 

-

 

Happiness had blinded Jinyoung but he still had a sixth sense for trouble. He felt it when he and Jaebum had to split classes during third period, Biology, and he walked into the classroom he normally shared with a dozen other students, including Mark Tuan who sat far in the back corner of the class looking out of the window as typical and cliché as it was.

When Jinyoung stepped in the classroom, he could have sworn he saw him sitting there. Gray hoody on, chewed pen in his hand and a notebook full of scribbles, bored out of his mind.

Which was why he frowned when their teacher called Mark's names three times before she marked down his absence. He looked behind him immediately, noticing that the seat was, in fact, empty.

The classroom was grossly disproportionate without someone sitting in the right corner of the room, and Jinyoung wondered if that was the reason for why he felt so queasy and uneasy suddenly, like the bacon he made was raw, or like the water in his bottle was poisoned. 

Their teacher seemed to notice this when she called his name, too, and he looked up to her bewildered.

"Aren't you feel good, Jinyoung?" 

Jinyoung wondered that, too. 

"I'm fine." He finally said. 

She didn't spend much more time on him, and the lesson began smoothly for everyone but Jinyoung. He looked around himself, kept imagining Mark sitting in his usual place, which was oddly reassuring consider their situation, and then he turned to look at Jackson. He looked troubled, like something was on his mind and his eyes met Jinyoung's and it was at that moment when Jinyoung knew that something was going on.

Jackson looked down at his book immediately, Jinyoung briefly noted that it was the wrong page.

After fourty-five minutes of excruciating, monotone instructions, the bell rang and Jinyoung jumped up to talk to Jackson, for the first time in three months.

 

-

 

Jackson knew that Mark didn't want anyone to know about him leaving, but Jackson was a stubborn boy with a strong and foolish sense of righteousness, and he felt that lying to Jinyoung was wrong. He did his best, picked his books up faster and walked towards the door quicker than he usually would, but it was when Jinyoung grabbed the strings of his bags and looked at him with panic in his eyes when Jackson knew.

Toxic relationships aren't simple.

He wasn't sure what Jinyoung felt for Mark at that moment. Wasn't sure if it was concern out of someone he knew, or concern for Mark Tuan specifically. Jackson didn't know, and he realized that he wasn't ever going to find out. He also knew that what he was doing wasn't morally right, but Jackson couldn't stop it.

"He's leaving," He said, hallway full of kids rushing to their next classes, Jinyoung's hand on Jackson's shoulder, bells and chatter being loud but somehow falling in the background of his words. "The train is coming in thirty minutes - I'm going to see him off."

Which was when Jackson turned around and blended into the mass of schoolbags and black hair. Jinyoung wondered if he had imagined it, imagined Jackson talking to him and imagined the words he told him.

At that moment, Jaebum patted his shoulder roughly.

"Jinyoung, we're getting late to class." He said.

Jinyoung grabbed his hand and took him to the male's bathroom with controlled steps, looking at Jaebum only when he locked the door. He looked at Jaebum who was looking at him, the tiles of the floor were broken and the mirror was dirty. There were phrases carved into the walls, and Jinyoung didn't explain what he meant when he opened his mouth and dropped his bag on the floor, running out of the bathroom.

"Stay here, don't move."

 

-

 

The train station of their small town was picturesque like it came out of a fairytale. Jinyoung often worried that the rails were too rusty and that the announcement boards were from the nineties and not present day. Even so, the train station was small, had two vending machines with expired candy and the ceiling was made out of glass - the sun was peeked through the trees and lit up the station with natural light. 

The train station was always empty, but at that time, Jinyoung had never seen it more full.

He wondered if the glass ceiling was going to break if he stomped through the people fast enough, he ran and ran from the school to the station, and thirty minutes had almost passed when he reached the entrance. He spotted Jackson, and his heart stopped when he saw Mark standing in front of him - arms full of travel bags and a boyish smile plastered on his face.

Which was when the moment stopped.

Jinyoung saw Mark, and he knew that Mark saw Jinyoung. 

The train bell rang, announcing its departure, and suddenly Jinyoung was banging on the glass, the train slowly speeding up to leave. Which was when he realized that the train was going to fast, and he couldn't run anymore, so he looked up at the worst possible moment. 

Mark was starting to bang on the door too, and Jinyoung couldn't hear him, but he could see Mark mouth something before his tears blurred up his vision, and Jackson was grabbing him up from the floor, and the train was long gone in the distance. Small, like a toy. 

Jackson was talking to him, his phone was buzzing, and people around them asked if they were okay. 

Even so, the only thing Jinyoung could think about were Mark's parting words.

"Come with me," He said. "Come with me, come with me, come with me."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much to say, but don't want to bore you all with a detailed essay about how chaotic my life has been since I last updated...anything. Afterwards, I just got really depressed re-reading my stuff and was tempted to delete my account all together. Even so! I got inspired after watching a bunch of Marilyn Monroe movies and immediately got off my butt to sit down again and write. Everything will be updated shortly, this story will end this week, pinky promise.
> 
> Anyways tell me what you all think of the second-to-last chapter of this story!!! your comments always make me so happy and motivate me to write !!! thank you for reading !!!!


	14. Chapter Fourteen.

The news called it the longest lasting storm of Seoul in fifty years, and everybody felt it when they had to rush from their workplace to their homes and not get their laptops wet, and when the underground subways were shut down for safety purposes and they had to wait hours for it to arrive.

The storm was on its second week, and Jinyoung still couldn’t get used to the haunting howling of the wind that made the doors in his classroom and home shut when they were open and thrown open when they were shut, making the windows tremble deep, deep in his Autumn night sleep.

Around six classmates and two professors had asked him about his eyebags. Jinyoung struggled to stay awake during his lectures, and he still had to go to the landlord and pay his overdue rent. He quietly thanked the greater powers for making his landlord, Miss Sojin, a lenient woman.

Even so, when it rained it poured. Both literally and figuratively this time as the storm ripped through the sky on the exact moment Jinyoung realized that he left his keys inside his apartment, and that he had to make pit-stop at the tattoo shop for the fifth time in half a month.

He had one thing to look forward to, at least. Jinyoung was starting his internship the next day, and he couldn’t have been more excited to work with social services if he tried. Even though he was most likely just going to be serving coffee to the higher-ups.

Jinyoung learned how to cope with the little disappointments in life. The storm was neverending, he got the wrong order on his coffee and he could barely afford to live in his apartment - but he was there, and he was real.

He was there.

 

-

 

Im Jaebum was twenty one years old when he dropped out of university to become an apprentice to a small but elusive tattoo shop in a backstreet of Seoul instead. It was hopelessly cliché for him to follow in his parents artistic footsteps like that, but it wasn’t like it was a crass decision made from one day to the other.

Jaebum worried a lot. Especially about how he and Jinyoung were going to make it till the end of the month when Jaebum dropped his scholarship to pursue art instead. He stubbornly continued studying law for the sole reason of them not ending up homeless in Seoul until Jinyoung sat him down and spoke to him.

"You should drop out." He simply said.

Which was how, after two more months of twiddling his thumbs and his workload getting bigger and bigger on his metaphorical working desk, Jaebum dropped out of university. He told himself that his family name might give him an advantage, but was quickly put in his place by a strict elderly Chinese man who was widely known as the best tattoo artist in Seoul.

"You’ll spend the first six months cleaning up, and then you’ll practice on pigskin."

They were six months in which Jaebum considered dropping out of art all together. In the end however it worked out nicely - Jaebum had built up a patience Jinyoung didn’t think he could have, and the elder man trusted him with the shop when he travelled back to China for a few months.

He could start paying Jinyoung back for working extra hours as a waiter. Which was, coincidentally, when Jinyoung ran into the glass door of the tattoo parlour, soaked and drenched in rain, and Jaebum quickly ran to unlock it and let his boyfriend inside.

His boyfriend who he had been dating for four years. At times it was still hard to believe.

"I forgot my keys again," Jinyoung explained, plopping down on the couch. "And the landlord is on vacation to New York, or something," He continued. "And I haven’t made dinner yet."

Jaebum giggled, taking Jinyoung’s jacket off and massaging his shoulders.

"I got my first paycheck today, babe."

This made Jinyoung turn around immediately. "Really?"

Jaebum nodded proudly. "Hundred dollars for a tattoo. Lau told me to keep it all."

Jinyoung could have burst out in tears at that exact moments. Which he did, hugging his boyfriend tightly and almost choking him in the process of it. He could barely believe it, exhaustion of working till three a.m finally coming down all at once.

"That jerk better give you all the money for putting you through so much stress this last year." Jinyoung cried, unsure of Jaebum’s wet shirt was because of his tears or because of his own wet clothes.

Truthfully, their relationship had hit several all time lows during Jinyoung’s third year in university. From his boyfriend dropping out and not getting paid for working day and night. Jaebum had to reassure him every night that it was all going to pay off in the end.

Jinyoung had a harder time believing it with each week that passed. He wondered if that was just how things were supposed to be - stressed out and underpayed. He was on the edge of breaking up with Jaebum during their louder, more aggressive fights over the year.

Even so, their love was always a little bit stronger to their troubles. It was less about Jinyoung’s worries about their financial instability, and a little bit more about bad people abusing Jaebum’s talent for their own good.

It all led up that moment.

Jaebum lightly pulled Jinyoung off of him and dried his tears with his fingers, laughing at his boyfriends snotty and wet face.

"Let’s order take-out," He said. "I’ll close the shop now, let’s go home together."

It had been a year since they had the priviledge of taking the subway home together. Jinyoung missed the warmth of Jaebum’s shoulder, and Jaebum craved the touch of his hand in the middle of the metropolitan hustle that was put to a halt over the storm.

The subway was empty, they almost missed their stop.

 

-

 

His boss was a short woman with curls and thick glasses and Jinyoung decided that she was the nicest supervisor he could have gotten. She was the head of the women's aid department, and Jinyoung wondered if they were going to station him there for his internship.

To his dissappointment, however, they put him in the children's protection service instead.

The office was in the middle of transitioning from paper to doing everything digitally, and Jinyoung was the lucky boy who had to scan, overwrite and categorize all the files from the past ten years to computer. He wondered if adulthood tasted bitter like that.

"You should take a break," His supervisor suddenly interrupted him, bringing him a small cup of coffee that he'd drink up in three gulps if he wanted to. "You'll get up on the road soon enough, Jinyoung."

Jinyoung nodded while blowing the steam off his coffee cup - hope was all he had at that moment, and the cases he had re-written were all surprisingly intersting even though he got a little worried when there was a big red, "discontinued investigation" sign.

He asked her if what that exactly meant, and she sighed with the response.

"It's a vague term but usually it means that there wasn't enough reason to spend any more time on it compared to other children. Many of those are repeated cases though, and should show up later."

Jinyoung hummed in understanding, looking at the "T" stack of files that seemed to be staring right back at him. He frowned, suddenly itching to get his hands on them.

 

  
-

 

  
Mark Yien Tuan, Taiwanese nationality with a Korean citizenship. Repeated offenses and a short history of petty middleschool crime he got caught for. First sanction was in June twenty first put reported by his arts teacher as child neglect. Case never went anywhere and got discontinued.

Second report was by the school concelor after repeated incidents of coming late to school and not doing his homework, requested to go the doctor and check himself out but was never taken there so the case was discontinued for a second time.

The third and last time the report was put out by an anonymous call reporting on signs of sexual abuse, but the family was outside of Korea and finally put on hold for too long before it got dropped again. Mark Tuan had moved in with his grandmother, and his parents were only asked to answer a few questions about him.

Jinyoung only noticed he was shaking when he typed Mark's fathers companies name in the search engine, and found a bunch of pictures of the CEO who was in his early fourties, sporting a big business smile and had his team behind him - Jinyoung wanted to throw up.

His boss seemed to take notice and shook his shoulders, asking him if he was okay.

"I'm fine." Jinyoung tried to assure her, tried to assure himself and convince himself that he wasn't trembling all over.

She frowned at him concerned, putting a hand over his own. "It's completely normal to be shocked by some of these reports, I think you should head home for the night."

Jinyoung gulped, looking at her like a deer caught in the headlights and briefly wondered if she was real or fake. She felt fake, sounded fake, her voice was distant - as if she was talking to him from the other end of the tunnel. He hadn't felt that way since he left his town.

He opened his mouth to ask her something, questions about Mark on his tongue but the little bit of awareness in his brain telling him to keep quiet. He asked her if she ever had to help someone close to her.

"Yes," She nodded. "My sister called in once thinking I wasn't working at that hour."

Jinyoung understood, and when she told him to go home for a second time despite it being two hours before the end of his shift, he didn't disagree and stood up to take his things and walk out of the office. Breathe in the fresh rainy air, run home and hide in Jaebum's arms.

His past got back to him in the worst way possible.

 

-

 

His past got back to him in the worst way possible. Working extra hours deep, deep into the night while barely seeing his boyfriend was always better than anything they lived in their final year in their little town.

Jinyoung stomped his way past the empty, slippery streets and down to the subway of which he had no idea at what time his train was supposed to leave, because it was nine p.m and he usually took the eleven thirty one. He was new to this, and asked a worker about it.

The elderly man looked at him kind of funny, like the upcoming storm was evident on his face, like he knew that Jinyoung just read Mark's life in paper years after he had last seen in. But it was impossible for the man to know that - no, nobody else was impressed by his record, Mark was just another part of their job for them.

As it should have been for Jinyoung.

He calmed down after thirty minutes of sitting down and twiddling his thumbs, listening to the deafening sound of the rain hitting the concrete which this time was the makeshift ceiling of the subway. People started dropping in, bit by bit, and when Jinyoung looked up at the clock it was time for the subway to arrive.

Which was exactly when a stranger, wearing an extra big hoodie sat next to him and the robotic voice of the loudspeakers said that because of the weather, the train was going to be thirty minutes late.

Jinyoung just about launched himself on it, muttering profanities to himself and asking himself what he had done to deserve another thirty minutes sitting on a red bench which was starting to give him bad vibes.

The stranger next to him giggled, and Jinyoung belatedly realized that he had heard his entire tirade about the announcers voice and how he's probably dead and this was pre-recorded since the Golden age.

Jinyoung felt embarassed, looking at the floor so not to look at the stranger, that was, until the stranger spoke up.

"That's so creepy, what if he's actually dead?"

The drops of the rain got to a deafening high, so loud that Jinyoung thought he was never going to be able to hear anything in his life ever again, each drop sounding like a drop of lead crashing down on the concrete.

Jinyoung could've recognized that voice anywhere.

Which was when he turned around, startling the boy sitting next to him - oversized black sweater and snapback on, widening his eyes in shock when he realized. It was Mark. It was Mark, it was Mark.

"Jinyoung?" He said, taken back and looking like he was about to cry. "Is that really you?"

Jinyoung didn't answer immediately. He drank in every centimeter of Mark's body, every centimeter of his black hair, fingers with rings around them, broader shoulders and more filled out legs. Mark was twenty three years old, and Jinyoung wanted to both cry and throw up infront of everyone at the station.

"What are you doing here?"

Mark looked, for some reason, relieved. "I just got off work," He paused. "You look so different."

"Age does that to you," Jinyoung tried to joke, but the unerving tension was blatantly obvious and heavy in the air between them. Initial relief turning into embarassment, embarassment turning into memories from the town they both grew up in and fell in love in. "How have you been?"

"I take this train everyday," Mark confessed. "I'm working in a small restaurant, trying to get by the best I can."

There was a silence, and it was Mark who broke it for a second time.

"Jinyoung," He said. "I was a terrible person who did awful things to you, and you have every right to hate me, but moving here really put my life into perspective."

"It's been five years," Jinyoung said, holding his own hands. "I was worried about you."

Mark's eyes lit up for a second, then he looked down at the floor like he were ashamed. Like he was ashamed of his past and everything that happened in it. Like he didn't deserve Jinyoung's time, like he was imagining this whole conversation.

"Thank you," He simply said. "T-that means more to me than you can imagine."

Jinyoung smiled sadly, looking at the ground too.

"That day at the train station, I was so ready drop everything and come with you to the big city. Jaebum had to carry me to his house while I was a kicking and sobbing - you made me a total mess, I couldn't stop thinking about it for months," He paused. "I was ready to go with you."

Mark shuffled in his seat. "I was ready to take you with me," He thought about it. "I'm glad that you didn't. I would've fucked with your head even more, and you would have been completely alone here."

"How's your grandmother?" Jinyoung asked, and Mark smiled sadly when he told him that she was better than ever and taking proper care of her fruitshop and calling him everyday asking him when he's coming back to help her out.

"I was in a bad place," Mark said. "It's only fair you know. My parents kicked me out because I told them that dad's boss molested me everytime he came over, I guess they didn't want that sort of trouble in their house."

Jinyoung nodded, unsure how to tell him that he knew all this from his job, it made him sick to the stomach, made him wonder if he could have been blamed for his actions. Thrown out by parents who don't believe you.

"I visited them twice since I got here, one time because I was broke and drinking too much, the other because my mom wanted to talk to me," He paused. "I told her everything in cold hard facts and she cried."

"How are you now?" Jinyoung quietly asked. "Are you the real you?"

Mark laughed a little. "That's a good question," He said. "I'm not sure. I think I'm good."

"I can tell." Jinyoung confessed, and he sincerely could. Mark was more relaxed, more laidback, more like the boy he fell in love with in the beginning, less like the twenty percent that was left of the both of them. Less like hurt, less like alcohol and manipulation.

More like Mark.

"Um," Mark started. "Are you still with Jaebum?"

The pause was evident, that was, until Jinyoung slowly nodded and Mark understood. He understood and sighed and smiled like he just confirmed something, like a chapter finally came to its end, like everything finally made sense.

"That's nice," Mark said. "I wish we could have met now instead, with you insulting the announcement guy in a subway in Seoul."

Jinyoung's heart was starting to feel heavy, and he did not want to have this conversation which felt like it coming out of a dream. He wondered if it was real, so he lightly touched Mark's hands to make sure. He was warm, blood rushing and texture like skin. He was real, and Jinyoung didn't want to think about his words.

"Let's be strangers from now on." Jinyoung quietly suggested when the train rushed towards them and the papers got torn off the walls and their hair got in their faces, Jinyoung's hand still lightly touching Mark's, and people around them standing up all at the same time.

"Alright," Mark smiled, standing up. "Let's be strangers."

Which was how he walked in the train, disappearing in the mass of people and becoming a part of the subway painting. Before Jinyoung realized it, the train doors were already closing, and he couldn't stand up fast enough for it to leave.

Jinyoung looked around him, he was completely, utterly alone in the subway, rain ticking on the ceiling, image blurry like he just woke up from a dream.

At that moment, he wanted nothing more than Jaebum to take his hand, give him a kiss and they could walk all the way back their apartment in the pouring rain, desserted Seoul night streets.

So he called him, and Jaebum huffed when he told him to come get him, and he agreed. Jinyoung told him he loved him, Jaebum came panting and running with an extra sweater for Jinyoung. They held hands, and Jinyoung kissed him. It took two hours for them to get home, they made love that night, got sick the next morning. The storm was clearing up.

They were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. So it's finally over. Fun fact, I had this chapter written since the last one but got insecure and didn't post it, I barely proofread it, and I'm sorry for the irregular updates, but we finished it. Thank you so, so much for reading and for commenting, tell me what you think, and hopefully the ending wasnt too open lol


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